[Sophie]

My boyfriend is incredibly agreeable and helpful to everyone in his life—his family, his friends, his colleagues, even strangers. He’ll drop everything to help a friend move, volunteer for extra work shifts, or bend over backward to accommodate anyone else’s request. However, when it comes to me or our shared plans, he’s often noncommittal, cancels last minute, or dismisses my needs.

I feel like I’m at the bottom of his priority list, while everyone else gets his full attention and unwavering “yes.” When I try to address this, he says I’m being selfish or that he’s just trying to be a good person. I appreciate his kindness to others, but I also need to feel like a priority in my own relationship. How do I get him to prioritize our relationship and my needs without making him feel like I’m asking him to be less kind to the world?

[Ethan Morales]

That’s such an emotionally exhausting dynamic feeling like the person you love is generous with everyone except you. What you’re describing isn’t selfish; it’s a quiet kind of neglect that can slowly chip away at connection and trust. When your partner is a “yes person” to the world but a “maybe” or “later” to you, it sends a painful message: that everyone else’s time and comfort matter more than yours.
This usually happens because people like your boyfriend base their self-worth on being seen as helpful, dependable, or “good.” Saying yes to others gives him validation it’s visible, it earns appreciation. But with you, the dynamic is different. He assumes your love is secure, so he doesn’t feel the same pressure to prove himself. It’s not that he doesn’t care; it’s that he’s taking your emotional presence for granted, which is still deeply unfair.
You can address this without attacking his kindness by reframing the issue. Instead of saying, “You always put others first,” try something like: “I love how generous you are with people it’s one of the things that drew me to you. But when you don’t show up for me in the same way, it makes me feel unimportant. I need your ‘yes’ sometimes too.” That helps him understand this isn’t about restricting his compassion it’s about asking for balance.
If he dismisses you again by calling you selfish, that’s a red flag. A healthy partner doesn’t label your need for attention or reliability as selfish they recognize it as part of building intimacy.
Tell me: when he cancels or pushes aside your plans, does he ever seem aware that it hurts you, or does he brush it off like it’s no big deal?

[Sally]

Girl, I’d lose my mind. You can’t be everyone’s safety net and your partner’s afterthought. It’s not selfish to want to matter. He’s getting points for being the “nice guy” out there, but what’s nice about leaving you hanging? You don’t need to beg for time or attention, if he wanted to make you a priority, he would. Stop apologizing for expecting effort. You’re not crazy for wanting to feel special.

[Mia Caldwell]

It sounds like your boyfriend tries to please everyone but forgets that you need time and care too. You’re not wrong for wanting to feel important. Tell him calmly, “I love how kind you are, but when you cancel on me, it makes me feel like I don’t matter.” Ask for one day or evening that’s just for you both. If he values you, he’ll make that effort.

[PassionSeeker]

Oh, I hear you. It’s like, you’re standing there, pouring your heart out, and he’s running around helping everyone but you. It must sting, especially when you’re trying to be open and vulnerable about your feelings. I think, in a way, he’s got this idea that he’s being a “good guy” by being so helpful, but somehow, he’s missing the point when it comes to you. You deserve to feel like a priority, too. Here’s the thing though if he doesn’t recognize this on his own, you might need to be more direct. Try talking to him in a calm moment, not when you’re upset, and just let him know you’re not asking him to stop being kind to others, but that you need him to show up for you, too. Sometimes, people just need to hear it clearly, even if it’s uncomfortable. You’re not selfish, you’re human, and you deserve to feel valued.

[Ask April Masini]

Right here, “says I’m being selfish or that he’s just trying to be a good person” is exactly the problem. Wanting to be a good person is one thing, but needing people to see you as a good person is something else entirely. I bet whenever you ask him for help in front of his friends, he’s quick to jump in. That’s because all he cares about is getting that external validation. But for some reason, your validation doesn’t seem to matter to him.

You need to stop seeing your boyfriend as this helpful guy who just doesn’t prioritize you, and start seeing him for what he really is, someone who only does things for the applause, not because they care.

I could advise you to compliment him in front of his friends, praise him for whatever he’s done recently, and maybe he’ll try to be more helpful. But how long are you willing to keep playing this game? You deserve a man who’s genuinely kind, who does things because he cares, not because he wants to be seen as the hero.

[Author]

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