About to give up on "The One"… Need help.

[thedealfromparkhill]

I am a complete mess over this situation… Let me set up the situation here… First off, I have known her for just over ten years. She is an amazing woman and we had been close for the first 4-5 years (as far as being in an exclusive relationship) then after college we still were very very close, just did not “together” we had a lot going on with life that we were catching up on… We have always maintained in touch and have talked regularly… We have went on trips and whenever we are together it is always like we are “a couple”… Everyone that knows us considers us together even though we havent technically been for around 5-6 years…

Now, the story with her… She is the most beautiful woman in the world… very very religious, as a matter of fact, a prime reason we have not been “together” officially was because of me not being as religious as her… Strong faith, very good girl. Comes from a very strong background… the whole 10… She is against sex until marriage, however we have a few times in the past… Out of respect for her, i never push the issue and understand where she is coming from… However, we do in-gauge in other activities other than intercourse…

Now, the story of the past year and a half… around sept of ’08 we saw eachother at a friends wedding and were acting like we were together… after that night we became very distant… I became frustrated with our situation… (this is the girl up until this point i was 110% sure I wanted to marry) around march of 09 (we hadnt seen eachother since the wedding) i wrote her a letter explaining how our relationship/lack there of was killing me… I wanted her permanently in my life… She still lives at home on her farm with her folks taking care of animals as well as working a full time job… ontop of that we do live about an hour apart… I didnt really get much of a change from her… and we became more distant… we would keep in touch never going longer than a week w/o talking/texting… but nothing too seriuos… time kept passing and finally the summer had arrived and we started talking more.. we went on a few trips over the summer to the lake and had a great time… (still acting like everything is perfect when we are together) … mid summer her grandma (who she is very very close to became very ill and she had to basically take her in… our relationship became strained again and as of a few weeks ago her grandma just passed and I hadnt seen her until new years…

Lastly, the issue… we had been talking more and more over the past month (however, havent seen eachother since summer) I asked her if she wanted to get together for new years… she did and made the point to come to my house (which was rare) so we had some wine and went out… The night was going perfect… talks of marriage, kids and everything I had wanted… so middle of dinner comes and she asks if there is anything that I have kept from her because i know it would hurt her… I replied with nothing… (there was an issue about 6-7 years ago when we were apart for a few months were I had slept with someone else… a few months after it happened i did admit it to her…) she went on and said there had been something that she needed to tell me… she had said that she got intoxiated one night and slept with one of her friends from High school (she was a virgin before me, and was completely against sex before marriage…) now coming from her, this was like a gunshot to the head… she was always against sex, she never parties and is the last person that this would ever come from… now, she had said that she was taken advantage of and put in a situation that she did not want to be in after she started drinking… she said she hates the man that did this and never wants to see him ever again… I know him and I know of what kind of person he is… I can say i think that the man took advantage of the situation…but she wasnt against it at all (i have been around her when she is drinking, which is beyond rare) ** the date of this was around april/may… our first trip to the lake was the middle of june…

So, the aftermath… after I was crushed, and took a day to think about what i need to do… this girl has always been in my mind as my future wife and the mother of my kids… this is the worst thing I have ever heard… after calming down that night and talking to her face to face the next night i wanted answers… she says she does feel like it is cheating on me… also, i can tell that she is sickened by the act… she cant even look me in the eye without crying or tearing and i can feel that she has remorse when i look her in the eyes… the reason for even going out with this friend was because she was lonely… she also said that they had talked roughly a month before the event and nothing had happened before or after… she also says she hasnt spoke with him since… she now wants to be with me forever and has said so repeatedly… also, wants us to work, as do I… but I cant get past this… I think about it day and night… every minute of my day is filled with these thoughts… I feel betrayed… I am beyond lost as for how I am supposed to feel, react, move past this and how I need to look at the relationship that she wants to have moving forward with me… any help would be so appreciated… I cant get this pit of disgust out of my stomach

[April Masini]

Forgiveness is a difficult road to take, but that’s the path I suggest for you.

Your friend sounds truly remorseful as well as relieved to have gotten the truth out to you. It sounds like you’ve both cheated on each other once, and at the risk of sounding crude (forgive me!) she leveled the playing field with this indiscretion, since you’ve cheated on her once many years ago. Both of you now have similar strong feelings for each other with the exception of this admission of hers. There’s a lot here that is good.

That said, to be fair, your feelings are justified. Many men would not be able to get past what she did — regardless of whether or not they should or shouldn’t. Betrayal is a tough challenge and the circumstances are crucial.

My reason for suggesting you search for forgiveness in your heart is because it doesn’t sound like you have ever given her a real relationship commitment. To expect her not to date or experiment was unfair. Especially since where she lives is remote, she works hard, and felt lonely. Your talking to her once a week isn’t the stuff of a committed relationship between adults. You’ve been with her off and on for a decade now, and although the last five to six years since you both graduated from college have been more off and on than exclusive, her being with someone else was not really as bad as you may think it is. She didn’t cheat on her fiance. She didn’t cheat on her husband. She cheated on a guy she’s been dating off and on for ten years, who hasn’t made a commitment to her, and who once cheated on her. If you try and look at it from her point of view, she was just experimenting, seeing what was out there, and wasn’t intending to hurt you.

If you are able to forgive her, then this is the time to step the relationship up and decide whether or not you want to marry her. If the answer is yes, then do it. If it’s no, then you should realistically understand that she is free be the woman she is. To expect otherwise is wishful thinking, and unrealistic.

[thedealfromparkhill]

I think that is what I needed to hear. I appreciate your assistance and words of wisdom very much. I will take your advice and treat 2010 as a fresh positive start.

[katdawg]

if she is the one why would you give up on her? there is someone that means so much to you that you want to spend the rest of your life with and have children with and you want to give up on her? i agree with April. I didn’t read that the two of you were in an exclusive relationship nor did you say she was your girlfriend. move forward and don’t look back. take the lesson from it and make up for lost time. you can’t continue to resent her for something she did when you didn’t man up and profess. it would be a different story if the two of you have communicated exclusivity but i didn’t see that in your story.

[April Masini]

I’m glad I was able to help. You sound like although you’re hurt, you’re mature enough to know what you have to do and I think you have “the chops” to do it. Good luck — and let me know how things go. 🙂

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