My ex is dating the ex-wife of the man I’m dating!

It seems like your anger stems from a couple of places.

First of all, you may have been angry to see your ex-husband succeed in love with [i]any[/i] woman, regardless of whether it was someone you were once close with, friendly with — or didn’t know at all. It’s very normal for a divorced person to want to see his or her ex-spouse fail in love so that they can feel as if the marriage’s failure was their ex’s fault, and not their own. When marriages fail it’s normal for everyone to want to blame somebody, and the ex-spouse is the typical target. When the ex lands on his own two feet, it’s harder to blame him for the failure of your own marriage.

The remedy for this is your ability to understand the process you’re going through. If you can analyze and accept the reasons that you and your ex-husband married, loved each other, and then failed in your marriage, you will be much slower to point fingers at him. You’ll begin to see the divorce as just a part of your journey and not the main event in your life. I know that this is hard to do, but you are so honest in your feelings and your post that I trust you have the power to do this. Honesty is important in self awareness. You have it in spades. 🙂

Second of all, there is a loss of privacy when your ex-husband hooks up with someone you know, and someone your friends know, too. Divorced people vent. Frequently. It’s part of the way they heal from the trauma of a divorce. Usually they vent to friends — and sometimes even strangers. Anybody works. The secrets and intimacies which were your marriage are now fodder for gossip among your crowd because your ex-husband is dating your boyfriend’s ex-wife, and you all share a social set. This must feel like a terrible betrayal to you, knowing that your ex-husband and his girlfriend are giggling over his spin on your marriage’s failure.

The remedy for this loss of privacy is to take a look at your own behavior right now, and your own friends. Be careful what you say and who you say it to. Ultimately, people will overlook gossip, and they are way more understanding than you may imagine right now, when you’re feeling wounded. Don’t sweat the small stuff, and do stick to the truth, no gossip, and honor your friendships.

Third, you are experiencing an exponential loss of control in learning of your ex-husband’s relationship with your boyfriend’s ex-wife. Divorce is a terrible loss of control. (Divorce with children, even more so.) Your ex-husband’s behavior is no longer something that you are responsible for nor is it something you have to be linked to. The flip side of that is he may act like a total jackass, and now that he’s single, there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it, nor is it any of your business as long as it doesn’t affect you.

The remedy for this loss of control is to remember what it is that you actually do have control over: your own behavior — and that’s it. Your ex-husband’s dating your boyfriend’s ex-wife may seem like it has to do with you, but the reality is that all four of you are legally single, consenting adults. You’re not breaking the law, cheating on each other or purposefully hurting each other.

Lastly, remember that you are not a victim. If your relationship with your ex-husband’s girlfriend’s ex-husband gets too emotionally and socially burdensome for you, you can always quit him! You’re single now, and you have freedom that you didn’t have in your marriage. So consider your own options as escape valves. 🙂

I think it would be a great idea for you to expand your circle of friends as well. As a single woman (even if you do have a boyfriend), having other single women as friends — especially women who have gone through divorces themselves — will make you feel supported, free, and not as reliant on your married friends and coupled friends for intimacy, friendship and people to whom you vent about your life.

I hope that helps — your situation is definitely complicated and your feelings are all justified, but you can get out of this rut you’re in right now, unscathed. You just have to consider your options and do the work.
😀

I totally agree with what Anon posted (April as always). Very well put.