[Missshellybelly]

I have never been so blindsided by love before. I had decided to be a single mother of two but choice and was not pursuing a relationship in the slightest. We met through a mutual friend at a bar of all places, he is intelligent, attractive and motivated. Honestly I wasn’t interested at first but he “knew” differently, he convinced me to exchange numbers. I strongly believed it would end there. Crazy enough he persisted and it has been absolutely amazing ever since. His family is wonderful and we’ve become incredibly close. Its been a fairly brief time only 9 months so far. We are both older much more mature, I’m about to turn 30 and he is a few years older. Important note… I’m six months pregnant. He has been extremely loving and attentive but when we talk about past relationships his overall demeanor changes when a specific ex comes up.

They ended the 6 year relationship several years ago, he goes back and forth on who ended things, I assume she did if he still has this strong of a connection. She is still single, beautiful, successful, and they have that history together. They debated on getting back together a year before I met him. Her choice but he didn’t want to ruin the memory or believe that he was successful enough for her. I know I don’t have that kind of history with him, in fact I’ve never had fond memories like that for any ex of mine. He already has plans for our future (moving in together, marriage, new home in the near future) and I feel like he is right on course with me. We are even working on improving our credit scores together, like a married couple. We do well together at everything so far as if we have known each other for a lifetime.

Still I am terribly worried that if he doesn’t clear the air and sit down with her to make sure that that chapter is completely ended, he will always have her in the back of his mind as a what-if instead of being fully committed to what we have. Maybe even leave a few years down the line, I don’t know. I do know If I confront him about it I could have one of two major outcomes. It really is over between them or they need to try again because they really are meant for each other and he leaves me. Even if it hurt I would feel a bit of relief knowing he is happy and I was not a consolation prize. I have always been self-reliant and independent, so I am not sure if I’m looking for a reason to push him away. We haven’t even had a fight yet. I’m not a jealous woman, I’m very confident and outgoing, but I can’t stand keeping this in the back of my mind.

I don’t know how to talk to him about this or what to do. We have been incredibly open and honest with each other about everything! Maybe this is just crazy pregnancy hormones. I’d rather deal with this before he moves in or we go any further. Should I ask him if he wants to reconnect with her or let him know that I feel a bit insecure about this so I need to know clearly that he is fully committed?

[AskApril Masini]

If you take a few steps back to get some perspective, I’m sure you’ll see that life isn’t neat. It’s messy. People color outside the lines. And relationships may end in divorce, but the love doesn’t die. In fact relationships end all the time, and just because they result in a break up, it doesn’t mean there are no feelings left. Sometimes those feelings last an entire lifetime in spite of a couple going on to marry others and lead happy lives with those others. Sometimes it’s over right away and sometimes it takes a specific, unique and individual time line to finish feelings. Your boyfriend has feelings for an ex — but he’s not with the ex, and he hasn’t been for an entire year. He’s with you. His feelings for her may or may not go away, but what’s more important is his behavior. You need someone who’s going to be mature and responsible in addition to loving and respectful and wanting to share mutual goals. If he’s done with his ex but will always have fond feelings for her — but he loves and respects you and wants a relationship with you, you’ve got a good thing. Don’t pick at a scab that’s healing. And don’t rush into this relationship with him. Slow down. Take your time. Take a lot of time. And make sure that before you move in together get married and raise a family together, you’ve really gotten to know him so that you can feel more certain that he’s had loves in his past, but you’re his Ms. Right. 😉

[Missshellybelly]

Wow, thank you! My thoughts have been running away from me and you really helped put it into perspective. That is the best and most insightful advice I could’ve received. I’m relieved, its easier having a clear view to go forward. So again, thank you!

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

[Member]

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