[Anonymous]

I am 27 and dating a guy who is 28. I’m wondering if I’m crazy. I met this guy after being divorced for over a year. I was determined to stay out of a bad relationship because my ex husband cheated on me. He was great. Kind. Considerate. He told me i was beautiful and that i deserved the best. He basically treated me like a queen. He chased me for over a month before I agreed to go out with him. Almost 3 years later, I am still with him and due to economic circumstances we had to move in with my parents back in September of 08. Our relationship has been fine for awhile and then a train wreck the next. Recently things were going ok until he got a new job back in Janurary. Every week there is something going wrong. He didn’t have a car so he had had to use mine to go to work. At times he would stay at work much longer than he was supposed to and come home with one excuse after another. He has been telling me every single week for the past month that he hasn’t received a paycheck. I am not trying to get any of his money but I am supposed to be helping him save for a car of his own because it’s preventing me from working. I am enrolled in college online and I was hoping to get a part time job until I finish school. Every week theres another excuse. He lost his wallet one week, the next they messed up his paycheck at work. Last week they supposedly mailed his check but it never came. Today he was supposed to get another check and was supposed to be at work. I got a call a couple of hours ago from a coworker of his, His coworker always bums a ride with him. He called asking if he had arrived at home yet because he never picked him up. Now i know this sounds confusing but I am confused myself about what is going on. Is his friend lying or is he? In the past he has stolen from me, and has even taken my debit card without my knowledge. I had money put up for him in my bank account so he could save for his car and his excuse was that it was his money. Some people told me it had to be drugs but they do random drug testing at his job. All i know is, I dont see a penny. I have to put gas in the car, buy his food, cigarettes and basically support him with money I’m receiving for school. I can’t keep doing this. Last week he dissapeared again and when he finally showed up he told me he was at the bank dealing iwth fraud charges on his account from when he lost his wallent. Somone supposedly took is card and overdrafted his account over 600 dollars. Whats going on?? i love him but I can’t tell when he is lying or not. My parents almost kicked him out and he broke down and said he had nowhere to go. What do I do? I love him but these lies have to stop!

[Ask April Masini]

A doormat is something that people step on over and over and you AND your parents are human doormats because you allow yourselves to be taken advantage of. When you wake up from the emotional coma you’re in, you’ll see that you’re living with a crook.

Stop wasting your life and enabling a bad guy who is so far from Mr. Right, there’s no odometer to measure the distance.

Kick him out this minute and wise up so you don’t continue to waste your life. He’s an adult, not a baby left on someone’s doorstep. He shouldn’t be your problem, but until you get him out of your parent’s home, you’re completely responsible for being a part of a dead and destructive relationship. 🙄

[Anonymous]

You are right about all of it. What im concerned about is 1. being alone and 2. him hurting himself, which he threatens to do every time he thinks he is going to lose me. I have a feeling that he’s doing drugs. and he got fired today. He told me that he needs help. Should I still kick him out if he’s threatening to kill himself??

[Ask April Masini]

First of all, if he has threatened to kill himself, then your obligation is to call the police and tell them that your boyfriend has told you he’s going to kill himself, admitted he needs help, and that he has a litany of problems that indicate he may do harm to himself or someone else. The police will probably put him in a non-voluntary three day psychiatric hold so he can get professional assessment and professional help. That is a lot more than you can EVER do for this guy, so do the right thing and call the police now.

He’s a sick guy and you have to stop enabling his sickness which is making him worse, and creating all kinds of chaos for you and your parents, and take yourself out of his life once and for all.

As for your fear of being alone, that is something I CAN help you with! 🙂 If you effectively deal with this problem, and the very low self esteem you have, then you have a good shot at a happy life with real romance with a respectful, loving and successful man — and I would LOVE to see that happen for you, so roll up your sleeves and get ready to do some real work.

First of all, you need a job or a better job so you can support yourself and stop living with your parents when you’re 27 years old. So put all your energy into getting any job right now, and then a better job from there.

In addition, you need to fill your free time with [b]scheduled[/b] activities. The schedule and routine will help you with discipline, and it will help you show up. I want you to start exercising — find a cheap YMCA class or even a free one where you can swim, do aerobics or some derivative pilates type class so that you can start socializing with the folks in your classes and get your endorphins flowing.

Next, I want you to start volunteering at your local hospital, cancer ward, homeless shelter, battered woman’s shelter or political party. You need to start giving back to people in structured environments like these hospitals or shelters where you’ll have supervisors and colleagues who can support you, keep you on track, and accept your generosity in doing the same.

If you do those two things, automatically you’re going to have people in your life who will help you from feeling so alone! 🙂 And when you do, I want you to ask for rides, offer to spend lunch breaks or coffee breaks with them, and invite someone every week to do something with you — even if it’s a brown bag lunch in the park, do something with someone new!

Eventually your life is going to become full of positive, productive people because you, yourself will be nurturing that part of yourself and attracting like minds.

I hope this helps, and that you can turn your life around. You deserve it — so DO IT!! 😀

[Anonymous]

Thank you.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re welcome, and most of all, I wish you good luck! 😀

[Author]

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