8 years over?

Hi. I have an issue going on that I need some guidance on. It is rather complicated, so i will try and give as many details as possible. I appreciate any suggestions anyone might have.

In june I would have been with my girlfriend for 8 years. We moved in together in Feb. of 08, and around the same time I started my own practice (I am an attorney). It was a good time in my life to take my chance at the dream i have had since i entered law school 11 years ago. I was moving to a new area and had a place to have a home office.

In august of 08 my girlfriend was seriously injured in a car accident while at work. She needed 24/7 care for a few months and someone to drive her to doctors/physical therapy nearly daily for almost a year. She had two surgeries, and she is still not better (may never be totally). She is still out of work, though is expecting to return light duty in May for the first time.

It was me that took care of her during this time (with little help from her family – they only helped when she specifically asked). She really has only been self sufficient for a few months now. Because of the time spent helping her (and not focused on the new business) and maybe partly because of the bad economy, my business has been slow to take off. I am surviving but i am not necessarily excelling. I am certainly not making what I would if i worked at a firm somewhere. However, this is what i want from life, believe in myself that i can make it successful and the signs are there that I am right.

Feb. 10′ was my worst month since i started and I had trouble meeting my household bills. I asked her for some money help (since they are really our bills – we live together). She did pay the couple of bills i couldn’t but she exploded on me and it deteriorated our relationship. She told me she wanted me to find a job in a firm and to get a part time job in the meantime. Now, she has plenty of money on her own and can pay the bills easily without my contribution, so it is not like we were having trouble putting food on the table or paying the mortgage.

I decided I would try and get a part time job IF i could find something that helped my career and didn’t mean i had to give up my practice, ie. a part time of counsel position somewhere. I also told her that I would give myself one more year and if i didn’t gross a certain # (i won’t say what that # is, but it is a reasonable jump form this year AND it would be enough to go from surviving to making something worthwhile.) i would look for full time in a firm and give up my pursuit of my own practice. I believed this was a reasonable compromise. Apparently she doesn’t agree and we continued fighting.

eventually it got so bad that she asked me to leave. I moved to a friend’s house about three weeks ago. Since then we have talked a lot about everything. sometime I end the conversation thinking we will work through things and sometimes i feel that it really is over. I love her, that I do not question. she say she loves me, but i am starting to question it.

Last night we talked again. I told her I was starting to look for an apartment, because i did not want to wear out my welcome at my friend’s house (really i don’t know what i would have done if he hadn’t put me up these past few weeks.) She again told me that she loved me and wanted to work things out. I told her I did also, but I couldn’t see how we could do that if i wasn’t living there AND i couldn’t wait until i found a part time position somewhere because that would indicate to me that she put the money ahead of our love and ahead of valuing me for who i am. I told her that everyday i am taking steps to move on because i know that it will be very hard to get over her. i told her that of i find a place to live, a new place to call home – she would have lost me forever because that would be my sign to turn the page. She has already cost me the opportunity to run for very local office because the deadline to pick up a petition is today and since i don’t know if i will be living in the district, i can’t run.

For her part, her answer was – she didn’t know what to do. I feel that either she loves me or she doesn’t and it shouldn’t be a hard choice. I feel that I should have proven myself to her when i took care of her all those months. Her family thinks i am a saint for what i did (i am even the godfather to her niece). It really affected every part of life but i stuck by here because i loved her. I even accepted that sex wasn’t going to be a part of my life for a while because of her injuries (esp. her hip injury) – and i don’t think you will get a lot of guys in the early 30s to accept that. also, we probably would have gotten engaged during the last two years had she not been hurt – as that was the original plan (i’m not afraid of commitment). we also don’t know if she can have kids because of the stress it will put on her hip, and although i would love a family I told her it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me because i would rather be with her than someone else that could have kids.

So I don’t know what to do now. Am i right to start moving on? to not want to give up my career dreams? to question whether she truly loves me? i want to keep the window open to repair things, but if she waits too long and money is no longer an issue for me i will never feel she chose me over the money.

thanks for reading. i know that was long.