[relationshipa1]

I’ve been in a long distance relationship (100 miles) for 5.5 years until November 2008. My ex and I went on a break (still in a relationship) for an entire month in October 2008. We decided to meet up in November to reconcile, but everything seemed different that day. He was acting distant and beating around bush about how he felt about me. 2 days later, we officially broke up on a mutual agreement though were still in love, but probably not enough to continue the relationship. I later found out he started seeing someone on Halloween over a week prior to our meet up while we were still together. I was basically cheated on. He immediately got into a relationship a week after our break up. He did not know I was aware of his new relationship with someone. I was feeling hurt of course. I tried to move on and tried to forget him. I began dating other men, but no one compares. By Christmas, he called me one day and started flirting with me. He tried to get me to tell him that I missed him. He would tell me he misses me. This is the only time I spoke to him on the phone. I finally told him I knew of his relationship and i did not want to be the girl on the side. He knows I’m not like that. I’m purely innocent. I could not go on speaking to him anymore until mid January 2009, he called my parents to ask if he could come visit, but they did not let him until he got a hold of me first. I agreed and we hung out with my friends and family. He would flirt with me, we kissed, hugged a lot. It was wonderful. during that time, I asked him if he was seeing anyone and he said he wasn’t. I believed him until February 2009 when we spent Valentine’s day (saturday) together. He told me he had to work the next day so he had to leave that night. Sunday morning I woke up, got curious, and I remembered his password for his e-mail and saw a msg from the flower bouquet delivery service that he sent me on V-day. I found out that it was another receipt for a different set of bouquet for another person and it was for his gf that he had been seeing since we broke up. I also saw dinner reservations for them on Sunday evening. He lied to me about not seeing anyone. He made me believe that our relationship was going to progress. I was very hurt, so I called him and made him explain himself. He told me that he was going to have dinner with her but afte rhe saw me, he didn’t want to anymore. So he told me that he was going to talk to her as soon as he gets out of work to end things and then drive over here to see me to tell me how his confrontation with her went. He only stayed for an hour and mentioned nothing about her. it was odd because he usually stays with me as long as he can even past midnight when he has work the next day, but this time he didn’t and I wasn’t aware of this at the time. I gave him a ring he gave me for our 2 year anniversary. The band says my name in Hawaiian. It was to remind him of everything we went through and to help him figure out what he really wants from me. Things were finally picking up between us since then. He’s been wearing my ring on his pinky finger everyday. He would come see me every weekend like old times/ the usual. Then at the end of March 2009, he finally opens up to me. He leaves me with a disclaimed that whatever happens, he will always love me and that he’s sorry. I was so worried and therefore prepared myself for the worst. He takes me to a park to talk to me. He says that he has been lying to me the whole time. On weekdays he would go see his gf. He admitted that he disrespected me and took me for granted. If i wanted, i could’ve treated the situation as the closure i needed from the beginning. But i couldn’t. I was prepared and didn’t cry much. I was just listening and analyzing what I should do. He told me he had to clean the slate and start over. He was finally going to end things with her for good. He said that she mentioned killing herself if he leaves her so it’s difficult to make her understand. I find that she immature for her age. She is the same age as my ex, 27. I’m only 23. Though I’m not financially stable, I have my head together. That night, he asked me if he can still call and visit me but i agreed to only occasionally. He told me that he will miss me and he sees me in his future.

2 weeks later, In April 2009, I get a friendly call from him. Things go well and we act as friends. I was expecting a longer break from him but I guess soon was enough for him. Mid April, he decides to come by and visit and eventually comes every weekend since then. I’m thinking our relationship is progressing slowly but positively except all the trust is gone. It’s very difficult for me to trust him and not get paranoid about every single thing he does. I still love him to death. I wish I could get over this heavy feeling. At the end of July we go on a 7 hour roadtrip to Los Angeles with my sis and friends for a few days. On the first night, he takes a nap after the drive while i watch tv. I decided to charge his phone and got curious since he’s always reminding me that he has nothing to hide. I went through his email and saw a couple msgs between him and his now ex-gf. it was confirmed that he ended their relationship, but he would still tell her that he likes her. I read more than I should’ve and it hurt me. later that day while we were getting ready to go out for dinner, he noticed that I was acting distant and strange around him. I began to cry and he asked me what was wrong. I explained what I had done earlier and how I’ve been feeling the whole entire time since he came back into my life. I remember him telling me, “I don’t want to think about the BAD past. I’m here because I want to spend time with you.” I tried not to bring up his past for the entire trip, but had a few short slips here and there.

Now, it’s October, exactly a year since everything went downhill the first time. I’m still trying to trust him though it’s really hard. It’s a struggle everyday. Other than that, things seem to be going smoothly for 6 months. I haven’t mentioned his past since the trip. But it kills me to suppress the feelings and thoughts I’ve had from the start. I guess some things have been forgotten and for a good reason. We’ve been acting like a couple though we aren’t officially. I realized that it’s unfair for me to give my all to someone who doesn’t see this worthy of a real relationship. Maybe I’m expecting so much so soon? I wrote him a letter about our current situation and the past that i want to forget. I gave him the letter 2 weeks ago which he hasn’t mentioned at all since, but I was expecting him to bring it up so that we can talk about everything that has been bothering me especially the past just this once and it’ll be the last. I understand how he doesn’t want to bring up the past he dreads so much, but what about me? For these 2 weeks, he’s been acting distant since I gave him the letter. He doesn’t call me everyday anymore. I’m beginning to think that writing him that letter was a bad idea. There was no other way for me to bring it up to him without a fight. I just want this to be over. I want to be on my way repair the trust that was lost. I was everything to be fixed. But I’m so confused with what he wants. He seems hot and cold…

P.s. could it possibly be because it’s his birthday today, and he’s celebrating it this weekend with my sister since they have the same birthday. then the week after, we’re suppose have a 2nd round of celebrating with my family at a music festival. Then 2 weeks later is my birthday which he can’t wait to give me my present. Then we’re spending halloween together. could it be because he doesn’t want to ruin all of this? If he waits until November, I’ll be led on again and I’m tired of that. What could he be up to? I’m so lost with where are relationship is heading… especially now that he’s acting very distant. I probably wont even hear from him until weekends when we’re spending time together. I’m so lost, I don’t know why he’s acting like this…

advice on any aspect of my situation would be greatly appreciated.

[April Masini]

Your question title is: After 5 years of love and pain, what does he want?

Wrong question!!

What do [b]you[/b] want?

You’re wasting time and energy on a man who doesn’t value you enough to make you his wife, let alone be in contact when you’re not physically together, and has a past where he’s cheated on you and lied to you. He’s not Mr. Right.

Your feelings are confusing you. If you just look at his behavior, and yours, you’ll see that he’s not the one for you.

Stop putting the focus on him, his feelings, his behavior, his needs. You’re going to make the entire relationship revolve around him, and that’s not healthy. He doesn’t care about you enough to put you first, and until you accept that, you’re going to stay in this love and pain cycle.

So, put the focus on you. Make sure that you figure out what you want for yourself in a man, a relationship and the rest of your life. Frankly, five years of your loyalty without a ring and a wedding date in exchange is bogus! Wake up and smell the coffee. He’s not Mr. Right.

I know you’re having trouble getting out of this relationship, but there’s no easy way, and the longer you wait, the harder it will be. Break up with him now. Forget all the plans you have with him, your family and your friends. Make this time in your life about you! Get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, at this link[url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], and start reading it immediately, chapter by chapter, today. It will help guide you into the light and out of the dark cloud you’re under.

Surround yourself with family and friends who support your health and your success in romance and dating, and take good care of you while you’re in this transition. Eat well, sleep well, exercise, wear makeup, dress nicely, and throw yourself into your career, your hobbies and any new ventures you always wanted to check out, but never did. This is the time to make you the deserving star of your own show.

I know that you can do this — I can hear that you want it, you just need a push. Well, I’m pushing! 😀

Let me know how it goes — and good luck.

[Author]

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