Am I CRAZY???

[JMP1369]

Here is the situation I have been in a relationship for a year with this girl and her daughter who now calls me Dad. Which is fantastic, what I want, and I play the role accordingly. The problem is we live in PA. and she wants to go visit the ex-boyfriends parents in Texas, also where the ex lives. She was with her ex for about two years and became very found of there parents, referring to the mom as a friend. The ex’s parents care a lot for the child as well who is now 5 years old. The problem is I am uncomfortable with the whole thing. Just the fact that there both going to be close to the ex number one. Number two I feel as though the child shouldn’t be placed back into a situation for even a short period of time ( a weekend ) in which she was torn apart from. When my girlfriend first presented the situation I expressed my extreme discomfort with them going down there in a serious manor. Then she asked what if they came up to PA to visit. To which I replied I don’t have a problem with. I thought the problem passed and she would have them come up only to here from her that the parents are paying for the plain fair for the both of them, and that they are going. Am I being crazy, or showing a lack of trust? I do trust this girl with everything, she has distinguished any signs of distrust at any point and time. She is a great girlfriend, mom, and person, but I am very uncomfortable with the whole thing for the reasons presented above. I feel as though she doesn’t care enough about my feelings in order to put me in this situation. A situation I would never dream of putting her in! Please comment! I need help ASAP!!!

[JMP1369]

Anything would be helfull!!!

[Smokey]

Sounds to me you’re really insecure that your gf is in contact with her ex, right?
Is there anything she’s said or done that would make you uncomfortable with the ex? Or is it simply because they had history? If not…then, you gotta just trust her and don’t over-analyze this thing to death, otherwise it’s only gonna get worst.

And i know that you’d already said, if you were her, you wouldn’t do that. But everyone’s expectations are just different.

All you can do, is let your gf understand how this situation upsets you. If she’s not willing to compromise (if she really cares, she would as least try to make it work), then you gotta really ask yourself if YOU could live with it. Because you can’t change someone else, if they DON’T want to change.

Hope this helps.

[April Masini]

It seems that you’ve posted a form of this question twice, and I’ve answered it in length under your heading: Need a Mediator, so you can click on that question to see my in depth answer.

In short, you have a right to your feelings, but you don’t have any standing in the relationship since you’re just the boyfriend. If you get engaged or marry this woman, then it would make sense that she shouldn’t visit her ex boyfriend’s parents and possibly see him, too, on the trip. But she has every right to play the field, just as you do.

And I’d suggest you come up with another nickname for her child to call you. “Dad” is not appropriate for a five year old to call mom’s boyfriend. Sorry. Explain to the little girl that you’re not her daddy, but you’re her mommy’s good friend, and she can call you by your first name, just like mommy does.

Good luck!

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