[relationshipa1]

My now ex-boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years, and living together for over a year. I am very in love with him, he has made me happier than I ever could have imagined, and on top of that he is by far the best friend I have ever had. It was basically like we were married, we paid all of our bills together, and got a dog together. Anyways he says he is still in love with me, and that he can see himself spending the rest of his life with me, and that he wants to also, but that he just not sure if he is ready for it, which I can completely understand. He is 21 and I am 22. He says he just wants to be able to go out and do whatever he wants, and not worry about how it affects me. He says that he wants to get back together, but he has no idea when he will be ready. I can understand why he feels this way because he is young, and he moved out of his moms place and in with me. I have been on my own for 4 years and am definitely past that stage in my life, and I guess he just needs to go through it. I am obviously devastated because it changes everything for me. Bills will obviously get harder to pay, and I just lost my job, and I am definitely loosing the best friend I have ever had. The problem I am having though is we are still seeing each other every day, and doing most of the exact same things that we would be doing while we were together. We still watch all of our TV shows together, I will cook dinner, and we will cuddle. He also says that he still wants to spend a lot of time with me too because we are such good friends. I am starting to realize that it isn’t a good thing for me to spend all of this time with him because he is getting exactly what he wants, he gets to be single, yet have the comfort of always having me around and knowing that I am always going to be there for him, yet I don’t get to have the satisfaction of having him as a boyfriend. I still love spending time with him, and it makes me very happy, but in the long run I can’t tell how it will affect me him and the relationship. Is spending all this time together a good/bad thing? If I would cut him off from seeing me would that maybe make him realize that he misses me and that he wants to be together?

[Anonymous]

I know that you love him and that having to do this is going to be really hard to hear, but you need to give him his freedom. He wants to be free,free from this committed relationship with you .Its not you , he still cares about you but he cares about himself more. He will continue to see you, spend time with you, etc and then do what he wants to do when you’re not around. He will have his cake and eat it too. As long as you are spending time with him, you are putting off the inevitable. The only way you are going to get over him is to stop seeing him, talking to him, etc. You may not be able to do this cold turkey, but you have got to stop acting like his girlfriend. He needs to be clear that he has chosen to end the relationship and that the benefit of having a girlfriend is over. You want to cook, snuggle and pay the bills for someone who is willing to give up his “freedom” to be with you. The guy that can’t wait to come home to be with his girlfriend, not the guy who wants to go out and do whatever he wants and not affect you. Be with the guy who deserves you and appreciates you! I can tell that you know this, just by what you said in your question. I just want to confirm that you are right. You are way ahead of him in life, you have been on your own for four years and he still has a lot of growing up to do.I promise , with time you will get over him. You are young and you will meet someone else, you have your whole life ahead of you. You just need to focus on you, go get a job, hang out with the girls, make new friends. Focus on making yourself happy, he is.

[April Masini]

You’re right that your ex (?) boyfriend with whom you’re living with, is getting his cake and eating it, too. Lots of men want a woman they can come home to, and to go out and date or sleep with other women if they want to, also! The problem is he is making it clear he doesn’t want to marry you or be faithful to you — and you’re not going to be able to start dating other men as long as you’re still living with your ex-boyfriend.

The answer is pretty clear. You need to move out and deal with your financial challenges of paying the bills without him. It’s only when you’re available to men that they will begin to ask you out. What you’ve got now is a win-win for him and a no-win for you. 🙁

Next time around, I wouldn’t suggest moving in with a guy who’s never lived on his own, and is moving from his parent’s home to one with you. As you now know, extricating yourself from a live in relationship is a lot harder than just breaking up, so get your own house in order, and raise your dating bar a little higher next time.

I hope this helps — and good luck! 🙂

[Author]

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