Anonymousthere is just so much truth in what you said and i guess i was just looking in one way and not at all sides…you know what i mean? i was so wrapped up in trying to understand him and what is going on with him — when if he himself cannot figure that out yet then how can another apart from himself do? anyways, somehow i learned to lift the burden off my shoulders. at least trying to analyze the things you said got my mind off the possibility him fooling around (which i really hope not).
we had a drinking spree this weekend — just the two of us (as always) — there really isn’t just too many pleasant people to bond here with in our neighborhood — and it was like the old times — i forgot to mention that we were just friends before it became us. We are still the best of friends though — and our weekend unwinding was OK. Just being in a light mood and having fun — he was really bubbly, and seeing him that way really made me smile. That was the fun part. The sad part — i guess him being tipsy just made him kinda loosen up more to me, i was not his GF at that time, i was a buddy. He was able to get some things off his chest and just spill it out. He said he did not think his life had a direction— well being the buddy i was, i just let him talk, nodded here and there and made him really feel somebody is listening. Well i was listening. And i tried very hard not to show the GF expression and i suppressed the GF reactions. I wanted to know what is up with him at the moment and if he is coping with the depression. But now i am writing this because there is nobody else i can tell how saddening it was to hear that —- even knowing that he is in the middle of a war with himself — just hearing THAT just made me feel invisible in his life, past or future — and it left me plain sad. =( I know he had to deal with himself and sort things by himself especially that his dilemma is his own — nobody else in the picture– I know that. I guess there really is always in one point of our lives that we encounter this stage.
I just feel the need to get the sadness off my chest too after hearing that. That night — i just felt like I would like to burrow in my own depression too which i was holding and fighting off all this time. Other than that — i’m ok. I just would like to keep in mind one of your points where I just have to treat everyday beautifully and that somehow, when he sees that — he would want it too, again. I remember, what really striked him in my person was the optimistic, kindhearted me. I guess i lost that in time too — and i have to work bringing that back in me. Not only for him to see that — but i know its for me to be.
I guess there are just puzzles in each of us at one point or another. I just hate how it can be so tricky sometimes.
Thanks again anyways! And, ow. Since i want to keep you posted — its 4 weeks straight no sex now.
ciao!
