Husbands Sexual Desire Towards Wife

This topic has 3 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 15 years, 2 months ago by jmpm.

Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)

Author

Posts
June 14, 2010 at 1:29 pm #2459

relationshipa1
Keymaster

My husband and I were together for 16 years, since we were the ages of 16 & 19. We had 4 children together. Nearly two years ago he had an affair and we divorced. Present day, we get along very well. We are extremely close friends and we love each other. We talk about getting back together but we have never been able to address the issue that lured him to the affair to begin with. My husband says making love to me feels as though he is making love to his sister. It wasn’t always this way, just in the later years of our marriage. He is afraid to go to counseling. He was sexually abused as a child and mental illness runs in his family. He refused to go to counseling because he doesn’t want to dig up the past. Perhaps his past doesn’t have anything to do with his lack of sexual desire towards me. Are we better off staying divorced or can we overcome this issue and if so, can you point me down that path?
Thanks,
Paula

June 14, 2010 at 7:27 pm #14119

April Masini
Keymaster

The trick here is to be vigilant about re-establishing intimacy and communication. I know it’s difficult for you to ask him why he cheated on you, but until you do, and until you are both able to discuss this event that was the catalyst for your divorce, you can’t get past it. There is no short cut. Ignoring it won’t work and pretending it didn’t happen won’t work.

Keep talking. Keep asking questions. Keep telling him how you feel. If you can both get past your feelings about what happened and establish some understanding, empathy and forgiveness as well as some reasons why things are different now than they were when the betrayal occurred, you may be able to reunite.

You’re very brave to do what you’re doing, but it will require patience and hard work from both of you.

I hope that this helps. Let me know how things go and how I can help further.

And come see me on Facebook at this link: ~~[url]~~http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url]. I have a new group page on Facebook called AskApril.com. I hope you’ll request membership on that page!

June 15, 2010 at 12:43 pm #14276

jmpm
Participant

Dear April,
I cannot thank you enough for taking the time out to help me. We are not yet fully convinced ourselves that reunification will happen. We feel that it would be best of course to have our family back together but we are fully aware that we must deal with the issues that caused him to have an affair to begin with. Although when we first seperated it seemed like we were at war, we have learned to forgive and have a great relationship now but it wasn’t without a lot of work and heartache. Although we talk about it, we are not intimate at all and we do live seperate lives when we aren’t doing things together with the kids. We are trying to be very cautious not to jump the gun because our kids feelings are at stake. We do spend time alone together talking almost daily. Yesterday we were talking about this issue and he told me that when we were married he felt guilty when we had sex. The guilt was greater if I were doing things to him that he as a child was forced to do to his violator. He said he did not feel this guilt when he cheated on me with a “trashy” woman. He said that as we had children and more children the more he drew a line between love and sex. Talking about it seems to be drawing us closer together however if we can’t have sex, we can’t get back together. I will definatley join your Facebook group.
Thanks again,
Paula

June 16, 2010 at 12:12 am #14270

April Masini
Keymaster

I’m glad I was able to help, and it sounds like, from what you’ve written most recently, that your talks together have brought out some information about the cause of the affair. His sexual molestation as a child seems to be linked to his challenges with staying monogamous sexually. But it’s not an insurmountable problem. Keep talking. Keep getting him to open up. Keep telling him how you feel about his experiences and about how they affected you. If you are patient enough (and this is a tall order, I know!), and you keep that channel of communication open and primed, you will build a good relationship with trust he’s never had before. You’re going to have to accept slow going, but it sounds like the end result is worth it to you and to him.

I wish you a lot of luck! Let me know how things work out. 😀
Author

Posts