[converselycurrent]

April,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost a year now. We’re both in college. love her dearly, and she’s a wonderful person. We’re really great together in a lot of ways. To a certain degree, though, I feel like this relationship isn’t going anywhere. I think it’s partly (maybe more than partly) due to a lack of sex.

A little background is important first. I’m her first real boyfriend. I’ve had a couple of serious relationships in the past, but none have lasted as long as this one. When we first met, she hadn’t even kissed anyone before, while I had lost my virginity almost two years before meeting her. So we were on different levels. In the past 11 months though, she’s come a long way, and I’m really proud of her for that. She’s overcome a lot of anxiety and insecurity about her body and about being physical to get to this point. We’ve done pretty much everything except actual intercourse, and while I’ve tried to be as patient as I possibly can with her, that patience is starting to wane. I’ve let her set the pace for our physical relationship this whole time, because everything was new to her and I didn’t want to push her or pressure her into anything. But now we’re here, almost a year into the relationship and I’m starting to get antsy. She’s told me a handful of times over the last three months that she’s close to being ready, but I’ve learned to take those statements with a grain of salt. Sometimes it seems like she’s subconsciously putting up roadblocks to delay us having sex (like her having me get tested for STDs when I know for sure that I’m clean, or her refusing to talk to someone about her anxiety around sex), but maybe I’m thinking about that too much. Still, she’s insecure on other levels, too. She’ll make one little mistake or say something wrong, gauge my reaction as a negative one, and then blame herself and apologize when I wasn’t even mad or upset in the first place. I tell her not to worry, but I still end up having to talk her out of her guilt, or else she’ll beat herself up emotionally and make the whole situation worse. Her parents divorced when she was in the 4th grade, and I think a lot of this stems of that, and that she hasn’t dealt with a lot of it yet. But she won’t go talk to anyone about anything. Every time I bring it up, she says she feels like I’m telling her there’s something wrong with her. That isn’t my intention at all. I just want to help her.

So now I’m here. We’re almost a year into this relationship, and I don’t know what to do. I’m getting tired of constantly reassuring her that I accept her for who she is, and that not everything is her fault. I’m getting impatient about having sex. I want a relationship that will go somewhere, and I guess I’m still holding out hope that this one will, eventually. I really do love her, and it doesn’t feel like a situation where breaking up is appropriate. There is nothing abusive, malicious, or antagonizing about this relationship. Everything about it, apart from what I’ve described above, is great. But part of me wants out of it anyway. What should I do?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

You’ve got a pretty clear handle on what’s going on, but you want her to be someone she’s not. After a year, the sexual nature of the relationship is going to be your deal breaker. It’s pretty clear she doesn’t want to have the type of sex you do, and she’s making excuses rather than being honest. You have to decide how long you’re willing to wait, if you’re not there already. If you want to move on so you can be in a relationship with someone who’s more sexually compatible with you, that’s understandable.

I hope that helps.

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