[AskApril Masini]

I can help you address your question about why you feel guilty for certain things. I think you feel guilty about breaking up with your boyfriend because you have the mistaken idea that you have the power to help and take care of him. Some people, and they are usually women, think that they are powerful enough to help everyone with every problem. They take in homeless, drug addicts, alcoholics, people with anger issues, drama queens and kings and others who need help. They try to help them, and end up feeling guilty when they realize that they can’t help these people. They feel like they’ve failed in their ability to fix the problems. What they — and you don’t realize — is that you never had the power to help this other person fix their problem/s to begin with! Your boyfriend has anger issues that have nothing to do with you. You are just the catalyst for this round of anger. Before you there was someone else, and after you there will be someone else. If you can understand that you can’t help your boyfriend, then you will be able to let go of the guilt you feel because you didn’t help him.

You feel badly about the break up because he doesn’t want it. Well, that’s not your problem. I’m sorry to sound callous, but you can’t help him with his feelings about your having broken up with him. In fact, if he feels badly enough from the break up, only then might he consider that he had some part in it, and consider what about himself (his anger) he might want to change so the next woman won’t break up with him for the same reasons. So by hurting him with the break up, and taking care of yourself, you’re actually helping him.

This is a really basic dynamic. Parents hate to say no to their children because they hate to hurt someone they love so much, but without that all important, “No,” and the tears and tantrums that follow, children grow up without knowing boundaries and social rules. Somewhere along the line, your boyfriend never learned that his temper is unacceptable in certain social situations. You’re having to say that simple, “No,” by breaking up with him, and he’s having the hurt feelings as a result.

If you can understand, like the good parent who tells their child no early on, that there are certain behaviors that are not acceptable, then you’ll know that it’s not your responsibility to make him feel good and proliferate his bad behavior in the mix. You have to do what is right for you, as a member of society. Breaking up with someone is a form of “No.”

You can start feeling better about the rest of your life by saying no to other people around you. If you are divorced, depressed and unemployed, the last thing you should be doing is taking care of your bipolar, alcoholic adult brother, your overworked mother who was abandoned by her husband, and your sick grandmother. In addition to this last boyfriend who had a slew of problems. You don’t have the resources to take care of all these people, and it’s no wonder you’re depressed. You’re a 100 pound weakling who’s trying to push a giant boulder up a mountain. You can’t do it. You’re setting yourself up for failure. You don’t need medication for depression. You just need to change your behavior.

So, stop taking care of everyone else. If you’re in an airplane, and it’s going down in a crash, the airline suggests you put your oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your children. That’s not cruel — it’s smart. Unless you’re getting enough oxygen, you can’t help anyone you love. So use that lesson on yourself, now.

You need to take care of yourself, and yourself only. This is going to feel selfish, but if you truly understand that taking care of yourself will better allow you to take care of others, with a clear mind, you’ll barrel through your feelings of guilt and do the right thing. Don’t deplete your own energy — take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally and get a good job. Move into your own apartment, and maintain your own sanity. After six months to a year of this, then you can start doing nice things for your mother — who I’m guessing will see your example, and follow your lead in taking care of herself.

When you decide to be generous with your time, your heart and your money, choose people and places that will accept your help and use it well. If your brother is a bipolar alcoholic, you can’t help him. He needs medical help for the bipolar condition and he needs a program for his alcoholic disease, and only after he’s helped himself can he truly accept your help, so don’t give it, until he’s helped himself.

That doesn’t mean you can’t be polite and kind, but don’t waste your energy on people who suck it out of you and leave you so depleted you can’t grace the world with your smile and your unique gifts.