Blindsided

[jaykaycee]

Dear April,

I was in a wonderful relationship with someone that made me feel for the first time in my life, truly loved. Our year long relationship was very mature, and even through trying times, he showed me what a sincere and supportive boyfriend he was when my mother became terminal. He had never been in a long term relationship prior to our courtship. He had begun to even talk of marriage and a future together. I reciprocated the same feeling but seeing as though this was new territory for him I cautioned never to make him feel he needed to rush anything. (he is a few years younger than myself) We both sacraficed a great deal to care for my mother, and the demands that in entailed. He was my rock. However, one day as like any other, he took me out for an outing, dinner and a movie, sat me down on his patio and expressed how lucky we were to have each other and how in love he felt,I felt lucky to have someone tell me this, I did not expect that 2 hours later, after getting out of the movie that he would pull a 180*. He sat me down and explained that he felt strained and that he needed to clear his mind. I had no idea where that came from. I took into account the hardships of my mother’s condition as one that most people have a hard time handling. ( as it was for me as well) We have always had a very strong, clear form of communication with how we felt. I listened to him and he said he didn’t know why but the feeling of “being in love” just wasn’t there and he needed time to figure out why. I was devasted, but I knew the mature thing to do was to give him the space he needed and hoped that with time we could work through this. He was heartbroken when he broke up with me, cried as hard as I did when we ended things and he told me I was not only his girlfriend but his best friend. Everyone explained to me that he was devasted when we ended, and then 2 months after the breakup my mother passed away. He came to my side when I needed him most and I was grateful for that. However, 2 weeks after my mother’s passing, he came out publicly that he was in a new relationship with a girl he met only a month prior. HE reached out to me, and told me how he nervously found himself with someone that would go through his phone, said he had to sever all ties with me including the dog we raised together, and had introduced him to her parents a month after dating.

Their relationship has now become a mirror of our shared relationship in a quarter of the time. They already have said I love you and recently she got a dog (THE SAME BREED AS MINE) she writes on his wall every other day on FB and when I saw him recently to due to a non-personal visit he looked worn and drained. He shared some negative things about his new relationship and I expressed that its not my place to be involved in their relationship. He said he’d like to keep an open line of communication with me, however she goes thru his phone so he recommended I call his work line instead. I respectfully declined. We have been broken up for 3 months and he has been in his new relationship for 2. I feel betrayed because we had a very strong relationship that he expressed to others as well as myself that he never felt this way about anyone in his in entire life. What signs did I not see for this to blindside me? I am 100% certain that he did not cheat on me or that he met this girl before we ended. Could he really fall in love with this new girl that quickly? And why does he even entertain the idea of keep communication with me open? I love him still but I feel like a fool.

Sincerely,
Blindsided

[April Masini]

You’re asking a lot of questions about him…. but your should really be asking about yourself. 😉 Whether or not he is in love with his new girlfriend is, with all due respect, none of your business. He shouldn’t be discussing it with you and more importantly, you shouldn’t be discussing it with him. And frankly, I can’t think of ANYTHING more depressing. 😮 Staying friends and keeping communication between the two of you open is not a good idea.

First of all, you can’t heal if you’re constantly wondering what his relationship with his new girlfriend is like. He broke up with you, and it’s time to move on. But if he keeps picking at the emotional scab and not letting new skin grow, you’re going to end up with festering wound. (Not a very pleasant analogy, but it’s what came to mind! 😆 )

Second, he doesn’t get a chance to miss you if you’re there all the time. In fact, you’ll never know if he wants to come back to you for reconciliation or not, because you’re never actually gone — so he doesn’t have to. 😕 I never recommend being friends with someone of the opposite sex — ESPECIALLY if he’s an ex and EVEN MORE ESPECIALLY if you’ve just broken up with him (and yes, three months post break up is still too soon).

So move on, let go, and heal your heart. Open your eyes and get back out there and find Mr. Right. If it’s him, he knows how to find you. But don’t see him any more as long as he wants you in the friend zone. 😳

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1154528031[/url]. 😀

[jaykaycee]

Thanks April,

At first we didn’t speak, i cut all ties with him and we didn’t reach out to each other but with my mom passing away he really just wanted to show his sincere support. I did make it a point to not contact him and not look at everything that was so out there for everyone else to see, I still don’t reach out to him, (the reason why I happen to see him recently was because I was selling my car to his father and buying a new one, they are in the auto business) He was the one to spill the info about the new girl, and how it must have looked that it happened so suddenly, I think he was trying to justify and explain. I told him that I didn’t need to know these things, and that I really wanted him to do what he feels he needs to do. (my belief is that if he truly loves me, it will happen if its suppose to, i want it to be natural, an act of free will) But in the time that I saw him, he was reminisced about the good time between us, how its not the same, and even got all choked up. He explained that being around me, he feels like he loses control of his emotions. In the past three months, I have been proud of how I’ve taken care of myself. I endured a substantial loss with both the break up and my mom’s passing. I was able to pick up my life and get a new job, buy a new car, got back in the best shape I’ve ever been in, and worked really hard to not feel sorry for myself.

I know that distancing myself is the smartest thing to do, which I have tried to do as much as I can. But its very hard to not hear how this new girl literally has been mimicking our relationship, its insulting. I want to move on, but i know I will be very careful how much I believe what people tell me, because actions speak louder than words. I just need someone to talk sense to me in how, someone who was SOOOOOO sincere about loving me, could fast track it with the next girl in a span of 2 months?? I’m good about not talking to him, i really am, but I could tell from seeing him last week that he still has feelings for me too. I know I sound pathetic, but I have always been such a grounded individual, even telling him talking to me isnt being honest to her. I don’t know what scared him, I don’t want to make the same mistakes when moving on. please talk some sense into me!

[April Masini]

You can guess and wonder about what went wrong. But it’s not really going to serve you. I suspect he met the girl he’s now dating while the two of you were a couple, but he didn’t want to leave you while your mother was on her deathbed, so he waited until he felt you were healthy enough to endure the bad news.

I don’t know how old you are, but since he’s a couple years younger than you, and together, the two of you spent part (much?) of your one year together nursing your mom until she passed away, while you grew close, it wasn’t fun for him, and he was looking for some lightness.

You’ve done so much right, as you know, post-break up, so just keep focusing on yourself, and your future. You WILL meet Mr. Right, but he’s not that man. Let go and move on. 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1154528031[/url]. 😀

[jaykaycee]

Hi Again,

So the last time I posted here I was just mainly confused as to how the breakup came about and how hurt I was about the relationship my ex has now found himself in. So at Christmas I got an unexpected call from my Ex, just saying Merry Christmas and that he was thinking of me, nothing I read into, just a nice gesture. But I explained that as nice as it was for him to call I thought it inappropriate that he’d call me at all while he is with his GF. He apologized and said that he has been thinking of me as of late, I cut him off and said I should go and that this should be the last time we talk because its hard on me and clearly wrong of him. He begged for me to hear him out, and then for an hour and a half started to explain that he feels like his world is upside down. That he felt pressured to be in this new relationship, that she expects so much of him, that he’s beginning to feel he doesn’t trust her, and that he may have made some wrong choices. I told him that I am not the appropriate outlet for him to share this with and that he should call his sister or someone that can give him unbias insight. He got emotional and said he missed having someone that could hear him out with feel judgement, and that I continue to be his “best friend” in his eyes and heart. I told him that he should listen to his instincts and that if he feels that way then it will be up to him to make that call. I dunno if he was looking for me to tell him to break up with her?? I wonder if its because he wants to make sure he has emotional ties still there with me, and I’m trying to be strong. I don’t want to be the one to tell him to DO anything, that should be an act of free will. However, I find it dishonest that he even calls me, behind her back and tells me these things he hates about her. Literally he was crying over the phone about not understanding himself and how terrible he feels he may have hurt the one person in his life that understood him best. He hasn’t contacted me since christmas. I’ve been trying to take your advice and just live my life, even tried to go on a date. But I’m just not ready for anyone right now, not even my ex. I need time to heal. But what do I do about this situation???? Please help.

Blindsided

[April Masini]

You did everything right. 🙂 You used your boundaries and that’s really going to serve you. But you also got some insight into his character. He sounds like he’s very weak right now, and I’m not sure if he’s always been weak, or if this is something new.

He’s looking to you to support him while he stays in the relationship with his girlfriend that he doesn’t want to be in. Don’t forget that this was happening with the roles reversed when he was in a relationship with you, and cultivating a relationship with her behind your back.

If you can see that he’s not who you thought he was, and that he’s ultimately not the right person for you because you need someone stronger in your life, it will be easier to let go. My advice is not to take his calls any more. At all. If he wants to break up with her, he certainly knows how to end a relationship, as you well know first hand. And if he wants to approach you as a single guy, and ask you if you’d forgive him and date him again, he certainly knows how to do that, too.

As for your not being ready to date yet, that’s fine. You’re not just suffering the loss of your relationship with you ex-boyfriend, but you’re probably still mourning the loss of your mother. 😳 Healing takes time. Allow yourself to rejuvenate on your own clock. When you’re ready to date again, you’ll know it. But in the meantime make sure you have friends and family to support you so you don’t find yourself too lonely and succumb to companionship from the wrong people. 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. And please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1154528031[/url].

[jaykaycee]

Thanks April,

You’ve stated that you think he created the relationship behind my back before he broke up with me… I had thought that at one point as well, however I have it from the closest people in his circle, that that is in fact not true. He literally met this girl a month after we broke up, followed by another month later in this crazy relationship. ( a mutual friend who is still very loyal, who, like everyone else thinks this relationship is ridiculous, was there the night they were introduced.)

He is normally is not a weak person. He’s was so grounded, and honestly, with me, he took pride in how honest and communicative we were in our relationship. When he broke up with me he used the excuse that he’s only 23… that he just needs some time to think about his life. Now he’s telling me he didnt think at all and how confused he is. He even talked about how he thinks he should see a counsellor and I told him thats not a bad idea. He has trust issues. He got real emotional talking to me and it was hard on both of us. I took your advice about being strong for myself and tried not to get emotionally invested in what he was trying to sell me. I DO think he’s confused and it wouldn’t help to get myself involved. But honestly, I truly love him. Is that wrong? 😥 I DO want him to approach me ONLY if he’s single. And I don’t want him to run back to me immediately after breaking up with her either! He’s just in such a rush to have this fairy tale romance that he doesn’t realize that it takes time to trust and truly love someone. (i believe that the things worth having in life are the things you’re willing to work hard to deserve)

But it doesn’t help that now I begin to doubt that he truly loved me at all if he could allow himself to mimic the same kind of relationship in a 3 months span. Now hes telling me its not what it seems… then why is he in it? Am I weak for even letting him talk to me on Christmas and share all this with me? I want to believe in the “if you love something let it go if it comes back it was meant to be” mentality. Your advice about healing taking time, I believe that, but thats something I want him to understand too!

I will keep you updated if there are any changes. (hopefully for the better) I recommended your site to my friend, you truly have helped me out through a difficult time in my life. THANK YOU.

[April Masini]

You’re welcome. 😀

Remember that it’s impossible to be in a relationship with someone who’s all over the place. And right now, he’s all over the place, emotionally. Giving him space — which also gives you space — is the best thing you can do. You can’t help him right now. In fact, by giving him your friendship NOW, you’re enabling him instead of giving him the opportunity to figure this out on his own and gain strength from that process.

It’s not wrong to still have feelings for him, but it is wrong to invest yourself in someone who’s not available or compatible and right now he’s not available and he’s not compatible. YOU know that healing takes time. It’s his job to figure it out for himself. His rushing — or trying to rush things — is immaturity and wanting a quick fix. Step back and heal yourself. 🙂 You’re giving him a gift by doing so — even if he doesn’t see it now.

[jaykaycee]

Hi April,
its been a month since I talked to you last. I took your advice and gave us some space. I told him good bye and good luck and that I we would not speak again unless he was single. Short and sweet. Because of the lack of communication that my ex and I used to share, it didnt take long before he broke up with her. So he immediately starts to call and text. And at first I’m not responding because I’m unaware he’s broken up. So after numerous attempts to get in touch with me, he calls me from a number I don’t know and I picked up his call. I told him that I meant what I said about him talking behind his ex’s back and he stated that he respected that . So he explains that he broke it off with her, and that if I could find it in my heart to let him work on becoming friends again, it would me alot. I told him that it would be hard work and take time and he said he understood. He also said he knows he put alot of his shit on me and that he would go to counselling to help himself be a better person.
So the first few days, hes texting me everyday, about anything and everything. Im unresponsive at first because i know the first couple of weeks of ANY breakup are messy and I’m sure he’s dealing with his ex while trying to woo me. (swearing hes looking to be my FRIEND) As the week goes, I start to respond to things a bit more. And then he asks if we could meet up and talk, and i said i’d think about it. At the end of the week, I decide to meet up, we plan for sunday, because he wants to take the dog to the dog park and catch up. He’s excited about it, talking about it and then Sunday arrives and he calls to cancel. He’s upset, he says that his Ex is making this really difficult. I explained that maybe meeting up isnt a good idea, that he needs to take time to himself and not speak to either of his Ex’s at this point. He’s upset on the verge of tears and keeps asking if i intend to be his friend. I say, time will tell, actions speak louder than words (because I want him to earn back my friendship and not just get it back because he’s asking) Also remembering that you advised me to give him space and not just do and say what he wants. So I sent him a lengthy text after we got off the phone saying that I know hes in a bad spot right now and what he needs right now is space and time to sort out his own stuff, catch up with friends and then reevaluate everything when his head is clear. that if he values my friendship that the first act to prove that its true would to take my advice and not be manipulated by anyone and just listen to his own intuition. That if he still feels this way after some space then we can move from there.

I didn’t hear from him and then a few days ago I hear that he’s gotten back with his Ex. A mutual friend said that she took the breakup very badly and called all the time and showed up to at his place on the day he was suppose to see me , and that whatever was said, he must have caved to her pleads. I’m not making excuses for his actions, he should have never involved me in this situation and I know I have to take responsibility for responding to him after their breakup, but what I don’t understand is why did this happen? I’m pretty certain his Ex is not privy to whom he was speaking with when they broke up, but I think her suspicions point to me, because now I have a few fake facebook profiles that were created in the past day or so trying to friend me. I never gave him the impression that I wouldn’t be friends with him but I also didn’t want to give him the satisfaction that I would just cave to his desires right now either. Part of me is really hurt that he obviously didn’t mean it about being my friend, and as upset as he was over the phone, he still went back to her and now its as if the breakup didn’t happen. I haven’t talk to him and don’t plan to, but I still would like someone to talk to about this, so here I am. How is it that guys are WILLING participants of being manipulated by some girls and yet he keeps trying to persuade me to understand that I mean so much to him? That the break up was for me.

Am I crazy or am I involved with crazy?

[April Masini]

[quote]How is it that guys are WILLING participants of being manipulated by some girls and yet he keeps trying to persuade me to understand that I mean so much to him? That the break up was for me. Am I crazy or am I involved with crazy?[/quote]

He’s trying to have his cake and eat it, too. It’s an old adage because it’s old behavior. 😕 He’s trying to take care of himself, first and foremost. Not you. Him. You’re not crazy, but you’re continuing to keep company with someone who behaves a certain way, and you’re expecting him to be someone he’s not. 😳

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