[relationshipa1]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, and have known each other for 3 years. We have a one year old daughter together. We work at the same restaurant and work opposite schedules because we can’t afford daycare. It very hard for us to have time together. My boyfriend is very outgoing and is considered a flirt. There is a particular girl at work who I’m not thrilled he hangs out with. My boyfriend is a drinker and goes out once a week and also brings people home to drink with. About 5 months ago I caught him in a lie. he claimed he was going to hang out with some friends form high school and instead went to hang out with this girl and her friend, who we also work with. When I confronted him on it, he said he only lied because he knew I would be upset. He still hangs out with her and she is always friendly to me, but I just don’t trust her. He knows I’m not keen on their friendship, but continues to hang out with her. We’ve been working on trust issues since then. I know he’s not cheating on me, but I feel that it is disrespectful that he continues to be friends with her. I know I cannot tell him who he can be friends with and who he cannot, so I just try and trust him and hope that one day she will get another job and go away. It just seems like every time she is around I am not even important. Just this week he took the car to get serviced, which took six hours. He said he walked around the mall and just hung out, but something was telling me he wasn’t telling me the whole story. I’m not proud to say it, but I checked his text messages. My boyfriend has always told me that he has nothing to hide and that if I want to look through his phone I could, but I’ve always felt that was a violation of his privacy and that it was wrong. Unfortunately, I found out that he had lunch with her on the day he got his car serviced and has planned it the day before. Then invited her to our house two nights in a row. He is having drink tonight after work with her and two other guys we work with. I’ve always told him to just be honest with me because if he isn’t and I find out later then I would just be even more upset. I know I have to bring this up to him, but I want to be able to move on and regain the trust we had before. I feel like we just keep having the same fight over and over. He also feels the same way. is there anything I can say or do to get off this merry go round we are on? Because we both really want to make this work. Help!

[April Masini]

Your boyfriend is giving you reasons to mistrust him, so don’t beat yourself up for “mistrust issues” you have. 😕 Unfortunately he doesn’t respect you enough to put your fidelity concerns about his own, and frankly — this other woman is not the one you need to mistrust. It’s your boyfriend. Not her.

Since you’ve already told him your feelings, and he ignores them, then there are only two other options I think may work. The first option is a compromise. If he is truly only interested in her friendship, perhaps he would be interested in cutting a deal in your relationship where he only sees her when you’re present. So if she wants to come by the house, it needs to be when you’re there. Or if he wants to have lunch with her, you’d be there, too. It’s not a great compromise, because ideally, he cares about you enough to not spend time with another woman, but because you’re trying to hang onto your family unit (since you have a child), try this and see if it works.

My deeper suspicion is that he’s wanting out of your relationship and cheating on you is his way of doing that. It’s messy, and it’s cowardly, but that’s the picture you’ve painted. If what I’ve just written is true, the way to get off the merry go round is for you to step off. I know it’s not a choice you want to make, but do remember you’re not a victim. You have choices in life, as does your boyfriend. Don’t default to victim status.

I hope this helps — let me know how things go.

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