[elina]

I met my boyfriend on a dating website. We exchanged several emails before we met and the chemistry was incredible. I am an actress by profession, and struggling but am generally very confident and attractive in my demeanour. I am aware I strike men as a very intelligent and self assured woman and that tends to put some men off as well (comes across as intimidating sometimes?).

Our first date made me see that he was the opposite. His body language was not self assured, he did not even offer to pay on the first date but the conversation was so natural, we instantly had a great connection. Right at the end he dropped words like ‘if we had a flat together it would be easier’… these things threw me off quite a bit, seeing how emotionally smitten he was instantly but I was very confused due to the emotional connection we’d already established via email.

I proposed a date immediately the day after, he seemed genuinely nice as a person but I wasn’t able to physically feel any attraction. A third date followed and that is when I realized how attracted I was to him. He lives with his parents (he is 27 and is trying to save up..) earns well, has only been in one relationship which he called off because he say he shouldn’t have got in it in the first place and the girl got very ‘clingy’ and it hurt him.

My background would help too – I stay in the UK and am of Asian origin and the home office here has played up such that I recently discovered I will have to take the situation to the court and fight for the visa I was due. If I lost, I would have to leave in a few weeks. I have had three relationships in the past, one long term and all my experiences with men have been quite negative hence I am more inclined towards seeing the person’s heart than the frills.

I laid the ground in the third date and was honest that I wasn’t going to engage in premarital sex plus there was a visa issue. He was left confounded but soon said something like ‘what if this is meant to be..’. I thought he was crazy but insisted we see how things go.

the chemistry was great, he was caring and kept highlight how he felt I came across as a woman who would make a great mother as I usually am very caring and open hearted. Some meetings on he told me he was in love with me, and quickly it fell into wanting to spend his life with me. I suggested he come over to meet my family, he came but didn’t do what he said he was intending to – talk to them about being with me. I dug him and told him he hadn’t asked me about whether I wanted spend my life with him or not and the next day he came to tell me ‘I want to marry you’. He soon said we’ll sort flat and stuff later but right now we can get married on paper and keep us together, ceremonies will follow. He said a ring will come soon and that he’d speak with his parents the weekend. I have been to his place a few times and his parents adore me, so I genuinely was happy that way.

I suggested that we should see my parents, which he wasn’t too keen on but he came, very nervous and my parents were delighted to see us happy so all was well.

He never spoke to his parents, there was no ring yet and I started panicking soon. My future was now sort of depending on him and my past experiences has made me very skeptical of men so I began to constantly dig him, suggesting maybe we weren’t doing the right thing, maybe we weren’t meant to be etc. He would suggest I needed to put my mind to rest etc but soon the bubble burst. he said he wasn’t sure of us anymore and didn’t know what to do. He loved me but didn’t see marriage happening. He confessed he felt he was hasty and that he hadn’t told his family about commitment because it would feel too early for them all. He suggested we call it off because continuing until I left would hurt even more.

I suggested he borrow some more time as another hasty decision would be bad and he said ok and we said goodbye. A week later he called, to dig if I was ok and if I was able to sleep well, as he said he wasn’t able to, but wasn’t ready for marriage. I told him the visa thing was not issue, the issue was whether we wanted to be together or not and he hung up not suggesting a meeting. I invited a forced meeting a week later and he came, told me from our phone conversation he felt i was doing ‘OK without him’, and I threw in immature words like ‘you could be playing around with me before I leave’. He said he had to go and he left. Later that night it came to me that he was probably feeling that I had tricked him into this for visa reasons and I felt so horrible and next day I travelled the town to reach his train station to tell him I wanted to see him then and there. He came to see me, looked happy but I began the ‘talk’ and cried saying I wasn’t doing it for visas, I was genuinely in love with him. Words like ‘this is getting so stressful’ and ‘now I am going to start getting these doubts’ came out and thats when it clicked what went wrong. He said of course he wanted me and ‘us’ felt special. But he had also spent the previous 20 days in silence, avoiding me.

I was back home very heavy – i had planted doubts in his head because of my own past experiences, I left him a very long voicemail telling him I was happy I’d found out what went wrong between us and that I was genuinely willing to make a change, and also sent him an ecard apologizing for doubting him so much. No answer, I was sure he’d deleted them.

Come weekend I forcefully called him for a diff number and suggested a meeting, he never responded and in the morning he text me saying he wanted to be alone. I was determined for a final good meeting where there was nothing unpleasant and that we did not speak aobut ‘us’. I travelled all the way but he refused to take me to his place, seemed distant and agitated but was generally smiling like his usual self while we walked in a park. There was absolutely no physical contact and I did not bring anything up, making sure it was a good hour. He accompanied me back to the train station and I said I knew I was being shameless but I was intent on spending the full day. He politely said no and said he could take a day off, or we could plan the next weekend. We kissed goodbye, he said he would see me soon, I said see you and that was that. No word from him again. I haven’t attempted any contact any more either, it’s been two weeks.

Reviewing things in my head now I see exactly what went wrong and that we were both immature to rush things and that i pinned things down too much and came across as needy too. I just don’t know what to do anymore because together we seem perfect, we were genuinely happy together before things got so ‘stressful’. I genuinely want to restore things to good but feel very helpless. Of course the visa uncertainty looms and I don’t know my future in the country but is there no way things could get back to the initial phase?

[maelene87]

You pretty much know what you did wrong so I would give him some space right, it seems like you do a lot of initiating as well, arranging meeting and contacting him making the situation worse. Give him a lot of time to think about what he wants to do and everything else will fall into place.

[April Masini]

You’re trying to turn this guy who isn’t right for you into someone he’s not. 😕 He didn’t pay for the first date. 😕 He didn’t ask you out on a second one, so YOU did the asking. 😮 On the third date you “laid the groundwork” and the rules for the relationship — including your need for a visa. 😯 You ignored the fact that he was 27 years old and still living at home with his mother — clearly a sign he’s not ready for a relationship let alone a marriage! 🙄

This relationship was doomed for a break up from day one. I’m sorry to be harsh, but you really need to understand HOW to find Mr. Right because everything you’re doing is going to lead you down a path of serial dates and relationships. You’re wasting your time by not looking for what you really want and need, and instead fooling yourself into thinking you have it, when you don’t.

You should read Think & Date Like A Man, that you can download at this link: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. This book that I’ve written for women who want to find, get and KEEP Mr. Right 😉 really works, and it’s going to help you a lot. It’s a quick read and I hope you’ll invest the time in yourself to read it.

As for your question about how do you get back to the initial phase — you mean the one where he doesn’t pay for the first date?? 😕 — you don’t want to go there because it’s going to lead you right back to where you are now. Start looking for someone who is READY for a relationship, and when you read the book, you’ll understand the signs that he’s ready — and those that tell you he’s clearly not.

I hope that helps. Join me on Facebook — I have a group page called AskApril.com on Facebook that you can access right here: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url]. 😀

[elina]

Thanks for your advice, April and maelene87.

I agree with both of you – given the current situation the only thing that would probably warrant a contact from me again would be should my visa situation get sorted. I am thinking if he really is someone who would want to take initiative or do something about us then he might react. Or perhaps I have to accept he has chickened out without goodbye realizing the ‘responsibility’ of relationship and that I will probably never hear back from him again.

What you say April, absolutely makes sense and I had given it some thought in the initial phase. His persuasion was strong so I gave in and strayed from being objective 🙁

But we did have open communication and some days later I highlighted to him that not paying on first date, not taking initiative were things that weren’t going to go down with me. He suggested he was willing to make a change but you never change a man, as you say, so I had thought with time I’ll be able to evaluate better. But then he came back proposing and that is when I made the mistake giving in.

I completely agree with his readiness for a relationship but I personally also feel that readiness is a state of mind. I don’t know if time away from me might give him a better perspective on things and make him review what went wrong. If his willingness is strong and if he intends to come back then I would like to hope there will be some radical changes. Should that happen, I’d like to keep my fingers from burning again and take all my time.

But all this only if he changes his mind and comes back. If he is self centred enough to chicken out without explanations and if I can become nobody from his ‘the one’ overnight, then suffices to say I want to be selfish too and re-evaluate the situ, and see if he fits the bill. And as you say, April, it’s not been very impressive so far although I have been giving him the benefit of doubt of being utterly genuine and that has been rare find for me. I have therefore refrained from judging him too much on dating ethics but they do have a good weight.

I will definitely grab hold of the book you mention, it should make an interesting read. Meanwhile, I need to focus on myself, I think, and keep my doors open for other potential (only after I sort my visa, this time!). If I am thinking on the wrong lines, please advise! 🙂

[April Masini]

You need to read my book NOW!! It’s going to clear up a LOT of misconceptions you have about relationships. Download it here: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. It’s only $15.95 — which is a remarkable investment for you! 😆 And you can read it right away.

To understand how to be successful in relationships you have to better understand how they work. Being ready for a serious relationship is NOT a “state of mind” as you put it. It’s a real set of circumstances that you can check off and see if your man is ready. Being in a certain place in his career is definitely one way you can tell if he’s ready for a serious relationship. The book will tell you the others. 😉

You should never have to “highlight” his not paying for a first date. Instead, you should take note that he doesn’t feel strongly enough about you to want to treat you to a date. Men who are ready to be in a serious relationship will do this without your having to tell them “it’s not going to go down” like that with you. 😕

I know you think that by you continuing to give him the benefit of the doubt you’re doing something good. Wrong. You’re not dating smart. You already know this guy and he’s proved to you he’s not Mr. Right. Read Think & Date Like A Man, and understand how dating works so you don’t waste your time! 🙂

And join me on Facebook — I haven’t seen you there. You can click through and request free membership at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url]. 😀

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