boyfriend too uninterested in my personal activities

[lotsalala]

24 months we’ve been together, but it really keeps on bugging me that until now I find it hard to invite or involve my boyfriend in my personal activities.. I have been there for him whenever he invites me to their family gatherings, I have been out of town with them also and I am already “comfortable” with his family. He’s really comfortable with his friends. But when it comes to my side, I find it hard to convince him, or he’ll tell me the same reasons over and over again..

For example..
Whenever he gets bored and asks me: Let’s go out, do your friends have plans?
I tell him: Yup, Anne is inviting us to come over.
And he tells me: Nah, that’s too far, let’s just stay home instead.

That’s usally his reason when I give him suggestions.. but why would he ask me if he’d decline anyway.. 😕 (well for one, I have accepted the fact that sometimes he’s like a woman who changes his mind easily.. but sometimes it’s still irritating 😆)

Another thing is that when we have family gatherings, he becomes too shy to attend. And now my family has been asking my why he hasn’t dropped by for a long time.. my sister has already talked to me that it seems that i’m the one doing the most effort when it comes to gatherings because I attend whenever he invites me but it’s not the same the other way around.. (and in a way I think my sister and my mom have become controlling about that..)

I’m really confused why he’s shy when it comes to my activities especially when it comes to my family.. He goes with me in my activities but that’s a rare case… so now I have gotten used to not inviting him because I know he’s not interested anyway.. But I find pressure when my family tries to make me invite him to our gatherings.. How do I start a conversation with him about that without him being defensive and all? Thanks.. 😕

[April Masini]

The way to ask him to attend your family gatherings without being defensive is to let him know you’re hurt. For some people switching gears from fighting and being aggressive or defensive to letting down one’s guard and showing their true colors is hard. Tell him you’re really hurt that he won’t go to your family events. Then, when he responds, listen without fighting. Don’t start engaging — really hear his response.

If he doesn’t care about your feelings, you may not be with Mr. Right. Taking your relationship from dating for two years to the next step is going to require blending family and friends and avoiding these steps may be his ways of not moving further with you. That’s what you need to be on the lookout for!

[lotsalala]

I talked to him yesterday.. I did not literally say that I was hurt by what he did but he read it.. he was comforting me the whole time when he met me after our family dinner. I saw in him that he was guilty and all but I still think that that’s not enough to make up for the countless times that he has declined going with me in my personal activities.. I hope to see action..

By the way, I forgot to mention that even in his family, he’s not really the type that’s always present when there is an occassion… but when he attends these occassions, he’ll invite me to be with him.. and the reason why he became that way to my side is that there was a time before when my mother kinda asked a lot of questions to him which made him feel overwhelmed and felt that he was being interrogated. I felt that too because I was there when they were talking and I myself found it really awkward.. I knew I’d feel the same whay if I’m in his shoes.. But I still think that he should be man enough to face those things, I just don’t know how to subtly tell that message to him…..or am I being unreasonable?

[April Masini]

Invite him to a family event — your family that is! — and tell him it would mean a lot to you if he will go with you. This gives him an opportunity to make it up to you. Until there’s actually a family event for him to attend you’re going to feel rotten, so give him an opportunity to change his behavior, and make sure you are clear that you’d like him to come; you’re hut he hasn’t up to now; and that this means a lot to you. Don’t fight with him and don’t engage him in any dynamic that puts him on the defense. Simply offer him an invitation and your feelings.

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