So my ex-girlfriend won’t leave me alone…

Thanks for the advice, April. What you said was largely what I expected…and is undoubtedly the right thing. As for my ex being prone towards inappropriate behavior, I will say this: I worked with her for a while, until she was fired from the job for sending pornographic picture messages to an administrator (not of her, though). She said it was just as a joke; obviously, he felt differently. And yes, I was indeed dating her during this time, it was probably about a little under a year into the relationship. And yes, I stayed with her; I didn’t condone what she did, but I forgave her. She then went about seven months unemployed, during which time I paid her bills for her (as she was unable to draw unemployment, or at least as far as I will ever know) rather than see her lose everything: I paid her rent (as I didn’t live with her), her car payments, her car insurance, food, food for her cats, even movies/clothes/whatever to keep her happy…you name it, I paid for it. In hindsight, my friends and family were absolutely right — stupid move on my part, but I was sure that it was the right thing to do, as I had been with her for awhile and I did care about her. She was able to secure a couple of part time jobs during this time, but she hardly made enough to make any payments and they didn’t last too long. And that’s a major part of what hurt/depressed/angered me when I finally broke it off; I spent at least nearly half the time that we were together making sure she was on stable feet, and within the first two weeks of her finally getting a full-time job is when I caught her lying about where she was (I’ll never know, but more than likely she was with another man). She also has been twice divorced, with both marriages ending due to various adulteries committed by her; I didn’t learn of these until after we had been together for a while, and I reasoned that they were ‘before my time’ and thus didn’t concern me. Yeah, right. And I only learned of it because one of her ‘men’ kept coming around wanting to know why she ‘lied’ to him (I snuck a peek at her texts); before that, she would go out on lunch break to eat with him (he’d pick her up), telling me that he was a friend of her father’s, which i believed until i learned the truth of course, as the guy was fairly old (to put it bluntly). One time she went on a date with a man that she said was a cousin; later I discovered that he was a roomate to one of her promiscuous friend’s several ‘boyfriends’, and it just so happened that their date followed a weekend that she spent with her friend. She claimed it was coincidence, which i never really bought but forgave her for. Ah, but I”m venting now. But as I said — I stayed in it for far too long. And only I’m to blame for that, honestly. As I stated though, I suppose I was able to fool myself because after happenings such as these, there would be a relative period of peace and we’d have good times for while. At least, until the next ‘coincidence’ would pop up.

My closest friend is not a psychologist but is a very educated and learned man nonetheless, and he’s told me that she sounds like a borderline sociopath, which may be true, considering she’s prone to lying and betrayal, as well as seemingly taking no responsibility or remorse for her actions. Whereas at first it was upsetting to me to think that someone could treat me as such, now it just depresses me that I was even with someone like that at all, let alone for how long I was with her. You’re very right when you say that I want her gone for good; you’re also very right when you say that I don’t seem to always act it. I live in an area where my social outlets (friends and such) have been steadily dwindling for the past few years, as people have moved on and away, and most of my closest friends live nearly three hours away. As such, there are times when I’m alone with my thoughts, and I may get lonely or depressed which opens a door to me answering her texts/calls and being willing to socialize with her (which in and of itself is perhaps why it’s been hard for me truly ‘pull the trigger’ on getting rid of her for good). Now that doesn’t happen all the time (only twice, as I stated before), as mostly I’m just disgusted with the thought of her anymore; being in her thirties, I thought that she’d be more settled than what she apparently was. In fact, there was a period of time through September that I did indeed block her number. I have a Blackberry, and while those phones can do a lot, one thing they don’t have is a block/reject list; that costs extra on my plan. I was able to get a 30-day trial period for free, and I told my ex before hand that i was blocking her number, with the idea being that she’ll text/call within the month, I won’t answer, and she’ll take what I said to heart and stop, thinking that she was blocked forever (I didn’t tell her it was only for 30 days, naturally). However, a few days after I had dropped it, I recieved some nasty texts from her; so, presumably, she had been texting the whole time during that 30 days (and I did indeed answer when I couldn’t take it anymore, though to tell you the messages that prompted me to do so would be…distasteful and disturbing). I didn’t truly realize it until you said something, but I have indeed been playing the part of victim, and perhaps for even well over a year now, if not longer (going all the way back to when my ex and I were together). I’m a proud guy, and that’s hard to admit, but I’d say that came from my willingness to forgive/forget, and continuously leaving myself open for more ‘punishment’. At any rate, I finally took the advice I’d been given to heart, and this past weekend I changed my number (on a somewhat ridiculous side-note, the last time I spoke with her two weeks ago she claimed that she was an extra in a certain movie that was shot in Memphis this past summer; I do know that she did indeed go to Memphis this past summer, but researching this movie, I learned that it was filmed in Memphis in 2008, not 2009…I’m sure she heard this film was shot there and thought to tell me to impress (?) me, which is funny yet sad at the same time). It may sound absurd, but this is all true. Once again, thank you for the advice, and most especially thanks for hearing me out.

Well, you’re right on several points…all of them, actually. I’m an intelligent guy, I grew up as an only child and spent quite a bit of time by myself, and I most definitely tend to over-analyze a lot of things, even things that I’d be better served to not analyze at all. Sometimes I can’t help it, honestly. I did indeed ramble on about my ex and I thought about deleting most of it before I posted, but didn’t. Writing it out made me feel better, actually, as once it was out of my churning mind I was able to truly note how ridiculous it all is, and that I shouldn’t feel down. But at times I do. As for not knowing how to attract a “normal” person, that’s something I’ve often thought about as well; I’m not sure I can, especially at this point. I’ll give an example. I had my first truly serious girlfriend in my early-twenties; I was engaged to her at one point. I held absolute trust in her, and the most problems we had were that she could be extremely tempermental at times, to the point that I thought she was bipolar, but she was borderline diabetic, so that’s what I chalked it up to. She would always leave for few days (or longer), but always had a reason that I understood and believed. I shouldn’t have; I found out later (about four months before the wedding) that she was smoking meth, and had been since her late-teens. Needless to say, after that, a lot of stuff came to light, and it was like she was living a dual life: one with me, the other with these “friends” of hers. I tell you that to give some perspective; it took awhile, but I did get past that and was able to move on. And in my defense, having not had any dealings with drug-addicts before that point, I was naive and oblivious (perhaps I still am in a lot of ways). The next few weren’t all that great either but they didn’t last long, as I was able to back out early and end it. The last one, I obviously should have backed out long ago, but I kept on.

I do want to be loved and respected by a woman that I’m with; I don’t believe I’ve ever been the recipient of such things, honestly. I am at times bottomed out on self-esteem and self-worth, from what I allow myself to be put through by others; I believe I am an attractive guy, I’m smart, honest, all that. But I can’t understand what happens. I’m at a point now where I want a strong, serious, long-term relationship; I’m not getting any younger, all my friends are married, and even a few of my young cousins have gotten married. Maybe it’s not in the cards for me, I don’t know. If I ever was to find myself in a “normal” relationship, I’m sure that one of two things would happen: it would either be the easiest thing in the world for me (considering I can make these screwed up relationships with screwed up people half-way work); or I’d unwittingly sabotage the good relationship due to being used to bad ones. I don’t know. Like I said, I don’t understand why this is the way it is; self-esteem issues, sure. I’m sure there’s something wrong with me. I am looking into relocating to the city to be closer to my close friends and having more social outlets, but at the same time, it’s a tough decision to make, as I wonder if the change would be any different for me (and further complicated by my mother, who’s been in relative poor health for years, which is a long story but begins with a broken back, and I don’t think I could forgive myself if I left and something bad happened, though by that same token I want out of this area, as it looks like I’m cursed around here). Anyway, thanks again, April.

Hi, April. I’ve been mulling over what you told me the past few weeks. I have been offered a job in the city – its mine for the taking. However, I have yet to decide whether to take it and relocate or not (right now I’m more inclined to turn it down) as I’ve been thinking about what you said, about how a change of scenery or residence would do me little good if I didn’t fix myself first. The move is something that I take seriously, but I have indeed been wondering whether or not I’d move up there and then feel as though nothing was different. At this point, I honestly feel that I’d feel largely the same as I feel down here (though I think I’d be better off in some ways and worse off in others). At any rate, you said that I needed to work on myself first, or else it wouldn’t change. It may sound somewhat ignorant of me to ask, but what do you perceive needs work, and what can I do to change it? Sorry if it sounds like a dumb question, but maybe it would sink in more if I heard it, since I’m having trouble grasping it on my own (not that I’m unintrlligent, but, as we have already established, I can be ignorant to some things). Thanks again, April…and try not to be too harsh.