[reet]

Hi,
First of all sorry for such a long post. But i want to tell u evetything.
I m in a relation frm last 3yrs. Frm last 2.5 yrs, he is taking me for granted. He was loving and understanding earlier but den all changed. He started calling me names, insulted me, nvr noticed my feelings and needs. He only thinks about himself, his likes dislikes etc.
I was always dere whn he needed like his family problem, job problems, financial issues etc. But he always left me alone everytime. Like, he left me 3-4 times and block me den came back later whn i tried. I forgave him. I got pregnant but he didnt wanted baby. He left ne dat time alone during abortion for 1.5 mnths and blocked me den came back only whn i tried. Den said i was getting rid of u and i wasnt in mood of taking care of u. I forgave hin agn however it was unforgivable.
From last 1.5 yrs, he is cancelling every single plan i make to be wid him for some weird reasons dat he is sleeping or forgot etc. He comes only whn he wants to.
Its not dat i never told him my concerns. I told him n number of times dat i cant accept dis always. I feel insulted, unwanted. I cant manage everything alone. U also have to give in to dis relation. But he didnt. He started blocking me always from more dan a yr and unblocks me whn he wants to talk den blocks me agn.
I got so frustrated dat we had a very huge arguement. i had to call him frm differenT number as i was always blcoked but he got angry and said i crossed my limits. Aftet dat i stopped reaponding to his calla and msgs. Den after 5 daya he apologized and said he cant live widout me and want me to come bck as he wants dis relation. I forgave agn. I met him dis monday, he promised me to change his attitude towards me. I told him to meet me next day and i will cook for him. He agreed. But nxt mrng, b4 half an hour of our meeting, he said he cant as he is going with his uncle. I kept calling and msgng but he blcoked me agn. I was frustrated. Den i called him ysterday and he came and apologised and said he will meet me today. I agreed. But after sometime told me dat he is going out of city wid his uncle for 2 wks and he cant meet me. I was so disappointed by cancelling every singleplan dat i told him dat i m leaving from his life and he can do whatever he want. I m frustrated. I did so mych for him and still he said dat “i will b back aftrr 2 wks. Wht a big deal. Why r u overreacting. I knw u r not leaving”. But i said i will leave him now. Dis is too much. He said ok leave and i wont be coming back to u and disconnected d call.

I m heart broken and dont knw wht to do. His behaviour is insulting. Pls help me what to do.

[April Masini]

Clearly, your boyfriend doesn’t want you. 😳 He isn’t nice to you, and he doesn’t treat you well — and he hasn’t for a long, long time. He’s pretty much done everything but build a flashing, neon sign that says he doesn’t like you very much. The fact that you’ve stayed with someone who has made it so clear he isn’t into you, is a mystery. 😕

My advice is to accept his behavior as a clear sign of how he feels about you, and move on. You can find someone who wants to be with you, and then you’ll be happy — but it’s your choice. 😉 Decide to be a healthy person and make healthy choices in your own life. 😀 That means surrounding yourself with healthy people who treat you and each other well.

I hope that helps.

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[reet]

Thanks for a reply dear… I
feel d same. But den after some days, he comes bck saying that he loves me very much, cant live widout me and stuff, which confuses me a lot. He also says that he knws he cancells my every plan and he knws dis is not right and i m a very sweet n simple person and he wants dis relation. Sometimes he apologises to me too. But then he starts all of his wierd behaviour.

I m so broke now. I love him so much (and he knws it very well). He nvt understood me and my love for him. But yes u r indeed right.

Thanks for ur valuable reply April.

[reet]

Thanks for a reply dear… I also feel the same. But after few days he says that he loves me a lot and i cant live without u, u r very sweet n simple girl and i want dis relation, i knw i cancel ur every plan which is not right. Which confuses me a lot. Sometime he apologises to me too.

Plz tell me what to do if he again says all dat sweet stuff.

I m too broke. I love him very much. But he nvr understood me and my love for him.

April thanks for ur valuable advice.

[reet]

He himself knws how deeply i love him. Every time he left me or insulted me, i forgave him and went bck to him as if nothing happened.
But whn i said i will leave him and he said ystrdy that go leave and i wont come back to u, i was hurt. As if i was nothing. he nvr fought for me. Will he ever regret what he has lost after losing me?

I m 31 and he is 29. If dis can help.

[April Masini]

At age 31, it’s time for you to understand that if you treat yourself poorly, other people will, too. 😳 When you put yourself in situations where people insult you, disrespect you, and treat you as if you’re unworthy of real love, you’re going to stay in that groove and get more of the same bad treatment. When someone says he loves you, but treats you as if he doesn’t — believe his behavior. He’s not that into you.

You have to take responsibility for your own behavior and don’t blame him for your plight. YOU are the one who gets to choose how you spend your life, and who you spend your life with. If you stay with him, you will continue to treat yourself poorly, and so will he. Whether or not he will regret losing you is all about him, and that’s his business, not yours — but whether or not you will regret the way you treat yourself, is a better question for you. 😉

I hope that helps!

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[reet]

Its been 9 days, he is out. However, 2 days back he had sent me 4 msgs. Those were:-
Msg 1: what r u doing
Msg2: r u asleep
Msg3: talk to me
Msg 4: i m really really missing u. Talk to me please.

I really wanted to reply but keeping in mind that he cancelled every single plan of me frm so long and i m damn angry, i didnt replied. I have no idea whether he z back or still out (as he told me he is going fr 2 wks.). Aftr dat i didnt heard anything.

Who m i fooling??? I love and miss him so much dat i want to talk to him agn but only after he apologise to me sincerely.

We live in a same area, just 2 buildings away. I can see his cars and bike parked here.

M crying every single day for him. It hurts too much.

[reet]

I just saw that he is still not back. He is still out of city with his uncle. He sent me those msgs frm his house. 🙁

Plz guide me how to tell him that i m extremely upset “without saying anything at all”. However, he himself knws the reason as why i m not responding. I m dead sure he knws everything abt my anger towards him but always pretend as if he doesnt knw.

Everytime i was upset, i argued, i shouted. But this time i want him to face my silence. By my previous posts, u can re read what i hv gone thru. Apart frm all that, he has cancelled every plan on me and dis time he is out fr 2wks after cancelling ny plan agn.

[April Masini]

I’m sorry you’re so upset. I’m going to re-post my advice to you. Please re-read it:

[quote]At age 31, it’s time for you to understand that if you treat yourself poorly, other people will, too. 😳 When you put yourself in situations where people insult you, disrespect you, and treat you as if you’re unworthy of real love, you’re going to stay in that groove and get more of the same bad treatment. When someone says he loves you, but treats you as if he doesn’t — believe his behavior. He’s not that into you.

You have to take responsibility for your own behavior and don’t blame him for your plight. YOU are the one who gets to choose how you spend your life, and who you spend your life with. If you stay with him, you will continue to treat yourself poorly, and so will he. Whether or not he will regret losing you is all about him, and that’s his business, not yours — but whether or not you will regret the way you treat yourself, is a better question for you. 😉 [/quote]

I’ll try to answer your questions, but I hope you’ll really read the advice I’m giving you and not gloss over it. You have to do some hard work if you want to be healthy. 😉

[quote]Plz guide me how to tell him that i m extremely upset “without saying anything at all”. [/quote]

Wait a minute! My advice was to not say anything at all and move on. You can’t tell him your feelings if you’re going to be good to yourself. You’ve already told me over and over that this is a guy who treats you poorly. If that’s true, then you need to stop telling him your feelings. He doesn’t care about your feelings. You can’t say he treats you like hell and then [i]treat yourself[/i] like hell by telling him your feelings. 😕

You have to treat yourself better than that, or you’re going to just continue attracting people who will also treat you poorly.

[quote]However, he himself knws the reason as why i m not responding. I m dead sure he knws everything abt my anger towards him but always pretend as if he doesnt knw.[/quote]

See? You know he doesn’t care about your feelings. Move on. Don’t spend another second treating yourself poorly by investing in others who do, as well. You need to start treating yourself with respect. 😀

[quote]Everytime i was upset, i argued, i shouted. But this time i want him to face my silence.[/quote]

Wait a minute!! You need to stop wanting him to face your silence. You’ve said he treats you poorly — so YOU need to stop wanting to get a reaction from him. 😉 YOU need to walk away and focus on healthy people and healthy situations. If you want him to face your feelings, you’re still engaging someone who has a history of treating you poorly. The healthy move is to move on. Altogether. Today. 😉

[quote]I really wanted to reply but keeping in mind that he cancelled every single plan of me frm so long and i m damn angry, i didnt replied. I have no idea whether he z back or still out (as he told me he is going fr 2 wks.). Aftr dat i didnt heard anything.
[/quote]

He doesn’t care about you. Move on and find someone who does. Stop wondering where he is. Wonder where YOU are, and what you’re doing today that is productive and good for your health. 😀

[quote]Who m i fooling??? I love and miss him so much dat i want to talk to him agn but only after he apologise to me sincerely.
[/quote]

You’re trying to fool yourself.

If you love someone who treats you poorly, you’re going to continue to be treated this way. It’s YOUR CHOICE how you live your life. I know you want him to be someone he isn’t — but that’s a problem YOU have. Instead of focusing on trying to change him, change yourself. 😉

This isn’t about him. It’s about you.

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[reet]

Hi April,
Sorry for such a long post, first of all.
My bf was nvr a committed one. But when i told him abt my divorce is sure, he became very excited and said that ok, i m ready to accept you now. And i love u a lot. At dat time he was in different city for a job and btw, he LEFT me dat time for dat job. Its just dat he used to call me once a month aa if he is still dere. Ok… so, whn i told him abt divorce, he said above mentioned and gave me a green signal for marriage. I was going thru a very difficult phase of my life and dat too… Alone. He said that he anyways dont want to stay wid his parents bcoz they dont connect wid each other. He accepted me.

But just after a wk, he said he is not going to marry me and m already married ans stuff like dat. I requested him not to do dis bcoZ i was already shattered and was alone and hurt. He too was in different city but he called me characterless and disconnected. Den after a month he called up and abused me verbally, disconnected. It happened like almost for 6 months… All those abuses.

Den after total 9 months he came bck all of a sudden and said m back for u. He lost his job dere. And now working here currently. But still he refused to marry me. He still used to verbally abused me on phn.
I was so hurt dat i changed my number and whn he came to knw dat, he came to my house unannounced and startes shouting dat m having an affair elsewhere dats y i changed my number. Which was not true. He was d only one in my life. But no use.

He used to come to house 2wice eveey month (unannounced) to chk my phn and house whether someonez dere or not and he nvr found anything or anyone. Called me characterless etc agn. And left. Den he agn came but i refused to let him in. Den after a wk i saw him flirting wid someone but he refused to accept. I went to his house to ask but he didnt gv me any answer.

Den he came after a day to say that he is not having any affair and i m misunderstanding him. Den he left. But i seriously dont knw wht happened to him bcoz he told his mom dat i m spoiling his life and is after him. I m not leaving him alone. He even told her dat i came to his house to ask abt affair. His mom insulted me like anything on a middle of d road dat stop running after my son. Its all ur fault and not his bcoz HE IS A BOY AND U R GIRL. If he has given a chance, he will do everything bcoz he is a BOY. Its ur responsibility to stop him. U r characterless etc etc. I said its not all my fault, he used to come to my house and he called him up and said dat she is blaming everything on u. I said y r u lying, i didnt said it. I walked out frm dere. and she kept shouting dat i will kill u if i see u agn.
All dis time he nvr came to talk and changed his number too. He blamed everyrhing on me. i hv no words how cheap he is and what he has done to me. He lied to his mom and ahw also blamed me for evwrything. I saw him ystrday while he was going to office and he was hiding at first whn he saw me but widin a minute he came and crossed me. I nvr stopped him even whn he was looking at me.

One of my fren knws abt it and he felt insulted whn he came to knw. But wht do i do, m so alone i need someone to talk to….

I m soooo hurt by all d abv dat i cant just stop crying. We live in a same society its impossible to ignore.
Oh and btw, he left me 4 timea b4 too. But alwz came bck. But dis time, he inaulted me like hell and his mom too did d same.

Her mom is a big liar. She lies abt everything. She must have said.all d lies abt me to him like she is blaming u for everything, she insulted me also etc etc. However he knws dat she alwaya lie but he will believe everything ahw wud hv said against me. I donno what exactly was said abt me, but 200% sure she said lied against me juat to make him feel how bad i m and how i m putting everything on him. But the truth is dat they r d one who blamed everuthing on me.

Please tell me what do i do now. M not abke to forget anything he did to me one after d other. And den he blamed eveeything on me. Please.

And our relation is 4 yrs old and i m 32 and he is 30. If this can help. M just not able to forget him and whatever he did to me one after other. M so hurt dat i think words cant explain. M sorry for auch a long post.
Thanku

[April Masini]

[quote]Please tell me what do i do now. [/quote]

I already told you what to do — several times — and you ignored my advice over and over again. 🙁

He doesn’t like you. He’s not nice to you.

When you stay with someone like that, for as long as you have, the problem isn’t the guy. It’s you. 😳

If you want to be happy, then don’t stay with people who “treat you like hell”. It’s that simple! 😀

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[reet]

Yeah definitely u r rite.. But d questions dat keeps coming to my head are

1) why is he saying dat he loves me when he dont want to commit?
2) y he said dat he will marry me whn i m going thru a divorce phase? Its not a joke. Its already a very rough time for me and he is hurting me continuously.
3) he was d one who keeps coming to me and whn i went to meet him once, y d hell he told his liar mom dat i m after him and disturbing him. Y he lied about me to his mom and she started shouting on me like mad.
4) now, he don’t even look at me. He is living his life… Flirting etc and i m living in a mess going thru all dis and he left me all alone.

Wht makes it more difficult for me is dat he lives rite here in this society just a building away. And my love for him is pure and true. I was always honest. Dont knw whether he ever will underatand my worth. Dis makes it really difficult for me

April, i knw i must be irritating u by my questions over n over but plz understand me. My world collapsed whn he dumped me and i saw him happy after leaving me.

Thanku so much.

[April Masini]

Your questions are not irritating. 😉 It’s just that you keep asking the same question over and over, and ignoring the advice. 😕 It’s hard to watch someone who doesn’t help themselves. 😳 But I’ll answer the questions you asked — as always! 😀

[quote]1) why is he saying dat he loves me when he dont want to commit?[/quote]

Love and commitment are two different things. Lots of people say they love someone, but don’t want to commit. You can love someone without wanting to commit to them. 😉 But that said — he does not act like he loves you. 😳

[quote]2) y he said dat he will marry me whn i m going thru a divorce phase? Its not a joke. Its already a very rough time for me and he is hurting me continuously.[/quote]

He’s not someone who treats you well or cares about you, and that type of man will say whatever he needs to say to keep you interested in him. But that said — you’re married!? 😯 You didn’t say that you were married before.

[quote]3) he was d one who keeps coming to me and whn i went to meet him once, y d hell he told his liar mom dat i m after him and disturbing him. Y he lied about me to his mom and she started shouting on me like mad.[/quote]

Because his mother doesn’t like you, and he wants to please his mom, so he says negative things about you so that he and his mom have this in common. 😉

[quote]4) now, he don’t even look at me. He is living his life… Flirting etc and i m living in a mess going thru all dis and he left me all alone.[/quote]

That’s because he’s not that into you. 🙄

Hope that helps!

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[reet]

Hey april,
Thanks for ur help in my last relationship… I came out of dat abusive one…

But now, i have a crush on a guy who lives in my apartment… But my problem is dat he comes out of his house only once when he goes to office. And i try my best to come in front of him dat time… But he always comes out wid some one or d other… I can’t talk to him whn he is always wid someone… I have no idea whn he comes bck… I cant keep an eye on him everytime…

He also showed his interest in me last week… Whn he turned his car twice to cross me and smiled everytime (he was alonedat day)… But i was unaware dat time dat he is also interested… Please tell me wht should i do to talk to him…i really want to talk to him and i go daily… But my badluck he always is wid some other person… I am very reserved and i never show dat i m waiting to talk to him… I always look busy wid my phn… But i really want ro talk to him and waiting dat he comes alone… Should i keep trying daily and wait for a day he comes out alone…? Or is dere any other way…?

[April Masini]

If he’s always with someone, then you should wave, smile and say hello. Ask him a question about what you have in common — the apartment building!

And play the field…. don’t focus so much on one guy who may or may not be interested. 😉 Definitely flirt with him, but also smile at 20 new men each day!! You’ll definitely get some interest that way and won’t feel so desperate or needy, which is a real turnoff if it comes across. 😕

Hope that helps!

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