saying I love you

You are not overreacting. You’re right that at 25 and 34 you should both be able to express your emotions to each other especially if you’re dating monogamously and meeting his parents. In fact, while you have trouble saying, “I love you,”, you are clearly very articulate as evidenced in the post you wrote me. So, yes, something is wrong that you are both stunted in your ability to say, “I love you.” But….is it something you can overcome? You bet.

The reason I say this is because it is very clear to me from what you describe that the two of you do love and respect each other. It sounds like there’s something else going on. At 25 years old, with five months of monogamous dating this guy under your belt, you’re wanting to know where the relationship is going. That’s, perhaps, why you’re so concerned about whether or not your boyfriend loves you. You really want to know if he loves you [i]enough[/i] to marry you. In fact, you probably already know he does love you, and the real question you have is: Is he going to propose marriage to me or is he going to string me along for a decade like all his friends do with their girlfriends?

You mention that his friends all date monogamously for years on end without formal commitment, and without saying so, I trust that’s not your cup of tea. You want the whole fairy tale. You don’t have to be ashamed of what you want. It’s good that you’re aware enough of it to write me with this issue.

I always suggest to my readers that in relationships, actions speak louder than words. While both of you have trouble with formal declarations of love, you behave as if you love each other, so until one of you can actually say, “I love you,” (You’re only one word away!), know that he’s treating you like a girlfriend.

That said, it’s up to you to accept who he is and to take responsibility for what you want. Did you hear that? I’m going to write it again: IT’S UP TO YOU TO ACCEPT WHO HE IS AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

If he is not interested in marriage and children, as I suspect you are, it is your job as a single woman (yes — just because you’re dating him doesn’t mean you’re not still a single woman) to find out who it is you’re dating and what they want in life. That’s part of the dating process. Don’t get sloppy and lull yourself into a false state of security just because you have someone to date on the weekends. Stay on your toes and figure out if the two of you have the same goals. If you do, then saying I love you will come. He’s already acting the part. If you don’t have the same goal in mind, then he may be withholding “I love you” as his way of protecting himself from feeling that he’s led you on. He probably knows you want a traditional lifestyle rather than the living together lifestyles his friends all have. He may be waiting for you to ask him whether he’d ever consider marriage, at which point he can say to himself, I never said ‘I love you,’ to her, where did she get the idea I’d marry her? She knows my friends and I don’t marry.” That way he can blame you for not ‘getting the picture.’

So…my advice to you is that at this entirely appropriate juncture in your relationship, you find a way to figure out if he’s going on the same path you want to go on, and if not, cut bait and swim away. If he is, then you’ll probably relax into the relationship and be able to utter that last missing word you can’t quite muster up in that precious sentence: I love you. And so will he.

But until you do that, all your mutual stress about where the relationship is going, is being projected on that sentence: I love you.

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉