Are we headed in the right direction?

[TLYN]

Hi,
I met a guy through business, I’m an Interior Stylist and he is a Real Estate Agent. I was immediatley attracted to him and he asked me out a few days later. I honestly wasn’t sure if it was a “date date” or a “work/date date”, so needless to say it was great not to feel the “date date” pressure! It was a “date date” and it was awesome! He sent me a very sweet text after. I received more sweet texts the next day and he did call before going out of town for the weekend.

He invited me out for a drink when he got back in town, so of course I went! Again, it was awesome. He gave me a hug and kiss when I arrived and another amazing good night kiss. He did text the next couple of days, but they didn’t have the same “sweet” context, not a big deal I know, but I have one of those brains that just over analyzes everything.

We went to the movies this last Saturday night. He’s very affectionate in public, which I love, and we had another great night, so…I am crazy about this guy, we just naturally get along so well, lots of things in commom and common interests and the kissing, WOW!

I guess I am just looking for reassurance that we are on track. I don’t want to mess things up. I text him occaisonally to see how his day is or to say hi. I have invited him to dinner, but he couldn’t make it, I’m not suspicious of this, but I don’t think I should ask again until he initiates another date. It is so hard to be “cool but not too cool”, AAAUGH! I have dated guys who are a little more transparent with their intentions, and those relationships obviously didn’t last. I like the pace we are on, but I get nervous and impatient, it’s just that I would like to spend a little more time with him, but so far it has been just about once a week.
Thanks for your help!
T

[Steve]

I was glad to read your post, TLYN. I’ve been wondering a lot of the same things about the new “relationship” I am currently involved in (I also have one of those brains that over-analyzes everything 😉…that’s why I read these type of sites, I guess). It’s also interesting to hear a little about this type of scenario from the female perspective. Most people who post here seem to have some kind of problem in their relationship that they’re looking for help with, which is great and we can all a learn a lot from that, but your post is more like “everything is great, so what am I missing?” which is sometimes exactly how I feel.

Regarding your point about some of his more recent texts not being as sweet as some of the first ones…I wouldn’t make too much of that…During those first few dates it’s like an all out sprint and your wit, charm and creative juices are flowing freely, but no one can keep up that pace forever…at least that is how it went for me…during/after the first couple of wonderful dates with the woman I’m currently dating…we were laughing and giggling at all the right times and I don’t care if it was on the phone, in person or even just a two-word text message, it just seemed that I always had the perfect thing to say at the perfect time and I just couldn’t miss, but after a few weeks our dialogue (whether verbally or by text or email) settled into more routine every-day conversations…at first I was worried about things fizzling too quickly, but soon realized that the fun and wittiness was great for charming the socks of her at first, but our conversations have become much more meaningful as the relationship has evolved…sure we still have plenty of opportunities for flirting and laughing and I know that’s important to maintain, but sometimes I just want to know how her day was…even on the bad days.

I am anxious to read April’s response to your question, because it is crazy sometimes that at my age and spending all of my adult life developing many, many types of relationships (some more successful than others, as evidenced by my former marriage) that I still find myself perplexed by the dating world. It seems like everything is great, but I can’t help but feel as though I’m overlooking some important detail.

Good luck to you and your realtor friend!

[TLYN]

Hi Steve,

Thank you so much for replying, it is awesome to get a guys side of things! I know I am making a big deal out of nothing, but it is just so refreshing to have real feelings for a real person for a change. By real, I mean we didn’t meet online.

I too look forward to Aprils response, but I really appreciate yours as well!

Best wishes to you and your relationship!

T

[optimistvik]

From what you told i have a feel that you are on the right track and keep the tempo you are handling now, dont become over excited and start to push things, let it happen in its own pace. all the best

[April Masini]

Don’t ask men out! 😮

I know you have anxiety issues and it’s hard for you to do nothing, but you have to be “the girl” in the situation when it comes to dating if you want this to work out. If he invites you out to dinner, and you want to offer to cook at your place instead, that’s fine. But let him be the guy and do the chasing. This guy knows what he’s doing, and he’s moving the relationship along at a very normal pace — he likes you, and you can know this because he asks you out. If you start doing the asking, and get a rejection like you did, you end up not knowing what’s going on. Whereas, if you let him do the asking, you’ll know if he’s into you or not because he’s asked you out (or hasn’t).

In addition to which, men want to do the chasing. If you take that away from him, by asking him out, you’ll appear less attractive to him. He wants to chase a fabulous prize that will not be too easy to get! So, don’t make it easy for him — he doesn’t want you to! 😎

The real issue here isn’t this guy, though. And it’s not even the relationship. What’s really important is your anxiety and impatience. Neither of these are helpful in a relationship, and you’d be wise to focus on them. Here are some tips for you to use when you’re feeling anxious about a guy (or anything):

Don’t react. I know it’s really hard to do nothing, but it’s essential. Sit in it. Even if you feel uncomfortable, acknowledge your discomfort and just breathe through it.

Focus on something else. If you start feeling anxiety and impatience about a situation, like a relationship or a guy’s feelings about you, go to the gym and work out. Or garden. Or shop. The idea here is that you can have that nervous energy, but don’t apply it to the guy or the relationship. Apply it somewhere else — and watch how quickly your taxes get done, or your bathroom gets cleaned! 😆

Play the numbers game in dating. If you put all your eggs in one basket, you’re understandably going to be extra anxious about what the one guy you’re dating is thinking. However, if you date smart, and make sure you’re getting up to bat numerous times, you’re more likely to hit one out of the park. So don’t start committing to some guy after 3 dates or even 6 dates. Have other men in your life that you are interested in, and/or dating so that you aren’t sitting home alone, wondering if he’ll call and making yourself crazy.

Hope that helps! 🙂

[TLYN]

April! Thank you so much! I couldn’t agree with you more on the “he knows what he’s doing”. I just get nervous because I haven’t really gone on “dates” with the guys I’ve seen recently. It’s so sad to refer to it as old fashioned dating, but most guys, and girls, don’t know how to date anymore! Everything is so casual and people just rush into things, by this I mean the hanging out at each others place, which takes the romance out of getting to know each other. I so look forward to seeing him on dates. I didn’t think I would feel this way so soon about him after a bad relationship I went through a few months ago. He’s the first guy in a long time that genuinely adds to the happiness in my life.

I am seeing a couple other guys, but they were out of town all last week so I didn’t have a deistraction to take my mind off of the one I really like! I promise to do my best and not freak out. Patience is definitely not my virtue, but I will do the breathing exercise and focus my nervous energy elsewhere.

Again, thank you so much! And thank you “Vic” too!

[April Masini]

It sounds like you’re going to be fine, and that you’re going to try and work on your reaction times to other people’s behavior. Good for you! 🙂

You’re right that there is a lot of “hanging out” that obliterates the lines of dating rules, but that doesn’t mean you have to be complicit in them! You can maintain your own boundaries, and not act like you’re on a date, until you are on one. If a man asks you to “hang out” you, can say no. It is part of your vocabulary. If he really wants you, and you’re still flirtatious and alluring to him, without accepting his offer to hang out, my guess is he’s going to try a little harder to win you over, and try something else. And after all, isn’t that the kind of guy you want in the long run, anyway? Someone who won’t stop at no, but will try something different, if at first he doesn’t succeed? 😎

Just because hanging out is the norm, doesn’t mean it has to be [b][i]your[/i][/b] norm. The beauty of life is that you get to craft your own. So, raise the bar! Trust me — when great men see you like them, but you’re not going to hang out, what they think is that they’ve got someone who’s a classy woman who has [i]standards[/i], and this makes them want you more. Men are proud when they are able to get a woman they think is that discerning.

Also, people rush because they haven’t planned well. Crunch time doesn’t have to happen if you date smart. There is no “clutch date” if you only date men who are potential Mr. Rights, and don’t waste your time (or theirs) with Mr. Right Nows.

Consider my book, Think & Date Like A Man, if you want to learn more about this. And in the mean time, good luck! 😀

[TLYN]

Hi April,

I will be getting your book, so I hopefully don’t have to go through this again. I haven’t thrown in the towel yet. “The Guy” was out of town this weekend and I don’t know when he was getting back. I did call him Thursday to wish him a good weekend. He said he was glad I called, asked how my week was and said he would call when he got back, again it is only Monday. I’m not concerned with today or tomorrow, but this…if I don’t hear from him by Thursday, I think it would be safe to say that he clearly changed his mind about dating me, if this happens, I will want confirmation that he is no longer interested. Should I call him and bring up the obvious change between us, or should I call and act like nothing is wrong and see if he brings it up himself? I just know myself, I will need “closure”. Part of my calling on Thursday was to see if he would say something then, but he didn’t go anywhere near that topic.

Thank you for your wisdom!

T

[April Masini]

Please re-read my posts above, and take the advice, because what you are doing is sabotaging yourself in this relationship. 🙁

In addition to “Do not ask men on dates,” the other rule for you is “Do not call men to ‘check in’ on them.” When you did this, you took away his opportunity to call you, and you also diminished your value as the prize that this guy would want to chase. 😐

There is no [i]“obvious need for closure”[/i] if he doesn’t call you again. 🙄 If he doesn’t call you, [b]that’s[/b] your closure. Why you need this closure, is mysterious — unless of course you aren’t accepting reality.

Be in the present and understand that if he wants you, he’ll call you. If he doesn’t, he won’t. And in the meantime, again, work on your ability to not react to every little thing and not to be impulsive, and to date the field so that you can use up some of that nervous energy on building your future with men, rather than sabotaging it.

I hope that this post is the one that helps! 🙂

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