I’m sorry for your wife’s ordeal, and yours, as well. Many people don’t realize that the rape victim is not the only victim in this crime. Your own pain is very important. I can hear you’re struggling to make sense of what happened, and the way you learned about it. It is very difficult to not have been informed when it happened and to now have to second guess everything and wonder if there weren’t measures that should have been taken. Ultimately, the bottom line is that you were not there, and she did the best she could under a terrible circumstance. She is probably going through a similar thought process, wondering what she could have done differently, and possibly blaming herself. It’s very, very difficult to put yourself in someone else’s shoes in this particular circumstance.
I think it’s good that you’re thinking about this and talking about it. Better yet, would be to talk to her about it. More than once. More than twice, and more than three times. This is a very difficult topic, and you’re both going to process this at different rates in different ways. You may project your anger about what happened onto each other, instead of where it belongs — onto the rapist — because it’s easier to lash out. You may act angry instead of sad. Or you may feel like you’re the victim because she withheld information and she was cavalier about what happened. The important thing is to understand that she was raped and you are devastated. Everything after that is derivative.
I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any more questions.
AskApril Masini