[Anonymous]

I am in an odd situation. I am married to an amazing man, he is my best friend and I love him very much. Our relationship has a very rough beginning because while I was drawn to him intellectually and eventually as a companion and friend. We dated and i learned to appreciate the physical closeness and eventually physical intimacy. We had 2 children, many emotional struggles but I finally comprehended that he was my partner and to be in love with him. We married and I have never regretted that decision and have had an amazing relationship.
But..I now face a new struggle, discovering that I am Gay explains a lot in my life including the difficulty in establishing a trusting intimate relationship with him and enjoying the physicality.
Falling deeply in love with a woman has changed my world, my outlook, I have a deep abiding love for my husband but this is the most loving, passionate, caring, needful, thing I have ever felt. Love has never been a hunger for me. and I crave her smile and walks in the park and dancing. I feel romance with her, I feel challenged by her. For the first time in my life I am physically, mentally, emotionally, creatively and spiritually ignited.
My relationship (affair) with her has over three and a half years. I have tried to break it off with her, complete no contact or just as friends. My husband knows everything, I told him and we have rebuilt our relationship. I am always drawn back to her, I am in love with her. So much of me wants to marry her and have a family with her.

I have a family already that I am fully committed to, my husband needs me just as much as I need him, our kids need me, I need and love all of them. I am still in love with him and what we have together.

It is a constant struggle to maintain the balance between them. I am very clear and honest about how I feel, I do not want to leave my husband for her because I don’t want to lose him. I have told her I never will and that she should move on and find someone else. but i also find myself flirting with her shamelessly and very willing to fall back into a relationship with her. I promised my husband i would not sleep with her and have kept that promise.
I can see that much of this situation is my fault, if not all of it, Im hurting some wonderful people that I love with all my heart. I want to end the pain but there is no way to go without desperately harming someone. if not all. The kids are my focus right now, whatever the 3 adults need to go through, their world needs to remain loving and supportive. They know that all 3 of us love them and are there for them.

I know Im an idiot and I wish I could see how I managed to create this mess. but I am at the end of my rope emotionally, mentally with keeping them both not angry or hurt and I fail miserably with her. Really why does she stay ‘with’ me? She loves me and my kids and doesnt want to lose us, Im 34 she is 23, Im the only person who has loved her unconditionally and completely. I took her virginity and tell her I love her and still go back to my husband at the end of the day. I am a hypocrite. I think she should hate me, but she loves me and ‘accepts my imperfections’ . I am so in love with her. After 4 years, and this amount of drama, its not just lust and attention.

So the actual question.. what the HELL do I do now?

I have tried breaking up with her. Having no contact at all, I have tried cutting off all modes of communication. changing phone numbers. But something always brings me back to her. She is my first thought every morning and last whisper at night. And my poor husband sees it all. He’s amazingly understanding.
We have tried being just friends and that is what we are in practice. But every single emotion is still there, if we are in a room together the sexual tension is palpable. We do everything else, just no sex/petting/kissing or touching.
yeha, Im an idiot.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re not an idiot. But you’re not behaving with the maturity that your situation requires. Feelings are one thing, but behavior is another. Since you’ve decided to stay with your husband and children after cheating on him, and he’s agreed to this situation,[i] just do it[/i]. Discipline is important in life, as are priorities.

When you write that “something” brings you back to her — you should acknowledge that that “something” is your own behavior. Make your decision on how to live your life, and act on it. It’s very simple. Don’t let your feelings get in the way of your character. It doesn’t matter if you are straight or gay or both — living by your decisions and respecting yourself and other people is more important than how you feel.

I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes.

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