[niceguy2088]

Hello, so this is a little embarrassing but I am in a 8month relationship long distance never met in person relationship. We met in a chat room back in December and hit it off instantly. Since then we ve talked everyday for 8 months and usually Fall asleep together over the phone. She lives about 6 hours away and we ve wanted to meet but the past months have been incredibly hard for her. In January she was attacked viciously by her ex and had to leave the state for a while for her protection. After that she was having a very hard time dealing with the horrific event and kept pushing back our meeting. Her health started to become an issue in April they discovered she was in an early stage of ovarian cancer. Currently she is a week away from finishing chemo. As u can imagine its been a very long and hard few months. I love her, if that’s possible having never met. I feel a connection to her that I’ve never had with anyone, but there are a few things that I’m struggling with. Since her attack in tried over and over to find a way to visit her but she would never give me her address and something has always come up and I totally understand she is going through things I can’t even begin to comprehend. But I have sacrificed so much of my time and personal life to make myself available to her that it frustrates me when she does somethings.

when she left the state she had to stay with friends of her parents who happen to have a son my age 25 she is 30. She was be friended by this guy who started being overly nice to her . He had a gf and yet she was going over beyond just friendship level. I m not perfect and I got jealous that she enjoyed his attention and company and I felt he had less than innocent motives. She said she is oblivous to those things and said she only saw him as a friend and that she wanted me. I still didn’t trust him and to make matters worse one time we were being romantically intimate over the phone and he just walked in to tell her some to see her doing what she was doing. She told me she was really mad and upset and a day later he wanted to talk and she said he apologized and what not. He broke up with his gf and started acting out meanly towards my gf. Which bothered her a lot because she thought they were friends and she needed that because she was alone there. All that to say I never felt comfortable with him and I feel like she wasn’t being completely open about their friendship. I buried it down and didn’t want to bother with my pety jealousy because she was in such an emotional fragile state and I wanted to protect her. For months I did everything I could do from a far. I was always there to cheer her up,I would comfort her when she would have night mares about the attack and everyday I tried to remind her that she was special important and that just because this happened she wasn’t broken and that one day she would feel normal again and that I would stay by her side through all of it.

i have real trust issues and the thing i buried Down couldn’t stay there any more and i had to ask her things about while she was there. I found out that they hung out more than she let on while she was there up until he started being mean to her. I find out that he did in fact mention he had feelings for her before she came back home and apparently they talked in more detail about when she was back over the phone. I had asked her if he ever confessed his feeling or made a move pror to that she said no. So when i found out she had lied it tore me up. Because i started wondering what else is she keeping from me. She explained all she wanted and needed was friendship from him and its not her fault he read into that and wanted more. She said she didn’t tell me because it was stupid, she could handle it, she didn’t want to fight and she didn’t want me to question her feelings for me. She once told me that’s how she is ND that if a guy hits on her or say she is at bar with her gfs ND she is chatting with a guy just being friendly and he makes a move that she can handle and wouldn’t feel the need to tell me unless she knew i would found out about it. If I wouldn’t she would tell the guy no or to stop and never mention it to me. I feel like i have to have complete transparency between myself and my partner so it worries me when she has said things like that and then i find out she kept things from me. We talked a little more about it in detail and she took it as i don’t trust her, which is sorta true because i don’t feel like i can’t have complete trust with someone i haven’t met face to face yet. She then asked me if when we are together does that mean I’m going to want to go through her phone. I don’t want to ND don’t feel i would have any desire to unless something seemed suspicious. At the same time i don’t think it should ever be an issue if i just picked up and looked through it. I have nothing to hide and she could keep my phone for days Nd i wouldn’t worry about it. She said her momma told her if you go looking for something you re gonna find something you won’t like. Is this her hiding something or am i just out of line for feeling that after every thing i ve done and been there for her that she says that. She said her ex of 6 years controlled her and was abusive. He went through her phone and email nd find things from years ago that was before they were together and he wouldn’t let it go and she doesn’t want to deal with that again. I understand that to a degree but I’m not that guy and due to my past i feel that its a red flag, but you know women and men think different i guarantee that if my sister had a bf and he hid his phone and wouldn’t let her see it ever that he is hiding something for sure. But men and women do think differently and i love and adore her and i want to be fair to her if its just me being sensitive and over thinking.

i really don’t want to have her worry about anything else at the moment other than just getting through Chemo which is why i ve come here for some much needed advice and wisdom. I also want to just say real quick though she gets defensive and shuts down. She will almost always try Nd talk through things and has been very kind and understanding with my own insecurities and issues, its just we haven’t really agreed on this and tho we discuss it we never come to a solution. Mostly because i don’t want to upset her more and she has a very tough time communicating her feelings in the moment

so sorry this is so long but i really appreciate ant advice or helpful thoughts anyone can share with me. If its a real issue i wanna figure it out asap. And if its just my issue i really wanna work on it because i really do believe she deserves the best man possible.

ty again

niceguy.

[AskApril Masini]

Do you have a question for me? 😀

[niceguy2088]

Is it a sign for concern that she is willing to keep things from me to avoid fights and the whole not being able to look in her phone or am I in the wrong?

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]Is it a sign for concern that she is willing to keep things from me to avoid fights and the whole not being able to look in her phone or am I in the wrong?[/quote]

You shouldn’t go through her phone. Nobody would want you to go through their phone. And yes, it is a sign that you’ve got control issues if you want to go through someone’s phone.

I hope that helps!

[niceguy2088]

I didn’t say I wanted to. She said she didn’t want me too after I had to ask her to share what really went on with that guy. Afterwards I was like well wait why did u say that? Just for the sake of what would ve the big deal if I did which I didn’t plan on doing in the first place. Its probably just one of those things where I don’t think its a big deal but to someone else it is.

but I see your point about controlling things. I guess emotions and matters of the heart can be scary and we can try to take control of different things in order to try and calm ourselves which isn’t fair or right either.

I LL try and be better about that, but do you have any tips on communicating with a very independent, private woman who has a tough time expressing herself? I hope that doesn’t sound sexist because I’m genuinely wanting to learn better ways to communicate with her so she will feel safe and more willing to open up and trust me. I usually do a poor job at it and wait until something is really bugging me which turns naturally puts her on the defensive. I really don’t want it to be like that you know?

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]I LL try and be better about that, but do you have any tips on communicating with a very independent, private woman who has a tough time expressing herself? [/quote]

Ask her out on a date. Dating is a great way to communicate with each other and get to know each other. However…. if she won’t go on a date with you, especially after 8 months now, my advice is to move on and find someone who will. 😉 You can’t really expect to communicate with someone who doesn’t want to date you. 🙁

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