- This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 15 years, 8 months ago by
April Masini.
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October 19, 2009 at 8:33 am #1352
relationshipa1
KeymasterI am a 27 yr old female in my last year of graduate school. I have been long distance with my wonderful boyfriend, also age 27, for 5 1/2 years, who works in another state. Unfortunately, I am in a very specific profession that does not allow me to move to where he lives when I graduate, unless I give up my entire career. I started bringing up marriage 3 years ago. My boyfriend comes from a family of many divorces. His hesitancy made sense at the time. I was willing to wait because we were long distance. However, he did not come around, saying that he had doubts about our day-to-day compatibility since we had been long distance, doubts about leaving his job, and doubts about whether he was “ready for marriage”. In order to make the relationship work, he volunteered to go to counseling (by himself) about 1 1/2 years ago in order to deal with his commitment issues. After seeing the therapist for a year, he asked me to live with him to alleviate some of his concerns. We did that this summer while I was on summer break for 3 months, and it went wonderfully.
That was two months ago. We gave it some time to get used to being long distance again. Things have been going amazingly. He has been so affectionate, it really seems he misses me so much. He is the most amazing boyfriend in every way, supportive of my career and anything I want to achieve. I know more than ever that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and have a family with him. We recently talked and he said that he feels I am the perfect person for him and any of his concerns about our compatibility have been alleviated. Also, his concerns about leaving his job have been reduced as he feels he could find another great job where I move. However, he said he just doesn’t feel ready for marriage. And he doesn’t know when he will be. He feels like he is in a different “life stage”- not ready to settle down. He feels guilt and shame over this. He suggested a “temporary break” saying that maybe that’ll be what makes him ready.
I just don’t know what to do. I want more than anything for HIM to be the person I spend my life with and have a family with. But if he hasn’t figured that out within 5 1/2 years, when will it happen? It might never. Should I break up with him and start my new life/new job with a clean slate? Or ask him to move with me with the chance that we may end up unmarried? I feel devastated at the thought of losing him, but I am also angry that he isn’t ready after this long.
October 19, 2009 at 1:56 pm #10582April Masini
KeymasterIt’s particularly hard for someone who usually gets the results they want from hard work, to not be able to get the results they want from a relationship. 🙁 You’ve done everything right here — and so has he. The problem is that you’re not compatible on the issue of marriage. He is not wrong to admit he’s not ready for marriage at age 27. You are not wrong to admit you are ready for marriage at 27.
It really doesn’t sound like the distance is the problem here. It sounds like you have a genuine incompatibility issue that is going to be a deal breaker.
😥 You are correct to ask the question, “If he hasn’t figured out that he wants marriage with you after a 5 1/2 year relationship, when will it happen?” And you know the answer — you just don’t like it. The reality is you don’t know when he’ll be ready for marriage, and neither does he.
I don’t think you should ask him to move in with you. First of all, I’m not sure he will. If he really wanted that, he could have asked you that himself. Second of all, if marriage is important to you, and he’s pretty clear he doesn’t know if he wants to get married, and you’ve already taken a stab at living together that was successful, and he’s still on the fence, there’s a good chance you may end up living together and not married — or living together with things not working out.
I do think that since this is your last year of graduate school, after which you will begin a career in your town, this is a good time to amicably break up because your have different goals in life. His suggestion of a temporary break is just his way of sugar coating a break up for both you — and himself. The reality is that this is a full fledged break up. But this next time around, at age 27, with your education out of the way, and your career and a fresh start in front of you, I want you to date smart, and that means learning through dating who is compatible with you and not wasting your time with anyone who isn’t.
I’m sorry for your problems, but I think if you can get past this break up, your life is going to be fabulous and you will find love that is even better than this because both you and the man in your life will have the same goals and direction in life.
😀 October 19, 2009 at 3:48 pm #10581Anonymous
ParticipantThank you very much for your kind advice. I also feel that breaking up is probably the right thing. It is just so difficult to be the one to let him go. He feels very devastated about this situation as well and doesn’t want to break up. But he is sensitive enough that he knows it’s unfair to stay together when he can’t promise me what I want.
I had given him an ultimatum of engagement or breakup by this time, so he doesn’t know that the “moving together” option is even on the table. I can’t believe that this is the result of a wonderful and amazing 5 1/2 years together. It seems so surreal. I don’t understand how he can feel that I’m the perfect match for him but not be “ready” for marriage. I became “ready” when I met the right person, and that person was him. It just seems such a shame that such a wonderful relationship should end like this. This is why I am having trouble letting him go.
At the moment, I’ve told him I need to think about things for a while. I told him I’d let him know when I’m ready to talk. (Normally we speak every evening at minimum.) I was supposed to visit him in early November and I think I should still do that and have the remaining conversation in person.
October 19, 2009 at 11:54 pm #10615KeymasterBreak ups don’t have to be angry and bitter. They can be two people who love each other, but want different things in life sadly and lovingly parting ways. The 5 1/2 years you were together brought you to this point where you know that marriage is important to you — important enough to end a relationship with someone who is wonderful, but doesn’t want marriage, so you can allow yourself the space to find someone who is wonderful and [i]does[/i] want marriage.Most break ups employ anger, harsh words and bad behavior because the people in the relationship (or at least one of them) are not mature enough to accept the differences, feel the sadness for the loss of the good in the other person, and understand that there is no happy future together. So they act out by cheating, mistreating and instigating inorganic fights in order to do what they aren’t mature enough to do: say goodbye to someone they love who is not right for them.
Once you do break up, expect to grieve your loss — and keep your eye on the future and what’s important to you. You have a bright future, and you will find it, but you have to take responsibility for guiding yourself there.
🙂 December 17, 2009 at 11:42 am #11732ParticipantHi April, Thank you so much for all the previous advice about ending my 6-year relationship. Since I last wrote, my boyfriend and I had two serious talks, one by phone, another in person when I visited him. Both times, he begged me crying, not to leave yet, saying he was absolutely not ready to let me go and that he just needed a little more time.
After the latter talk, I gave him until Thanksgiving to tell me the things I needed to hear: (1) That he would move to be with me after I graduate and (2) That I’m the person he wanted to marry and that we’ll get married in the next couple of years. We planned to have this conversation over the phone because of our long-distance.
During this final (phone) conversation he told me he could not give me the things I wanted right now. He said he didn’t know what decision he was going to make until just beforehand. He also said that while it “probably wasn’t something I would want to hear”, he could “never truly close the door” on being with me in the future. He even admitted he may never find someone as compatible as I was. I broke up with him. I knew this was the right thing to do. However, I told him that if he changes his mind he should contact me.
We spoke via phone one week after the breakup, and it was awful. He said he’s not going to look back or dwell on this decision. He was very cold on the phone and used cliches like “this too shall pass” and “one day I’ll be a happy memory”. He refused to talk about the reasons for his decision saying he couldn’t speak about it and it was too painful. It was like talking to a completely different person… In the past he was always willing to talk about anything and very emotionally available. We have had no contact since then, by my choice. He said that if I needed to see him again he would do it, but that he didn’t personally want that as it would be too painful.
It has now been 3 weeks since the breakup with just that one phone call. I don’t want to feel bitter about our relationship, but that last cold phone call made me feel like he was a completely different person, and that he was trying to erase an amazing 6-year relationship without looking back. He will be returning to my state (within 1 hour of where I live) for a week over Christmas and I wonder if I should see him to give myself some closure. The last time I saw him (early Nov) we were still together and had a sweet and loving goodbye, thinking we’d see each other again.
However, maybe seeing him this soon is a bad idea… if he acts very cold again then it might make things worse. If I don’t see him now, it could be months before the opportunity arises again. What do you think?
December 18, 2009 at 4:19 am #11096ParticipantHe is cold because he is hurting. Don’t feel guilty, he made the decision not to commit to you, so he is dealing with that decision. I know you miss him, Its hard not to, he has been a part of your life for so many years. I think that seeing him again will bring back feelings for both of you, but may not have a positive result. I can never take the advice I’m about to give you.- Do not contact him. The more time that goes by that you do not see or talk to each other, the faster you will get over each other. You need to get over him. You sound like a catch and this guy is a fool and will probably regret it. You WILL get over him. You WILL meet someone new, lots of new haha. You deserve someone who is ready to married, the man that is excited to marry you. Why would you settle for less. Also you’ll probably look back at this and think why?why?why? should of left a long time ago, most people do. I know I did:) My advice is – Do not call him or go see him. He made the decision, he is lucky that you stayed with him as long as you did.
December 21, 2009 at 3:25 pm #12990KeymasterMy advice is not to see him over Christmas. The bottom line is that this man is not Mr. Right — and you’ve finally figured that out. You stayed in the relationship way longer than you should hoping that he would change. He didn’t. Now you’re considering prolonging the break up, by seeing him again after you’ve already broken up, to try and get the break up you want from him. What will it take to make you see who he is and that you can’t control him? The sooner you understand this simple principle, the sooner you’re going to be able to have a healthy and mutually happy relationship with a man. Don’t waste any more time with this guy. Accept who he is, and move on.
Use the holidays to get over him, then start the new year single and ready to find Mr. Right. Keep the focus on you and your needs in a relationship, and if a man doesn’t measure up or isn’t able to give you what you know you want, then move on.
Sorry to be tough on you, but I’d hate to see you repeat old patterns that have gotten you in a rut.
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