[sawhme]

I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for 7 months now. he is in university and studying very hard for exams at the moment. This is really starting to kill me because he never has time for me anymore, mot even to make a call or text me. He even has the nerve to say “I don’t want to see you for 2 weeks, don’t even come over.” He has been so cold to me lately. I feel like im throwing myself at him and getting nothing in return. I always make time for him and I’m in college and passing all my classes with high marks. I don’t want to be with someone who is too busy to even talk to me at least once a day. what should I do or say? I love him and I don’t want to break up but im so hurt right now I don’t know what to think.

[April Masini]

Assuming your boyfriend is being honest with you, and is truly studying, you need to be more understanding. 😕 Just because you’re able to handle a full load of college courses and have a social life, doesn’t mean your boyfriend can. He’s being clear with you that he needs time to study — and in his case, he needs two weeks of uninterrupted study time. He’s putting his college career first right now, and although you don’t like it, you’ve got to respect him for his focus and drive. At least give it a try!

If his lifestyle and goals aren’t compatible with yours — or else you want someone who can handle school and seeing you at the same time, then you’re with the wrong guy! 😳 In fact, you said it yourself when you wrote: “I don’t want to be with someone who is too busy to even talk to me at least once a day.” Well, then don’t be with him. Move on. It’s really that simple.

You can’t make him be someone he’s not — and you can’t make yourself be someone you’re not. If you don’t want to break up with him, accept him and his study habits. If you don’t want someone with his study habits, the break up with him!

I’m sorry this is difficult for you, but there are lots of men who are great guys who work long hours and don’t see their girlfriends or wives every day, or only for a little because their careers are so consuming. The successful relationships with these men work out because the women understand and accept their men. If you’re not a woman like this, that’s okay, but then pick a different guy to be with.

[sawhme]

Well I think I am very understanding and very mature about it. And I have given him lots of space too. We always work through our differences and that why I know we’re gonna last for a very long time. We spoke last night and apparently I misunderstood him because he didn’t mean it when he said he didn’t wanna see me or want me to call. Apparently he was JOKING. We both have problems with telling when the other is joking or not..I don’t know that’s just how our personalities are. So he pretty much said that he does want to talk to me everyday and he does want to see me at least once a week. I had an issue with everytime I would go over he would ignore me and do his hmk even though he agreed to spend time with me. I’m not trying to change him, and im very proud of what he’s doing because im comparison to his friends, he will be the most successful in life. There’s no way I’m going to consder breaking up with him because this isn’t a big probem for us. A bug problem would be him cheating or lying to me. We have a really strong bond and we tell eachother everything as best friends would. I might not be the strongest woman to handle, but you’re right, it’s not my fault im like this, its just who I am, its part of my personality. But he says he’s willing to accept me for that and I am willing to put up with these long hours of separation. | don’t want anyone thinking im selfish because I do give him all the time in the world but I have to admit he does have really bad time management and organization skills which also cuts into our together time. I know everything will work out though, things always do.

[April Masini]

Wow — I’m glad that you and he cleared up that miscommunication!! Next time he’s joking tell him to give you a head’s up that what he’s about to say is just a joke! 😆

It sounds like the two of you are on a great path together, and you are both making compromises to make your differences work out.

Good luck!! 😀

[sawhme]

Yeah well i’m very bad at telling when he jokes around which caused me like a whole day of sadness. Thanks for helping though 🙂

[April Masini]

You know, a sense of humor has a lot to do with the way people think and process ideas. Some people are very literal in life. They put together information in a linear way. This makes it hard for them to get jokes that have multiple reference points. Other people who are not linear in life (usually sloppy people who are creative thinkers) have senses of humor that rely on multiple reference points with multiple meanings simultaneously. They see nuances right away that linear thinkers don’t see.

You and your boyfriend may have this difference between you if you’re a linear thinker who is literal in the way she processes information, and he’s a multi-layered reference point guy who sees nuances and patterns in chaos, and just thinks — and jokes — differently than you do.

Keep the channels of communication open with him, and understand that often people who are different in this way, still make great partners together! In fact, the inability to get his jokes can become a joke in itself, if you’re secure enough to laugh at yourself (which is healthy!).

[sawhme]

Yeah I do laugh at it sometimes, but most of the times when I don’t get his jokes I am left confused. I realized it’s the way his tone of voice is that makes me misunderstand his jokes. It’s weird because I can get other people’s jokes and his are just so ‘serious’ sounding. I also often laugh at his inability to get his jokes across to me, because yes we do in fact have VERY different senses of humour, and I don’t see why he laughs or finds certain things funny that I would find simply annoying.

[April Masini]

As long as you can laugh at your differences, you’re making the best of the situation — and that’s always a good thing! 😀

[sawhme]

Let’s hope so! It’s funny because in the beginning we were talking about how great we got along with eachother and how similar our personalities were, but then we pointed out that with time, we will both discover things we don’t like about eachother. Of course, time has gone by and we definitley found some unlikable things. So I understand we’re not perfect, nobody is. These differences between us may cause confusion, sadness, anger, stress, and frusration but eventually we should learn to accept them and try to work around those differences by compromising. Thanks for your help!

[April Masini]

You bet!

I’m really glad I could help and that you seem to have a good handle on things now. 😀

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