an ex, a breakdown and a new pregnancy

[relationshipa1]

Been in a turbulent relationship with a man that i thought once wonderful.. he took on me and my boys after my marriage broke down. After starting to live with him, i found out he had another side, or sides actually. Internet dating, an impressive porn collection, and chatting to women on his phone, one in particular that was apparently my “nemises”! I stayed with him foolishly through all of this, warning him though that if i caught him again it was over. I fell preganant to him in the meantime, and stayed trapped in a relationship that felt doomed to fail given how much i loved him but he continued to prove he didn’t love me by doing the wrong thing. After my beautiful daughter was born i felt he would change. And i think he tried for a while. He proposed and we set a date for our wedding. One week before the date i called it off after finding him on the net and talking to my nemesis again!! Although he insisted there was nothing going on, it still hurt after we had even see experts that told him she had no place in his life anymore. To cut a long story short the next year was pure hell. I lost 10 kilos, moved out of our home back to renting, could not work due to my infant daughter and to top it off i found out he had started a relationship with HER!!! For the next year after that he went backwards and forwards from me to her when it suited him and stupidly we let him. In February this year i told him angrily that i wanted him to have no contact with her and it blew up into a fight and we ended it. He ran back to her and she became pregnant. He insisted he did not want this child from the start, as he is a devoted father to my daughter and only has room for her in his eyes. He started to confide in me and won me back in July. Since then we have been seeing each other until last sunday when i couldn’t stand it anymore. I cannot handle the contact they have about the new child and other stuff too…. so i ended it. she is a bitch from hell and has caused nothing but trouble for us from the start and i guess what i am asking is how do i get over HIM and stop letting HER affect me and any more of my life???

[April Masini]

How many times will you keep putting yourself in harm’s way before you stop?

Over and over again this guy has hurt you and yet, you keep going back to him. Your problems with his new girlfriend are just you fooling yourself into blaming [i]her[/i] for the mistakes [i]you’re[/i] making. You haven’t mentioned a single thing this other woman has done that’s anywhere close to offensive. Because she hasn’t. It’s not about her. Wake up and smell the coffee — this guy was cheating with his new girlfriend — and other women, too — while he was with you. You caught him, and yet, you kept coming back to him. You know this guy has a lot of problems, and a history of them, and yet, you’re still trying to make a family with him.

Yikes!?! 😐

You are not a victim. You are an adult participant in this chaos, and you’re dragging your children into it, too. So, if you want to stop letting this guy and his new girlfriend affect you, [i]get real[/i] and understand this is not a good guy. Maybe if you can wrap your head around that, that will help you separate from him emotionally.

So, starting today, you have to stop being anything more than a co-parent with this guy who is now the father of both your baby, and his new girlfriend’s baby, too. [i]That’s it.[/i] Co-parents. Nothing else. Don’t live with him. Don’t have meals with him. Don’t go out with him. The only phone calls that you make or accept from him have to do with parenting your daughter together. Don’t kiss him. And I hope you don’t need me to tell you not to sleep with him.

You have to move on with your own life. Get some child care and get a job. Live with your family members until you can afford your own place. Focus on your children, and set an example for them as someone who recovers from mistakes, works hard, and gets back on her feet after a fall — or two, or three! 😉

Unfortunately, you’re all going to be in this triangle for the rest of your lives because both you and your so called nemesis have had children with this man, so you’d better learn to set up some boundaries and live a healthy life by shedding some of your old ways.

You [b]can[/b] do it, but you’re going to have to do some real work changing yourself.

[Anonymous]

thanks for the harsh but honest advice. I appreciate everything that you have said. But it has been hard to let go of my dreams of having a family and living happily ever after, plus i do deep down love him. Not sure why of course!!
She has been trouble from the start, trust me she has done a lot of hurtful things and he has let her.

[April Masini]

I’m glad you were able to take my advice without backing down. I hope I can continue to be supportive and honest with you, and that you’ll be just as supportive and honest with those in your own life.

I can hear how much you want a family, and I think that’s a [i]great[/i] dream to have and hold on to, [i]and[/i] to make happen. You can do it! [b]But not with him.[/b]

If you want a family, the first thing you have to understand is that you have to make choices for the family — not for yourself. Your sometime boyfriend is not a good family man. A perfect example of this is your own description of how hurtful, troublesome and destructive to your family this other woman has been — and yet this is who your boyfriend chooses to cheat with; this who he chooses to start a family with; and this is who he chooses to have in his life! He [i]does not [/i]have your best interests at heart. He [i]does not[/i] have your children from your prior marriage’s best interests at heart. He does not have your daughter’s best interests at heart — and he’s her father! Any man who wants to do right by his children, will make a stable home for them, and will respect and treat their mother well. This guy is causing chaos in your home and he’s not treating you well.

You have to start thinking of people other than yourself. You have children who need their mother to make their home stable and constant, and not to be chasing after some bad guy just because she thinks she loves him — but doesn’t know why. 😯

Forget the other woman. [i]He chose her. [/i] She is not your enemy. She’s his sometime girlfriend, just like you are, and you both have children with him. I hate to tell you this, but she could end up as your daughter’s stepmother sometime in the future. So you’d do best to stop talking about her, and focus on the real problem at hand.

You [i]can[/i] find a great man who will give you that family you so want. But you will [i]never[/i] find him as long as you continue to engage with Mr. Wrong.

Your best shot at your dream is to extricate yourself from this guy. I know I’m repeating myself here, but you have to get childcare, get a job, and get your ducks in a row in your own life before you can get out there in the dating game, and find your true and real Mr. Right. Get a child support order to help out financially with the new baby, strengthen yourself and your family. Your children will see by example what a great mother you are, and will appreciate and respect you that much more — and the biggest bonus in all this is that a man, who’s out there, will, too.

Sincere good luck to you — I really want this dream you have for yourself, to come true for you and your kids! 🙂

[optimistvik]

Just think how he has neglected his duties of a father to the daughter he had with you. still you gave a chance for him, but he did not change so keep in your mind about the welfare of your kid and take a decision. mainly to protect your kid and you.

[April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Author]

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