[lilredfaery]

Me and my bf have been dating 4 and a half years. He has a son with his ex who has always been a problem for us. Like he was staying the weekends with her for like three years of our relationship and i believe he cheated on me and i told him i would leave if he didn’t stop staying there and he did stop so i decided to try and work it our because of our two children.
Last week she got arrested for hitting him at a grocery store but he all he did was act all worried that she was in jail and might lose her job and stuff. And he is still arguing on the phone with her all the time, and today he spent most of the day dealing with her as he put it. He claims she showed up at our house while i was at work and he took her home but he was gone at lest a couple of hours maybe more because he didn’t get home until several hours later but he claims he was dealing with his brother who got arrested cause he took their moms car and stuff. So i am really confused because this is not the first time she did this to him when they were together she beat up on him all the time and several times since we’ve been together. i don’t understand why he text her and take her back and forth to work and acts so concerned about her when she does what she does. i told him today i think he still has unresolved feelings for her but he says he doens’t. I don’t know am i crazy? Am i the only one this doesn’t make since to? What should i do? Should i just cut my stings and go cause i really can’t deal with the stress of her and this mess anymore or is their any hope left for us? 🙁

we also have two children together.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Before I answer your questions, can you tell me:

1. If you’ve been dating for four and a half years and have two children, why aren’t you married?

2. Did he ever marry and divorce his ex?

3. Has he ever been arrested for anything?

As soon as I hear from you I’ll write back.

[lilredfaery]

1. he never asked me and i don’t think he wants to get married and neither do i. I’d like to think i would want to get married someday but maybe not.

2.no he was never married to his ex, he was married once before but not to her.

3.he was arrested in the beging of this year for not paying his speeding tickets but before that no.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

You’re not crazy — but you have stopped trusting your instincts. 😕 Your boyfriend is definitely still involved with his ex and he’s not telling you the truth because he doesn’t want to give up what he has with you. From his point of view, he can have it all. The question is, now that you know the truth, what will you do?

You’ve stayed with him because you have feelings for him and you have two children together, but the truth is, you’ve known about this betrayal for a long time — probably since before you had your second child. It’s time for you to start being pro-active and taking charge of your life instead of sitting back and watching the mess unfold and wondering why the pieces aren’t creating a pretty picture. I know this is hard for you to accept and do, but you’ll feel better if you start living with the truth instead of pulling the wool over your own eyes and acting confused.

If you stay with him, there will be more of this chaos. Based on what you’ve told me, your boyfriend’s been arrested, his brother’s been arrested and his ex has been arrested. These are people who don’t think that the rules apply to them. Even something as seemingly benign as not paying parking tickets so the court issues a bench warrant for arrest is a perfect example of your boyfriend thinking that he can do what he wants even if the community has deemed it wrong.

I don’t think this is a good environment for your kids or for you. I know it’s difficult for you to hear and for you to accept, but the best thing for you is to move out, get a child support and visitation order from the court, so your boyfriend is accountable for his responsibilities, and start trying to raise your kids and live your life with good values and truth and a minimum of chaos.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter: [url][/url].

[lilredfaery]

thank you for your advice it was very helpful and yes i have known about his cheating before we ever had a second child. I guess i thought if he stopped staying at her house things would be different. But iive relised in the past couple of months that I just don’t feel the same way about him anymore and no matter how hard i tried i just can’t feel that way anymore. I’m hesitant to do child support because i know he won’t pay it ,he owes like 18,000 plus to his ex wife for there two kids. I also worry that if we split he will have my kids around his ex which he has all ready done before against my wishes. Also I don’t make enough money to support myself and the kids right now on my own. I guess I am afraid of leaving and then not being able to do everything on my own. any suggestions?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Your fears of being a single mother are normal. That doesn’t make them any easier to swallow, but staying in the situation you’re in now is just going to leave you with a man who cheats on you and that’s not a great role model for your children, who will figure things out as they get older.

I know you’re afraid he won’t pay child support, but you owe it to your children to file with your county for support. The money is for them and unless you file, there is no chance of ever getting it. If you do file, there is a chance. If there is a good reason for your kids not to be around his ex then you need to address that now — or if you’re apart. You can get a restraining order to keep her away from your children if she’s dangerous. The court will help you with that. As for being on your own, if you split, there’s a flip side to the fear of that situation: You may actually show yourself and your kids that you can do it. You may be able to struggle and land on your feet — and there is no greater lesson or way to build self esteem for yourself and your kids than to get up when you’ve fallen down.

My advice is to face the facts, even though they’re cold. You’ve got a bunch of people with arrest records, violence and infidelity behaviors around your kids. My guess is that unless you change your own behavior, and create a new pattern of living, nothing else is going to change and that would be a shame for you and your kids. 😳

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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