advice needed

[cherryscented]

Hi Guys,

It’s been a while since i’ve been with someone, or even met someone that i’ve had an interest in…

But 2 weeks ago, outta the blue, i’m at a works do and I get chatting to a guy I knew already. We end up going back to a friends house and we end up on the sofa together chatting for hours, in our own little world listening to music and forgetting about the rest of the party, next thing i know i go to the bathroom and when i come out i get grabbed and i’m being kissed.. and it was good. party goes on and we carry on chatting and spending time together, dawn breaks and we borrow a bedroom and had a bit of a kiss and cuddle and fooled around abit (but didn’t go the whole hog) then went to sleep.

Next morning we got up, he bought me breakfast and then we carried on drinking – the whole morning he was telling me how lucky i was to even after a heavy night, look so good. i had some shopping to do so went to make my excuses and leave but he wouldn’t let me and insisted on coming with me – including carrying all my bags. he then insists that we go for one more drink and after every one, i try to leave he doesn’t let me… it comes to 5:30pm and i have plans for the evening, he asks if he can come, i check with my friends and say yes but point out to him that he’d have to wait around for a while cause he couldn’t come back to mine while i get ready (awkward housemate doesn’t like people here without being introduced and he lives a train ride away). Next thing he goes to the bathroom and comes back moody, i go to kiss him good bye and its just a peck and he goes. at this point we’d already arranged to go out next weekend.

Cut to 4am – we have a long drunken chat on the phone (he called me), he tells me he was upset cause he thought i didn’t want him to come – which i did – i explain this and he seems re-assured.

I’m now off for a week and hear nothing so I text him 2 days later and don’t get a reply for another day, i reply, friendly and chatty and ask what we’re doing on sat and he bails with the ‘i can’t afford it’ excuse – which is fair enough – i’m skint too – we both have rubbish jobs.

Cut to work the following week and still nothing… just little chats on breaks but nothing more. no texts, no calls… nothing. I didn’t want to contact him first again for fear of coming across over eager and desperate.

Now we’re both going to a music festival this week and on the night/day we spent together he kept talking about how nice it’ll be to spend time together and how we’re going to see this band and that band and we’ll do this and do that. how he’ll camp nearby and jokes about how he’ll be staying in my tent.

But since that weekend together, he’s been nothing but cold towards anything more and I’m just confused.

I don’t know what to do at the festival – should i make a move? should i wait for him? do i ask him what all the weird behaviour is about and why so hot and cold? or do i simply say ‘i’m feeling a thing, thought you mighta been when we spent all that time together, if you don’t that’s fine – if you do brill..’

Stuck and confused about how he feels and what to do and if i should do anything, been outta the game too long so please help 🙁

[cherryscented]

anyone?

[April Masini]

First of all, you shouldn’t call him or invite him anywhere. If he’s interested, he’ll call you. Don’t chase him. You need to be the one who is the prize that he wants enough to chase. If you don’t let that dynamic happen, and you start chasing him, even by just calling him, you’re going to be consistently confused and you’ll take away the opportunity for him to be the man in the relationship. So as much as you want to, don’t call him.

Second, you don’t have to be confused about his feelings. If he wants to see you, he’ll act like it. If he doesn’t he won’t. It should be really clear. When he calls, he’s interested. When he doesn’t, he’s not. It’s really that simple.

Third, and most important, it sure sounds like the two of you have been hooking up while doing a lot of drinking. People who are under the influence of that much alcohol are going to act differently when they’re drunk than when they’re sober, so if you’re confused by his behavior, you should try and understand that alcohol makes people do and say things they wouldn’t, normally.

If you do get together again, see if you can get together without alcohol — even if it’s just for lunch or coffee. If the only way and times you two can be together is when you’re both drinking, it may not be a relationship that can endure the long run. If you both don’t have alcohol issues, drinking while dating is fine and fun, but try to balance the dates where you’re drinking with him and the dates where you’re not drinking together. You’ll get to know each other and learn more about each other and yourself if you balance the drinking with the non-drinking dates.

[optimistvik]

Yeah this is very good suggestion one should not go behind anyone too much more you will chase more he will go far. So don’t chase too much.

[cherryscented]

Thanks April, you’re completely right… I think I just needed to hear it from someone impartial – since that initial text I sent I haven’t contacted him and have still heard nothing outside of chatting briefly on our breaks, with lots of people around, which speaks for itself.

The reason I was confused was because neither of us were particularly drunk the next day, we were sober when we woke up together and compliments flowed out of him them too. Neither of us have issues with alcohol, think we were just caught in the moment and enjoying it and decided to carry on the party alone. Also when I have seen him in work, he beams and has a huge grin everytime we run into each other.

I’ve also found out since that he has a reputation for being really hot and cold, and letting the women do all the work which isn’t what I’m looking for. And I’m certainly not playing up to his ego as I think this is why he does that!

I’m not going to contact him while we’re both away – if he wants me he knows how to find me!

Thanks for your help.

[April Masini]

Let me know how things are going for you…. 😀

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