being the other woman..hate it..help!!!!

[jadded09]

I started dating a man for over 3 months..who is in a realtionship with someone who he has been unhappy with for sometime.. he has left 3 times previous..but he stays becasue he has an attachment with her 13 year old daughter..almost raised her,,and his own daughter from previous is 16years old has moved in with them about 6 months ago..she has had a bad upbringing this far…he just exisits basiclly there..no physically sexual since before us and I believe him…but he may now that of his choice what would he say..or do “IF”
I knew what I was getting into when we met but we fell in love and have spent alot of time when able..mostly at night as they all were in bed or going..he would meet half way or he would travel to my home 65kms to see me and spend time with me… we would be together with me through the day on a few occasions as well..his work and mine coinsided well as he works backshift full time,,he has bought me beautiful heartfelt gifts..flowers..cards..lingerie…etc..and professes his undying love to me and that he misses me when we seperate..and of course I feel the same..he texts..emails me and calls when we are apart for employmnet through the week,,he treats me with respect and love…and I think he is all I have ever looked for minus his few faults..I have been married and seperated..to an abuser…had my time alone and then he apeared!!

Now..we decided that we wanted to be together..so I was going to move to be living with him and we would get a place and he would leave her telling her things wernt working get a 2bedroom apt so to have his 16yr old daughter as well..I gave my notice at work…got stuff together to set up apartment..he helped by looking at the apartments etc as he lived closer..and was happy doing it…then xmas came..he wanted to have xmas with his daughter..her daughter..the last one and didnt want to mess up the season by leaving then…so I agreed..was sad but I agreed..cause of the kids and his feeling of wanting a happy day….when I did see him shortly after the hollidays..he gave me the news that..his daughter asked for his”g/f” to adopt her when her Dad got custody in the near future…and the g/f said yes!…of course he freaked!,,came and told me..and I am soooooooo hurt…his feelings for me hasnt changed…all that stuff..but as for getting the apartment..moving needing a new job again..here where I live and refusing the one I got for after the move..and my dreams..it all went down the drain..he says he wants to make his daughter happy!! he doesnt know what to do!!,,he cried and cried and sobbed saying he doesnt want me to be out of his life…he is in love with ME!.he didnt ask me to wait but said he really wanted to..and I just dont know..I want to..really..but being a secret….still.. sharing him to some extent still..seeing him when he can..being at night..him not waking beside me in the morning.. not having him to come home to…all our plans gone to be together…with everyone knowing nothing..accept my family and friends they know and have seen me fall apart after him saying these things with many tears and a few painful nights apart..but he has come back just a few days since the news.. ..
…what do I do..where do I go..I love him…and he says he loves me…and he is comming up on New Years..he says he may even be able to stay over night..only the second time waking to him…I am in so much turmoil inside I want to do whats right..and not feel so bad…HELP!!!!!! but what do I do???

[js1585]

Hey, it looks like you’ve got yourself in a little bit of a mess. First thing to understand is that the guy your having an affair with is always going to put his family first, as you said his daughter had a bad upbringing, her father probably feels bad for that and guilty and would do anything to rid himself of that guilt so he will do anything to keep her happy, even if it is staying with this woman which you say he is not in love with anymore. The guy your with, although claims to love you in reality you’ve only been seeing eachother 3months, I’m guessing your guy likes the security of having his partner and his and her daughters, it creates a family which is far more stable than a relationship. Men like to have the cake and eat it, meaning he loves the security of the relationship he has with his partner though also loves the thrill of getting with you, as it’s not allowed, in a way your his mistress, he may think he loves you but in reality he probably just loves easy sex which is probably better and more lustful than the sex he’s getting with his partner as it’s not allowed.

I would suggest the best thing to do is to tell him one last time that you love him though you cannot ruin his relationship with his daughter. As if he suddenly started going out with you after his partner the daughter would hate you anyway knowing that you were the ‘other woman’ and would hold no respect for you what so ever. The best thing would to tell your guy that you want all the messing around to be over and it doesnt matter how much you feel for each other it would never work. If the circumstances were different it could have worked. You should ask him not to contact you and to let you move on.

Yes what I wrote probably sounds harsh to you and you’ll probably be crying and thinking about him for atleast a month after breaking off contact with him. But in the end of the day you’ll be able to continue with your career with no distractions and find a real man with no loose ends to lie up.

Hope this helps, and good luck 🙂

[April Masini]

I realize this response is not going to be what you want to hear, but you asked for my opinion and so I’m going to give it to you.

If you do not want to be the other woman, don’t act like one. As harsh as that sounds, it’s really that simple.

My suggestion is that you tell this man not to call you again unless/until he is ready to make you The Woman in his life.

I recommend that you explain (to him) that you do not like being “the other woman,” any more than you like sneaking around, or being with someone who is cheating on someone else.

As much as it is going to hurt you — stop 100% all contact with him — right now. It would be far worse to wake up 2 years from now in the same situation, having wasted the best years of your life, waiting….

If he truly loves you and wants to be with you — your lack of contact will force him to make the changes he needs to make. If he doesn’t, he never would have.

On a very frank separate note, 9 times out of 10, someone who cheats with you will cheat on you. More, I would never recommend having an affair and breaking up a family, any more than I’d recommend believing in someone who is willing to breakup their family as a result of a 3 month affair…. Just something to think about.

[jadded09]

Thanks to the ones that answered my post….I will tell you that everything that was said made sense..I agree 100%…since my latest post..I have come to the decision that I will no longer be his”mistress”…I am better than that..and although it doesnt seem that I have any self worth,by having this happen…I do have morals…and the last thing I want is to break-up his family..even with his condesending words of being so in love with me and that ..”he is just there”…..I have questioned maybe all anong..I gave the benifit of the doubt…I have stopped contact with him and told him point blank…that I cant do this anymore…and yes it hurts…but in the end I am better for it..guess no one dies with a broken heart afterall,,,I hope that my post may have helped someone else in a similar situation..thanks !

[bumpa1960]

You sound as though you’ve grown quite a bit since your first post. Good for you. You were hurting, and maybe you still are, but you’re moving on with your life. That is key.

Dwelling on the past does us no good, and doesn’t let us feel good about ourselves. We need to be able to communicate our feelings in more than one way, and the non-verbal signals we send out are so important. People can sense how we feel about ourselves.

If we exude confidence and sexuality, we’ll be much more likely to receive the same. Who really wants to attract someone by being vulnerable due to a bad relationship or an unhappy ending?

Start fresh, be happy with yourself before you try hooking up with anyone else, and start living and enjoying your life! Congratulations on taking that first step, and keep your chin up.

[April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you.

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