Am I witholding love and therefore being manipulative???

[lovesick2014]

When my partner and I have a bad fight, she leaves for days, and I’m unable to display love. It feels fake if in the middle I said “I love you so much” or “How are you doing, I miss you”. I’m not withholding love as a punishment or to evoke a reaction- it’s extremely hard because I feel so hurt and guarded. She consulted with her friend who’s a therapist, who said I’m being manipulative by withholding love and directed her to a link. Now my partner thinks I’m manipulative and won’t listen to any other opinions. I explained “I don’t know how to pretend, or how to let go, in the middle of feeling so hurt. That’s not me withholding love and manipulating, that’s me being real, genuine..feeling hurt and vulnerable. My love doesn’t go away when we fight, the hurt is on the surface so intensely that I can’t feel love, let alone express it. You are not better than me and I am not better than you, we are different. What you’re calling manipulation feels like a harsh criticism to how I react to pain because it’s different than how you react.” Her response was , “I’m just going by the books.” But she disappears when we fight.. Am I being manipulative? Is it wrong of me to not know how to express love when hurt? It is weird to me that she can say “I love you, I hope you’re well” in the middle of disappearing and fighting…but to her it is weird that I can’t say it back when this is all happening. I understand it hurts her, but it hurts me that she disappears when we fight for up to a week too, and it hurts to be called a manipulator.

[April Masini]

You’ve only been dating for four months — and you’re getting to know each other. One of the things you’ve gotten to know is that you’re different when it comes to dealing with anger (your own and each other’s). This isn’t a question of one person being right or wrong. It’s simply a question of how to bridge differences. 😉

For starters you can ask her if the two of you can agree not to label each other. That means not calling each other manipulators or anything else that has a name that can be hurtful or construed as negative. That’s a good rule for anyone to follow whether the issue is expressing hurt, betrayal or any other emotion. When you call someone a cheater, a manipulator or a liar — you’ve created distance instead of bridging it.

Next, you both have to realize you’re not wrong (or right). She takes off when she’s mad and gives herself space, while still expressing affection from a distance. You feel abandoned and don’t feel affectionate or warm when she does this. Maybe you can both meet towards the middle. If she needs to take space because she’s angry or hurt by you, ask her if she go in the other room for an hour or take a solo coffee break for a couple hours — and reconvene in a quicker time frame than a few days. This will lessen your feeling of abandonment, but still give her the space she wants — although less of it. At the same time, maybe you can tell her that you love her but you’re hurt and you’re going to try to tell her both things — that you love her and you’re hurt — instead of saying nothing or not being affectionate during these breaks.

Then, prepare to be flexible. Changes take time and patience and you may get to the point where you can both compromise, but it may not be a direct line between two points. It may take time and it may require you both to be patient with regressions.

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