marY09Thank you for the advice a while back. I ended up giving Mr. In a Rush the gift of rejection. But was then driven to resolve my issues as to not hurt someone else.
So I emailed my long term ex, to get some things off of my chest. I felt very disrespected by how he went about ending the relaionship and lost as to why still.
Instead I ended up getting a text that he wanted to talk. So I called him and he eventually says that he may have made a mistake with us; but he didnt call because I told him not too, and he was advised not to bother me; and he felt like my parents and fam prob hated him so he wouldnt even have a chance to work things out. He said he wanted to just talk again, but he was afraid he would hurt me again, because he is still lost with a lot in life. He said he believed the reason things ended a year and a half ago was because he was not stable and could not contribute anything to our relationship. He wasnt here much cause of baseball and he didnt have much income or sure future.
So this was about 4 weeks ago. We started talking for a week, and then my sisters decided to befriend him online (OH BOY). My sis started snooping to find that he started talking to another girl like 2-3 weeks after we broke up and he started to date her and it sounded like lived with her.
So I confronted him about it, expecting that he prob actually cheated on me and was dating her before we broke up. Well, he said no that nothing had happened while we were dating. But yes they did date, moved in together because he got kicked out of his place (this is all in canada by the way), and they dated for a couple months til he moved back to illinois.
He apologized for not mentioning it early but didnt think it was something to bring up in the first week of talking again and he claims it wasnt a big deal. He did get kinda emotional about things, but also went into being confused about life still and money and jobs. With us, he said that he feels like i am worth fighting for but he doesnt having anything to offer still, and feels that he doesnt deserve me; so it is hard to fight for someone that you dont feel that you deserve. We talked for 5-6 hours and ended it saying that I wanted to think about how I felt about the whole situation; that i wanted him to work on stabilizing his life; and that he should try to decide if the stability thing was truely the reason we didnt work out at the time.
OK so I decided I wanted to keep talking with him at least to find out for myself how I felt about things, and who he was now. So everything was actually going really well. He had talked about going back to school or finding a job. He said he thought maybe the only reason he did baseball was because it was “cool” which is a bad reason…We went to the gym together a couple times and bowling once with friends…..
Then he gets an opportunity to play baseball in Holland for 3000 a month and a tryout from some scouts for minors and semipro in the US. (hes been a ball player since he got drafted out of HS to the minors, got released due to shoulder surgery, and got traded between a couple semipro teams. hes 26 now.).
So initially he didnt seem too eager to choose that path. Then two weeks ago all of a sudden he starts talking about oooo trying to decide between holland or the US. I was kinda shocked cause of how early he thought hed move on and do school or a job. He said baseball is what he loves though, and if he didnt try (again) that hed regret it, he couldnt stand if someone ever told him down the line that he could have made it, and that its really the only guareteed way for money right now which he needs desperately due to family isssues.
So none the less i was kinda bummed, shocked. No where in his speal on the future did he mention us. Only baseball and money. I had no part in his future, despite his desire to talk again..?
So I told him later how i felt that his life with baseball doesnt seem to involve me. And that honestly thats not the type of person i want anyways.. that i want to be with someone who is around to be with, share things with, eventually have a family with; but with baseball… he couldnt ever be certain he would be around. And baseball is unstable in nature, which is why we broke up sooo why would i want to risk that again.
You know what… I dont think when we were ever talking he addressed the “us” issue. Again he started talking about his concern about where he’d go with baseball and how hard its been for him chosing where to go with baseball.
Im so drained. I went into this trying to end this unsettling feeling inside, instead i found that I still do have a flame for him (which i didnt realize before), that he maybe still did for me (but given his actions i dont believe it), and now i just want to move on. I just want to be happy again and not miss him and have to urge to talk to him. How do i do that? Thanks
