[AskApril Masini]

You keep saying that he isn’t over you, but clearly, it’s you, as well, who is not over him. I think that your ex-fiance was not able to handle your long term illness and he feels conflicted, guilty and sad about that. While he has feelings for you, clearly, he isn’t able to be strong for you. He isn’t able to call you or visit you when you have an operation or are sick. He can’t handle the tough times. And he knows it. That’s his lot in life to deal with.

But his feelings aren’t your problem. In fact, you’ve got plenty on your own plate, including your physical health and your emotional health and social life in getting over a big break up and moving on. Rather than focus on him, I would advise you to focus on yourself. Accepting rejection and being disappointed that things didn’t work out are very important. Until you process what happened and accept it — without judgment — you won’t be able to move on.

I know you’re searching for some part of him to be strong enough or love you enough to show up in every way, but he is just not that man. And I think you’re having trouble accepting that. Maybe you can think of him as someone who loved you, and who you loved, but who isn’t the man you were supposed to marry because he didn’t have the strength for that “in sickness and in health” part of marriage, let alone that “for better or for worse” part of marriage.

The gift you’re getting in this pain is that if you can see through it, you’ll know that when you start to date again, you need to look for a strong man — one who can and will weather the bumps in the road of life that hit everyone and every couple. Dating is a way of figuring out who’s right for you and who can be your Mr. Right. If you’re smart, you won’t waste your time on people who don’t fit the bill — even if they’re a lot of other things. I would advise you stop offering your ex lifts, texting him, and making yourself available to him.

Move on with your social life, without him. You don’t have to hate him — in fact, when you stop hating him and being mad, that’s when you’ll know you’re truly over him. There’s someone who’s right for you out there, and when you let go of Mr. Didn’t Work Out, you’ll be free to find Mr. Right.