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April Masini.
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June 11, 2016 at 9:10 pm #7742
fatjoez
Participant[b]History[/b] [list][*]I’m 29, she’s 23[*]7 years dating on/off[*]Years 1-1.5 happy[*]Years 2-3 breakups & both got physical with other people[*]Year 4 another breakup – 9 months – During I was physical with a girl[*]Year 5-6 together trying – I wasn’t up/down – positive/negative, told her I didn’t want children anymore (deal breaker)[*]This year January: broke up[/list] [b]Asking her to try again[/b] [list][*][b]April[/b] : Sent long letter & flowers – “I’ve made mistakes, I want to be with you”[*]Met in person. Her: distant, asked for space, to date other guys to be sure.[*]Had lunch, talked casually, held her hand, arms around her for hours. By end of day she “didn’t want to leave”[/list] [b]Space[/b] [list][*]Next day started space[*]Weeks after: 2-3 romantic gestures (anniversary flowers) – talked 1-2 hours after each[*][b]May[/b] : She said past weeks felt nice like a relationship – but doesn’t want it right now.[*]Space no contact so she can date others without feeling guilty[*][b]June[/b] : Told her I’d visit end of month. She asked it to be casual[*]“No flowers, holding hands. Not ready to date you” – suppressing her emotions[*]“Lost confidence/trust in you, hurt by you”[*]“Need time & space to see other guys & decide” “How would you feel if I went on a date with someone else?”[*]“Not asking you to wait”[/list] What now? She has a lot of walls up. What do I say/act/do when we meet?
June 14, 2016 at 12:16 pm #34501April Masini
KeymasterSince she’s 23 years old, and you’ve been dating her since she was about 16 or 17, this is probably her first significant relationship. And because you report that the first year and a half of dating, was a happy time — but the next five years were off and on — it sounds like this is a relationship that was mostly problematic. You haven’t talked about why there were so many break ups or indiscretions during the five years, but something kept driving the two of you apart. If you want to win her over — you have to really focus on what it was that has been keeping you apart for five years. The problem may lie in her simply wanting more experience before feeling committed. That doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong. It’s just an incompatibility in what you both want at this particular moment in time. But if that’s not it, the key is going to lie in why the two of you kept splitting up and going off with others for five years. I hope that helps.
🙂 June 14, 2016 at 9:23 pm #34515ParticipantThanks! Answers below, hope you can give more wisdom. Our fights/breakups were because we kept arguing over small, silly things. Immaturity
Her personality has been very sensitive, complaining & negative & mine became very distant/emotionally off.[b]Year 2[/b] Long distance. She got depressed left & hooked up with a guy. Apologized & we got back together[b]Year 3[/b] Moved back. She left 2 months in “were ok but I’m too young for a serious relationship”
Hooked up same guy again & another. 1 month later we back together
The hurt & her personality made me switch off
I kissed a girl she begged me to stay, I did but fights continued
End of year verbally flirted with her friend, she got over itYear 4,5,6: She was trying 100%, I wasn’t
Year 6 start year I kissed a girl (drunk mistake didn’t tell her)
Mid year split, she went on date & kissed a guy. Got back together.Year 7 January split over fights + I didn’t want kids (dealbreaker)
Did months reflection, realized my mistakes & changed on children
Met her, explained everything, declared love & told her about kissing girl 1 year ago.
Spent day together was okay but she asked for space.3/4 phone calls/chat conversations & some romantic gestures like flowers since then.
All has been positive & she says she feels huge change in me but…June 16, 2016 at 11:44 am #34516KeymasterGood luck! If you have any other questions, you’re welcome to ask them here. June 16, 2016 at 5:53 pm #34536ParticipantThanks April, could you tell me from a womans perspective * Is there anything worth telling her aside from supporting her decision to date others?
She doesn’t seem to want to hear anything about the potential for us to make it work.
Is “playing it cool” the best approach here?* Despite saying she wants to date others, she asked me a few blunt questions and I’m wondering what her motive is?
“What is your passion in life”
“Why do you even want to be with me”Is this her trying to clarify her confusion or look for a logical reason to give up on us?
June 20, 2016 at 11:03 am #34559KeymasterIf you want to win her back, I don’t think you should encourage her to date other people or wish her luck in doing so. 😕 It’s not really an honest response on your part, and because the two of you have so many years of discord, it seems like it’s going to be used against you down the line. And as for the questions she’s asking you, they seem more like questions to provoke arguments than questions asked by someone who really wants to get to know you. Since you’ve been dating for so long, she knows your passion in life by now — she’s just trying to show you have none by asking a question like that.😳 It really doesn’t seem like the two of you have a future together that is healthy and happy — most of your relationship has been fighting and getting back together and fighting and getting back together. This might be a great opportunity for you to move on and find someone new with whom you are more compatible.
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