[pixelotus]

Alright, let’s see where to start.

First of all this is not a question whether to see if I stay or leave this guy. I’m pretty sure I want to stay with him. But I want to know if my concerns are logical or if I’m just thinking too much about things that have no importance.

I met a great man on this dating site. He’s nice, caring, loving. We both like the same things and we feel comfortable around each other. When we go out, it’s not that I’m proud to show him around but I feel comfortable around him. It’s not like I’m trying to hide him. I live far away from my family and friends because I’m still going to graduate school, so I don’t really know how they would respond to this relationship.

The thing is that there are a couple things that are bothering me. He didn’t finish college because his parents could not afford a loan or didn’t have savings to help him out. I am finishing graduate school. Except that I don’t really feel like he’s lazy or that he lags behind anyone who has had a college education. He lives by himself, and does fairly well. I’m an artist and he’s into IT, it doesn’t interfere with our lives but I just see that people that get married are usually in the same educational level. Is it a bad idea to consider someone who hasn’t gone to college as a future husband?

Second of all, he’s a really big man. Overweight. This doesn’t really bother me, but when we have sex everything seems perfect except the penetration part. I don’t really feel him because he’s a bit small. I already tried to mention that to him because we’re totally honest to each other. We’re going to try other things apart from penetration for satisfaction, but something inside me tells me that it isn’t going to work unless I can feel that he … *ahem*… fills me up. I’ve also thought about the future when he turns 40, he could be at risk for cardiovascular disease and all of those things.

He tells me that he’s been working on loosing some weight before and began doing martial arts on the weekends, which he does diligently, but only two times a week. He says he’s less heavy than he was a year ago. But he’s still very heavy. 300 pounds and 6’1″. And he still goes out to eat for lunch, although he tells me that now he’s trying to buy salads. But I catch him getting midnight snacks or eating sweet things in the morning. That somewhat upsets me because he isn’t being disciplined about his diet as I am. And sometimes I let myself go because I’m with him. I’ve started drinking pop again, something that I only limited myself to do about once a week. I’m not upset about this, since every time I go out with someone I tend to eat more because of getting asked out. But I am a little irked about his eating habits, and how little self image he has. He says that I am too hot for him and that he doesn’t know what a girl like me is doing with someone fat and ugly like him. I don’t like him using those words, especially since I find him attractive.

He’s a great person. He’s sweet, caring, he loves me and he promises me to take care of me. He’s great with his finances, and organized as far as his career and life go. He’s smart and we have a ton of fun together. But he’s a bit lacking in self esteem. All I can think about is that I’m the daughter of hard working people who have been born in poverty and gained a lot of wealth. While his parents are still sort of poor middle class and working in blue collar jobs. I have a lot of pride and I feel like I blend in different places, and he doesn’t feel comfortable going out to classier venues. I don’t really care where we go, but I think that he does and it bothers me a bit that he doesn’t try to change his attitude about himself or take care of himself.

Once again, I don’t feel an issue with this weight, I’m just concerned about the satisfaction in bed and the fact that he’ll probably be sicker than me as he gets older.

I am really considering marrying this man someday, but my nature is to always think too much. I know in my heart he really does care about me and plans to marry me, but I can’t really tell the difference between things that are unimportant to care about or issues that will affect our possible marriage in the future. Am I thinking too much and is this meant to be? Or am I right to be concerned?

[April Masini]

Since you asked me not to comment on whether or not you should stay with this man, I won’t! 🙂

But I will tell you that your concerns are not unfounded, and I don’t think you’re overanalyzing things. I think that you are getting ready to get married, and deciding if this man, or any many you date, is a good match for that mutual goal, is smart dating.

What I would advise you on, is to focus on yourself, and to be realistic about him. It is very hard to change other people. People change themselves because they want to. And in couples both people have their own timelines and “clocks”. In other words, both people do what they think is right (for them and/or for the their partner) when they think it is right. Sometimes these timelines and clocks coincide, and sometimes they don’t. When there’s a big margin of difference, there can be conflict. When there’s a smaller margin of difference of when things happen, there’s less conflict.

So when your boyfriend is doing martial arts twice a week, you may not feel that’s enough for him, but for him, that’s what he’s ready to commit to at this time. See what I mean?

Marriage and long term relationships that are healthy are like Venn Diagrams where each person is a circle and where the two circles meet there is either a lot in common or a little in common and everything that is outside the common area of the two circles, is the individuals’ responsibility.

I hope that helps and that I’ve stayed within the bounds of your question! 😀

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