[CVampX666]

[b]Okay – I do not know who else to turn to and I don’t normally post things onto forums but I desporetly need some help! I started dating my fience about a year ago and things were great till the honeymoon period wore off! He started to become distant and less affectionate – payed more attention to his games.

I suppose all my suspicions started when a girl who he had never mentioned before got in contact with him and asked if he wanted to go out for a few drinks at a club in the next town down the highway. I was happy for him to meet his so called “friend” who he had known all those years, so I agreed and they went out! We were not living together at the time. I called him a few hours later to see if he was having a good time and the girl was shouting ar me down the phone telling me to f**k off and let him have a good night. He kept apologising and said she was drunk and that it was her first night out without supervision… Supervision?? Thats what I thought – he said she was mental is some way.

Anyway a few days later we were in bed and I wanted to look through his pictures as I took a few using his phone of a random event in town. And suddenly I came across some pictures of the girl in question naked and posing. I asked him about it and he said she must have sent them through blue-tooth when he went for a piddle (toilet). A few days later when he went for a nap – curiosity got a hold of me – and since 95% of my past relationships cheated on me, I wanted to make sure. What I found was astounding – she had sent them through text message and he encouraged her for them. And what made it worse was they were sent when he was with his and my mates who I thought I could trust. I confronted him – he closed up – eventually admitted it and said it was just for a laugh. Anyway – I let is slide by..it was just pictures.

Anyway – now and then he text her bitching about me whenever we had a fight of some-sort. And she would constantly flirt with him, called me a stalker etc;

He has locked his phone and laptop now so I can never get on.

But we still have problems which constantly make me think he is cheating. He never shows me affection unless I force it – he is always on his games – never talks to me! Whenever I try to talk to him about any problem – he closes up and says “If I don’t know what to say – I wont say anything at all” He is always on edge, panics when I go near his phone – try to distracts me when I want to go on his laptop, by suddenly becoming affectionate. And when we are out he is never near me or wants to be close – never kisses or cuddles – but when he talks to other people he is over the moon and smiles – when he is near me he is grumpy. He says he is not affectionate in public – which I don’t mind, but he isn’t affectionate when we are alone either.

He gets moody and ratty when I ask who has just text him or ask him about the girl from before. We hardly have sexual intercourse..maybe once ever 2 months if I’m lucky! (By the way – I’m 19 he is 26) The age does not matter to me or my family!

Iv’e suggested having a break for a while – but he said that its either we stay together or not at all. He turned down relationship help. Just sits on the couch all day plays his online games – eats drink and sleeps.

The other day he was sending long secret messages to one of his ex’s and when I asked about it he said they were private and just between him and her.

Iv’e said all I can think is important..please give me some advice…try not to make it talk to him though as it never works at all
thanks[/b]

[crazed-driver]

How long was it after your engagement did he start to behave this way? Anyway I think if he’s not cheating, he’s keeping his options wide open by flirting, exchanging photos, etc and being extremely disrespectful. Did you question your mates when you found out about it? Personally if my gf acted like this, I’ll finish with her on the spot, I wouldn’t even think twice and if my “mates” take her side over mine or lied to me, then I’d ditch them too.

[CVampX666]

[quote=”crazed-driver”]How long was it after your engagement did he start to behave this way? Anyway I think if he’s not cheating, he’s keeping his options wide open by flirting, exchanging photos, etc and being extremely disrespectful. Did you question your mates when you found out about it? Personally if my gf acted like this, I’ll finish with her on the spot, I wouldn’t even think twice and if my “mates” take her side over mine or lied to me, then I’d ditch them too.[/quote]

It started before the engagment – but it had calmed down alot at the time but it started again weeks afterwards. And yes I asked them about it and they said they were just having a laugh. His ex that sent him the long messages – Ive just found out by snooping Misses him – apparently they talked alot about getting married before he met me and he was saying something about he couldnt do anything because she had moved on with someone else and due to the “circumstances” now he cant do anything…He also said months ago that he hopes he got into the navy soon to get away.

[Ask April Masini]

Buckle up because I’m about to give you hardcore advice:

The problem is not him. The problem is you. For some reason you seem to think it’s okay to allow yourself to be disrespected over and over and over again. You wrote that you have a history of choosing men who cheat on you. The answer to the question you didn’t but should have asked (Why is my boyfriend cheating on me?), is: Your boyfriend/s cheat on you because you allow it. 😮

The minute you decide you deserve a man who respects you and who you respect, that’s when you’ll start attracting men who won’t cheat on you.

Obviously, you shouldn’t marry this guy let alone spend another minute with him. He doesn’t respect you and he treats you as such. But again — that’s not the problem. The problem is that you stay and continue to wear an engagement ring and consider a future together. 😕

It’s time for YOU to shape up and ship out — of this relationship and into one where the man WANTS to be with you and WANTS to treat you with the respect YOU feel you deserve, and so does he.

I hope that helps. And I’m sorry if it was a little rough, but because you have a history of this behavior of choosing cheaters, someone needs to tell you what you haven’t heard or listened to before.

Let me know how it goes — and join me on Facebook — you might meet someone interesting there! Here’s the link to AskApril.com on Facebook: [url][/url]. 😀

[crazed-driver]

I agree completely with april on this. I couldn’t have worded it better myself. However I don’t agree with the fact that its your fault that you attract these types of guys, but it is your fault if you stay with them after you find out about them disrespecting/cheating on you, etc. I know you can’t help who you fall for before you get with them, but try and fall for a differant type of guy, who you wouldn’t normally looks twice at. Not only is it a differant approach, but you’ve done it the other way a lot and it hasn’t worked has it. Plus it gives that other guy a chance to be with a woman who will appreciate him being nice to her as they’re are a lot of women who don’t, despite the fact they say they do.

[Ask April Masini]

I don’t think I wrote that choosing cheaters is anyone’s “fault”. 😕 The fact is that we choose partners because of the way they make us feel about ourselves. If there is some part of you that feels like you don’t deserve loyalty then you’ll keep choosing men who don’t give that to you until you realize what it is you’re doing and decide to change your own behavior. We all have responsibility for much of our own lives, and while luck and fate and chance may play a part, if someone chooses cheaters over and over and over and admits to a history of doing so, they have the insight into their own behavior to start making some positive changes. 🙂

[Ethan Morales]

April Masini didn’t sugarcoat it, and honestly, she’s right to some degree. This guy’s behavior screams disrespect, but what’s worse is that she’s still hanging on like waiting for him to magically become decent. That’s not love, that’s self-abandonment. He’s locking devices, flirting, gaslighting her, and she’s rationalizing it because she’s scared to lose him. But what she’s actually losing is herself.

I get why April flipped the focus back on her. People hate hearing it, but patterns repeat until we break them. If every guy cheats, it’s not bad luck it’s a sign you’re choosing the same kind of man over and over, maybe because chaos feels familiar. That’s not judgment, that’s a call to self-awareness.

The fiancé? He’s emotionally checked out. He’s using games and secrecy to escape accountability. “Private messages with an ex”? That’s betrayal, plain and simple. The affection drought, the defensiveness all symptoms of someone already gone, just not physically. He’s stringing her along because he likes control and comfort, not commitment.

April’s advice leave him, now is harsh but necessary. There’s no fixing a man who doesn’t want to be fixed, and no therapy works if one person refuses to participate. The “either we stay together or not at all” line? That’s emotional blackmail controlling her by limiting her options.

This woman needs to rebuild her sense of worth. Not by revenge or rebound, but by pulling back from men completely for a while. She needs to learn that peace isn’t boring and that being alone isn’t failure. If she doesn’t face the root issue the part of her that accepts crumbs she’ll find another version of this guy in six months.

April’s delivery may sting, but it’s the truth. You can’t expect respect from someone who doesn’t even respect himself. And you sure as hell can’t build love on begging, checking phones, and crying over half-hearted affection. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to walk away not to punish them, but to protect your peace.

[Natalie Noah]

My heart aches for this girl, because you can feel how exhausted and confused she is. She’s not just dealing with a distant partner. she’s dealing with a man who has crossed emotional boundaries, encouraged inappropriate behavior from another woman, lied to her, and then responded with secrecy, irritation, and withdrawal. That combination alone is enough to send anyone into panic, self-doubt, and overthinking. But underneath the chaos, the real truth is simple: this relationship is starving her emotionally. She’s trying to hold together a connection that he stopped nurturing long ago. And when one person is fighting alone, the relationship becomes a place of loneliness, even when you’re physically together.

The pattern is very clear: he is disrespecting her in multiple ways, repeatedly, and without remorse. Flirting, hiding messages, ignoring her, getting angry when she asks normal questions, withholding affection, and then suddenly becoming sweet only when he wants to distract her, this is manipulation, not love. And the saddest part is that she keeps trying to “figure him out” instead of stepping back and asking, “Why am I accepting this?” When someone locks their phone, hides conversations with exes, and refuses to talk about problems, it’s not shyness or stress. it’s avoidance. He is protecting the life he leads behind her back, not the relationship in front of her.

April is absolutely right in the sense that the core issue isn’t just his behavior. it’s her tolerance of it. That doesn’t mean she’s to blame for being hurt; it means she deserves better but doesn’t believe it deeply enough to walk away. The moment you start accepting disrespect, your partner learns that they don’t need to change. He has learned that she stays, even when he hurts her. So instead of investing in love, he invests in getting away with things. And no relationship can survive when one person clings tightly while the other keeps slipping away.

The healthiest and most loving thing she could do for herself is leave. Not as a threat, not as a dramatic statement, but as an act of self-respect. She is nineteen young, deserving, and with her entire life ahead of her. This man isn’t her future; he’s a cycle. And cycles only break when you step out of them. She needs to choose herself, build her self-worth back up, and walk toward relationships where love feels safe, mutual, and consistent not something she has to beg for, compete for, or chase. Sometimes the hardest truth is the one that frees you the most: love shouldn’t feel like this.

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