Supporting your partner through a time of need(?)

I’m not sure how old you both are, and if I knew you were perhaps in your 30s or 40s I might suggest that there’s something else going on here for your partner in terms of his changing body. Many men and women who approach and go through middle age have trouble accepting the changes in their bodies. They can’t quite do what they used to be able to do in the same time. And while your partner may very well have a rock climbing career in front of him if he wants it, he won’t be able to climb the way he might have a decade ago. He’ll need more conditioning and a slower pace at first.

Many men get depressed around this time in life because they feel that part of their life is behind them, which it is, and that there isn’t anything that’s going to be as good as the past in front of them. While I don’t think that’s true, the reality is that this is a transitional time and your partner may be bummed in a bigger way than you realize about this. The rock climbing and the injury may have brought this issue to the surface for him. When he says he feels like a failure, he might be indicating that he can’t do what he did when he was younger, and that makes him feel like he’s failed.

While it is very empathetic of you to want to fix things and make him feel happy and get over his depression and self imposing isolation, the reality is that everyone has their own time table for these issues. If he senses you want him to be different than he’s feeling — even if all you want is for him to be happy — he may think that in fact, you, too, don’t like him the way he is. So back off on wanting to fix him and readjust your thinking about fixing him.

The problem you’re writing me about is really about how you can work around your partner’s healing physically and his depression at being down for the count for a while at least. The best thing you can do is to not put too much focus on your partner’s problem. He already knows how to deal with his shoulder injury since it’s a recurring issue. And if he sees you enabling him, while you may mean well, it could make matters worse. What will help is for him to see you taking care of yourself, and being interested in him, but not obsessed with making him feel better. He’ll get there — but in his own time. And nothing you can do will make time pass more quickly.

Be patient. Be healthy with yourself. Be available to him if he wants to talk or if he wants your opinion or advice. Give him a few cheery and optimistic pep talks that last a total of 30 seconds each, a day, so as not to over do it. Don’t dwell on his injury or depression. In other words, don’t corroborate that this is some great tragedy. It isn’t. Unless you make it that.

He’s going to have to find a way to accept his weak shoulder, his fear of heights and his blue mood, and get out of it himself. You being there and being okay with everything will be the best medicine ever.

Thank you for clarifying your ages. Now knowing that’ he’s 33, I think he is too young to be going through a mid-life crisis. It really helps to know everyone’s ages up front.

When he shuts you out by rejecting your food and your company, he’s lashing out at you. You aren’t the cause of his upset, but you become the object of his anger. You’re a safe place for him to act out because he feels close to you. I agree with you that this problem sounds a lot deeper than it appears on the surface, and the source of his depression is something more than just not being able to rock climb, or getting over a chronic shoulder injury.

If this pattern continues, eventually, you’re going to feel chipped away at each time it recurs. Each time he gets depressed, takes you down with him, then apologizes and you two get back on track, you’re going to carry a little more resentment over the years. The residual resentment is going to build. Ironically, eventually you’ll have the same problem he does. Every time he goes into this kind of depression, you’re going to eventually have a twin anger and/or depression caused by his historical pattern of acting out at you, and getting to you by doing it.

Ideally, you can find a way to not let this bother you. That way it becomes his problem. Not yours. Right now, it’s your problem, too. So, either accept this part of him, but know you can’t fix it, and focus on yourself when he goes into his black hole of depression. Give him those once a day pep talks for a week or so, but then it’s probably futile. Or, you can try to help him get to the root of the problem when he’s not upset, by trying to talk to him about the what’s behind his actions and his feelings. But you can only try.

When your partner gets depressed, if you keep yourself healthy, rather than focusing on his depression, you’ll be giving him a healthy partner to be with, a healthy environment, and while you can be empathetic, you don’t have to take on his depression yourself.