[calidrew]

I will try to keep this short, but this is not a simple story and it is important that whoever reads this knows the facts. Before I get to my current problem, I need to give you the background of the relationship I am currently in. I’ve been with my girlfriend (let’s call her C), going on three years. We are both in our late 20’s, attractive, smart, good jobs, no kids, 1 dog and have been living with each other for a year and a half. We are finally in a good place in our life and have been gradually planning on a more serious future (marriage, children etc). Getting to this point has been no easy task however. Not long after I started to date C, she told me that she had Vulvar Vestibulitis, which is essentially a constant inflammation of the glands located in the vaginal opening. This makes sex extremely painful and impossible for some women. C had never had sex and even though I am a sexually experienced man, I liked her enough that her condition wasn’t going to stop me from dating her. I did have one condition though. As long as she was seeking treatment to improve her problem, I would be there for her. She did indeed seek treatment and everything went well for a time, but eventually she started to slack off. To make matters worse, as I got to know her better, I became aware of her other problems; generalized anxiety (she was taking medication for), depression (she would not admit) and her parents sheltered her too much from the realities of life making her a relatively naïve person in the ways of the world. All of these problems made for a very difficult time in our relationship. Over the course of months, she sought help for her problems and improved. But, every step of the way was met with resistance on her part. It took many arguments just to get her to seek help. It was horrible how bad things were at times. It took a lot out of me and my love for her suffered. I don’t give up easily though and she was improving, albeit slowly. At present, we are doing rather well, but the love I once had for her has dwindled and now I feel as if our relationship is more like a business partnership. C has finally started to take responsibility for her problems and therefore she is improving, but I feel as if it has cost us our relationship. I am comfortable and content, but is that enough in a relationship. We are different people, there is no doubt about that, but we do share common interests. I have to admit that I wish that we did share more common interests though. I love her, but am no longer in love… which leads me to my current dilemma, which naturally involves another woman.
I met C’s friend “L” a couple of years ago. They aren’t close friends though and it could be said that aside from going to college together, they are more like acquaintances…but, L is good friends with a lot of my girlfriend’s good friends, so I bump into L every so often. When I first met her, L was in a long term relationship, and we never got a chance to talk that much, but after a while, L and her boyfriend split up. They had bought a house together and I got the impression that they had stayed together longer than they should have because of their shared responsibility. Last year, my girlfriend and a group of our friends hung out and L and I really hit it off. I could tell that we were mutually attracted to each other and after talking to her for a while, I found out that we had a lot of common interests… but, I was in a relationship and I still felt as if my girlfriend and I could get through our problems. As more time passed, we all hung out a few more times and I got to know L a little bit better. It became increasingly clearer that we were the same kind of person and we were definitely attracted to one another. Recently I found out that L was moving soon to another country very far away for a year and there isn’t a guarantee that she will be moving back to where we currently live. Next Saturday will be the last time that I see her. Like I said earlier, my girlfriend and I live together and we share a relatively small amount of debt, under $5000, which will be paid off in the next few months. I am pretty sure that our relationship is not going to last even though she is improving and before we split, I will make sure that our loose ends are taken care of, but I don’t know what to do about L. I know that it is never appropriate to cultivate any sort of relationship with another person when you are currently in a relationship, but I can’t help feeling as if there will never be an appropriate time to let L know how I feel. Obviously time is of the essence since she is moving soon, but I don’t know what to do. Honestly, this isn’t mainly about swaying L’s future plans. I wish her well on her new adventure, but I can’t help but wonder what could happen if I do let her know how I feel. Maybe in a year she will move back here and we could try something out. I can’t see my current relationship lasting another year. Would it be wrong of me to let L know how I feel and maintain a “friendship” while she is away and while I am in my current relationship? Should I let this go and not look back? I feel like an absolute jerk right now even though I haven’t done anything wrong as of yet. What can I do about this without looking back and regretting something? I apologize for making this so long, but I felt it was important for you to understand my complete situation. Thanks for the advice that anyone has.

[April Masini]

Your problem is that you’re not in love with your girlfriend, and you’re not interested in making the relationship work any more. For you, it’s run it’s course. The problem is that you’re still in it.

Your friend, L, isn’t the answer. Your freedom is. Staying in your current relationship in order to “tie up loose ends” like the debt you and your girlfriend have acquired together, isn’t necessarily a good idea at this point. When you’re ready to move on, the longer you don’t move on, the more complicated things get.

Unravelling a relationship is uncomfortable and often messy because someone has to move out, the furniture gets split up, the dog goes to one or another of you, and there are usually intense feelings of anger on at least one of the couples’ parts — in this case your girlfriend will probably feel angry, devastated, and a million other feelings. She may act out. You may act out, and all of this keeps the unravelling of your home from progressing gracefully — but…it has to be done. If you feel guilty about breaking up with your girlfriend then do something that will alleviate that guilt — like taking on the entire mutual debt rather than holding her responsible — or giving her the dog or something that makes you feel like you’ve taken the high road in ending things.

If you do break up this week, then you’re going to feel an enormous sense of relief and freedom about exploring a relationship with L — and other women. L is not the beginning or the end of your current problem. She’s just a reminder that you’re not happy in your current relationship and that there are other women out there with whom you are more compatible. And next time around, don’t jump into a relationship before really getting to know a woman a lot better than you did your current girlfriend.

I know that this is going to be a difficult holiday season for you, but focus on the biggest picture you can muster up: extricating yourself from a relationship you are done with has to be your main priority. Moving on with L or any other women is secondary.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and good luck! You can do this. 🙂

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