[anastasia2007]

Hello,

I am 32 and live on the east coast. I recently (3 months or so) met a man that lives in California. We talked, hit it off and made arrangements to meet in person. Since I was looking for somewhere to go this year on a mini vacation I figured this would be a great opportunity. We met. Hit it off then I had to return home. We talk for hours a day. Every day. In most things that he deals with he appears to be pretty straight forward.

He has a 3 year old daughter with special needs. She has cerebral palsy. He and the baby’s mother separated for what he claims is a year now. While I was out there, he was getting texts left and right from her. He would get annoyed, respond and it changed his demeanor for a minute. He even said that she pisses him off. While were in commute to one of our destinations I expressed to him that he gives the baby mama too much attention. His attentiveness makes her think that she still has it like that. He listened and said that he would take it into consideration. I also added that I didn’t understand why she had to be there present when he wanted to do stuff with the child. He said that he does it for his daughter. That it is not like that and that he does nothing with her. Just is civil they do the do then separate ways they go. Hmmm, really. He prides himself on being candid and straight forward. He is misleading his daughter into thinking that they are still together. There is a history there where she abuses alcohol and in one instance he had to go get his daughter because the baby mother was out at a friend’s house in a drunken stupor and his daughter was in the care of a mutual friend. He had to go get his daughter immediately. I didn’t say anything to that since it was something that had to be done and I understood. But the rest, it is not fair.

When I first met him it was around mother’s day. He said that he was going to cook dinner and that he invited his daughter, mother and x girl to eat at his house. I said to myself ok that is a nice gesture since it is the mother of his child. But then he would go with her to the park to play with his daughter. Or recently there was a town fair and he went with the baby mother and his daughter. They ended up ditching the fair due to the extreme heat and went into the city where it was cooler. He did not call me once. Just sent a quick text letting me know that he was going to do that instead. Texted me once saying miss u. I didn’t get the text that he got home until 11:55 that night in which he still didn’t call me. He did text me that he missed me again but no call.

Its little things like this that I am having a huge problem with. I don’t know how to approach the situation. I want to know why she has to be there. Y cant they make it where their meetings are to say hi and bye. Give me my daughter or here I’m dropping her off. If they need to go to school meetings, doc appointments, hospital emergency then I wouldn’t fault him but all else, Chuckie Cheese, town fair, movies, walks to the pier to play. Why together? I cannot justify that. I think that he is still hung up on her. Since we live so far apart and cannot physically see each other I think that he thinks its ok, the thing is that he does not hide that he does this. He lets me know like he sees no wrong in it. They are not together anymore according to him. He admits that she is hung up on hi and blames him for her drinking. She said that it is his fault that her life is the way it is. I know that cannot be since she has 2 kids with another man and they were taken away from her. I need to know why do they have to go out together to do things for the kid. I always thought that where there was once fire ashes remain.

So that you can get a small idea, when he calls me and says that the baby mother is coming he hangs up way before the baby mama comes to meet him. Since the baby mother was there yesterday when they went to the city I got no call from him. When ever she is around I cannot be with him on the cell. Any other time he is cool and calls me all the time. If not he texts me of IM’s me.

I need to know that I am not overreacting. We have not established titles but agree that we are exclusive to each other. This is a mutual thing since we are not ready to move in or anything. We are still getting to know one another to an extent we do have rules if you will about dating, flirting, entertaining people of the other sex… things of that nature but he is not my technical boyfriend. Just someone that I am seeing and have become intimate with.

[April Masini]

I’m happy to help you, and hope that next time you’ll post to the Relationship Advice forum where I’ll be able to get to you sooner! Your question is very interesting, and I want to help you.

That said, I think that you are definitely not overreacting, but you [i]are[/i] wanting things to be different than they are. It’s easy to change yourself, but impossible to change other people. Rather than blame your boyfriend for his behavior, you’d do better to understand it and accept it.

The reality is that your boyfriend has a lifetime commitment to a daughter with a chronic illness. He is going to be connected to his ex, who is his daughter’s mother — for life. And while you think he’s contacting and engaging too much with his daughter’s mother, the reality is that this is what works for the three of them. And the reason I know it works for them is because they continue their dynamic, and while your boyfriend makes time for you, he puts his daughter first, and sometimes, he puts his daughter’s mother ahead of you, too.

When he defends himself to you and says he’s getting together with his daughter and her mother for the daughter’s sake, I believe him. Divorce or parents being separated is not what harms children — parental conflict harms children. If these two parents can make things work for their daughter, for her sake, then they’re doing the right thing. When you date a single parent, you’re never going to be number one all of the time — and when the child has special needs or a chronic illness, you’re going to be number one even less of the time.

It’s really great that you found all this out so early in the relationship because clearly, this dynamic is not going to work for you, and clearly, he’s not going to change things. If you continue to try to change him or get him to change, or tell him how he should be doing things and that he’s doing things wrong, he’s going to get angrier and angrier, and so are you.

The fact that he lives 3000 miles away from you is a problem, and the fact that you’re 32 means that you probably are looking for a serious relationship that will lead to marriage and children of your own. By getting further involved with this guy, you’re setting yourself up for a relationship that is not destined for success. My advice is to move on and find someone who is more compatible with you in more ways.

[anastasia2007]

Thank you, that was insightful. I will take what you have given me and reassess what it is that I am doing here. I thank you for your words and look to make more posts as my life takes complicated turns. I really needed that candid point of view. Most times the posts that I have seen are not that personal.

thanks again. its appreciated.

[April Masini]

Let me know how things are going for you…. 😀

[Author]

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