[knuck]

2.5 years ago began online dating with Ruslana from Kyiv. 4 x week email. Met in Kyiv. Again last July. Speaks English physician, bright personality sociable laughs easily. Before visit I sent gifts flowers she loved. During 2 years she would go on business trips be out of contact. She explained she avoided everyone during her work related trips. She did not want to reveal where she lived when I offered to mail her portrait I made of her. After July we agreed meet again. Later she refused flowers because she was busy. We continued warm as before. We still talked about meeting but only when she knew would not be traveling. She still refused gifts saying that she did not want deliveries only if I give them personally. Yet she could not agree on a time for visit.
She never asks for gifts money. Towards holidays she became warmer than ever writing every day giving hope. During holidays she changed. Cool not writing often being too busy to write. Yet she was on dating site almost every day. I asked what happened to her attitude towards me if she wanted to end things. She was surprised by question. I let it go until February I asked what she thought about our 2 years and 3 months where it was going. No reply. Secretly I learned her address because she was mysterious. I wanted to know who I was falling for if I will be hurt. Wrong.
When no reply to my question of our 2 years I wrote a nice goodbye letter I wanted more than penpal but wife & wish her well. No reply. Feeling resentful I used her address to return cup she gave me last July because she would always refuse my gifts. Mistake. I wrote heartfelt letter how I felt our times together how much I missed her apologizing for my mistakes & finding her address sending back the cup. This heartfelt letter was translated into Russian to catch all subtleties. I sent it online American Greetings & received notice. I offered travel to meet anytime.
Send the portrait with note telling her I had hoped to give it at next meeting? Should have offered her more for the future last July? She had given me romantic signals. Is there anything I can do that wont frighten disgust her? I am so sad that I hurt her.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m so sorry you’re hurt after two and a half years of long-distance romance. It sounds like she isn’t interested in the same thing you are — she wants to keep the distance between the two of you without any “end game” in sight. You sound like you want more — more intimacy, more closeness, more visits, and maybe even marriage. She likes the contact with you, but she isn’t really interested in more. You have to admit, it’s strange that she won’t give you her home address after two and a half years of online dating. That doesn’t sound like someone who’s waiting to get to know a man before she opens up — that sounds like someone who wants to control the distance and the boundaries, and who doesn’t want to get closer to you than she is.

The problem with online relationships is that until you start meeting in person on a regular basis, you don’t really know that very important part of a person. You don’t know how they live, where they live, who they live with, what they really do with their days, etc. As much as you so sweetly want this to be real, unless she is willing to let you into her life beyond the emailing, calling and texting, this relationship isn’t going to progress.

Don’t beat yourself up about pushing to get her address to mail her gifts directly or to meet more often. You were absolutely doing the right thing. You were doing what people who want a real relationship do. Her push back is a sign that she doesn’t want more. My advice is to get over the pain of the break up and get back out there to date someone else who will let you meet more often, and who is more open about their life. My long-distance relationship rule is that if you don’t meet up after the first three months of online contact, move on. Someone who really wants to get close, will want to meet you sooner and more often. I’m sorry this is painful, but I think you’ve learned something important here.

[PassionSeeker]

I’m sorry you’re hurting after giving so much of yourself to Ruslana. You opened your heart and hoped for something real, but she chose to keep her distance and control how close you could be.

You wanted a true relationship closeness, honesty, and shared life and that’s nothing to regret. Her secrecy and hesitation reflect her choices, not your worth.

It’s time to let go, grieve, and move forward. You deserve someone who meets you halfway and welcomes you fully into their life.

[Ethan Morales]

Her behavior shows she’s keeping emotional distance intentionally. Over two and a half years, she’s given some warm signals but consistently avoided letting you into her life in meaningful ways refusing gifts unless given personally, being mysterious about her address, delaying visits. That’s not just caution; it’s boundary-setting to maintain the relationship at a distance she’s comfortable with.

You were doing the right thing by seeking more connection. Wanting to meet in person, sending gifts, expressing feelings these are normal and healthy actions for someone who wants a real relationship. Her repeated refusal or avoidance isn’t your failure; it’s her choice.

Long-distance relationships only work if both people are moving toward closeness. If she isn’t willing to meet more frequently or open up her life to you, the relationship can’t progress. The two-year mark is a key indicator: you’ve invested a lot, but she hasn’t reciprocated in a way that allows a deeper connection.

Continuing to send letters or gifts could push her further away. While your intentions are pure, persistent attempts to break through her distance can feel overwhelming or controlling to her, even if that’s not what you mean. This risks pushing her into withdrawal rather than opening her up.

Focus on your own healing and moving forward. It’s painful, but the healthiest step is to accept that she likely isn’t seeking the same kind of relationship you are. The emotional energy you’ve spent over two-plus years could be redirected toward someone who is open to meeting, connecting, and building a real-life relationship with you.

You did what anyone in your shoes would do. The issue isn’t you; it’s her unwillingness to move beyond a safe, distant connection. Sending the portrait or more gifts now may not helpit could actually scare her or reinforce her desire to stay distant. The healthiest option is to grieve this loss and focus on finding someone whose actions match their words.

[Marcus king]

Got you. I’ll speak to you straight, with compassion and in paragraphs, like you asked.

You weren’t in a relationship with this woman. You were in a hope. And hope can feel just as real as love when you’ve invested years, time, emotional energy, and imagination into it. But her behavior didn’t match the emotional closeness you felt. She kept her life private, avoided giving you an address, refused gifts, disappeared for stretches, and did not take steps toward a real relationship while remaining active on dating sites. That tells you everything you need to know about her investment level.

The moment you tracked down her address even with pure intentions you crossed her boundary. And because she was already distant, that move likely confirmed her fear: that the connection was more intense on your side than on hers, and that you were willing to go past what she was comfortable sharing. That’s why she has gone silent now.

Sending more letters, the portrait, another apology that will only push her further away. Not because your feelings are wrong, but because you’re trying to reopen a door she has emotionally already stepped out of. When someone is unsure, they move closer when they’re ready. When you chase, they only run faster.

Here’s the truth you need to sit with:
She liked the attention, the closeness, the romance of your connection but she didn’t choose you. If she wanted to build a life with you, she would have made meeting easy, not hard. She would have answered when you asked where things were going. She would have shown up with effort the way you did.

So what do you do now?

You stop reaching out. You do not send the portrait. You do not send another letter. You do not ask again. You let silence speak and trust that if she ever truly wanted you, she would say something now. But understand: it’s unlikely she will.

Your sadness is real. And you’re grieving not just her but the future you imagined.

Give yourself time to feel that. Not with shame. Not with regret. Just honesty.

But also understand this:

The kind of love you want mutual, open, committed will not require detective work or begging for clarity. It will look like someone meeting you halfway without you having to chase them across the world.

There is nothing to fix here. The story is already finished.

The only question now is whether you can let it end gracefully.

I’ll say one last thing, and it’s important:

You didn’t ruin this.
It was never a shared relationship to begin with.
She just didn’t tell you that clearly.

Now your job is to release her and allow your heart to recover so it can be given to someone who truly chooses you back.

[Lune David]

Long-distance relationships are tough enough — rushing them just adds another layer of emotional risk. It sounds like things moved fast, and when you’re not in the same place, “fast” can quickly turn into feeling distant, even if you started out close.

If he’s pulling away now, it might not just be about space — it could be about processing how real things got. When relationships go from texting and planning to serious feelings and long distance, it forces people to face what they really want… and what they’re afraid to lose.

At this point, the best move is to give him room — not just to figure himself out, but to decide what he actually wants. In the meantime, hold onto your own stability. Focus on what you need emotionally, not just what you hoped this relationship would become.

If he comes back asking to try again, make sure the terms are real this time: communication, commitment, and shared effort. Long distance only works if you both want to show up — not just when it’s convenient, but when it’s challenging.

Your peace matters just as much as how much you miss him.

[Tara]

For 2.5 years, you built a story around a woman who kept you at arm’s length the entire time. She dodged contact during trips, refused to share basic personal information, avoided gifts, avoided scheduling visits, and never once gave you an actual commitment. That isn’t a mystery. That’s disinterest wrapped in politeness.

You crossed the line by digging up her address didn’t “hurt her.” It confirmed what she already suspected: you’re far more invested in her than she ever intended, and now the situation feels intrusive. That’s why she went cold. That’s why she didn’t reply. She didn’t want confrontation. She wanted distance, and your escalating emotional intensity made that impossible.

Stop trying to salvage this with portraits, letters, explanations, or apologies. Every attempt you make now only reinforces why she pulled away in the first place. She doesn’t want romance, closure, or grand gestures. She wants you to disappear from her life quietly so she doesn’t have to spell it out.

You didn’t ruin some great love story. You misread signals because you were lonely and desperate for connection. You convinced yourself the crumbs she gave you were a feast. Now you’re scrambling for a final move that “won’t frighten or disgust her.” The answer is simple: stop contacting her permanently. That’s the only thing that will give her peace, and the only thing that will preserve what little dignity you have left.

[Sally]

I can hear how heartbroken you are, and how much of yourself you poured into this. But from the way she pulled back, the secrecy, the disappearing, the refusal to meet, the silence after real questions, it sounds like she checked out long before you realized it. And sending things to her home after she avoided giving you that address probably felt intrusive to her, even though your heart was in the right place.

You are not a bad man. You were just holding onto hope she did not share.
And no, sending the portrait will not fix this. It will only make her retreat more. The kindest thing you can do, for her and for yourself, is stop trying to reopen a door she has already closed.

Let this be the end of a chapter, not the whole story of your life. You cared deeply. That is not something to be ashamed of. Just breathe now. Let it go.

[Author]

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