[SunnyFlorida]

After dating for over one year (and living together for about half a year), my ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago. I looked at her phone and saw she was communciating and spending time with a male friend. Turns out they’re close friends but I jumped to conclusions because he was constantly texting her, emailing her and facebook msgs. I am sure he likes her and flirts with her but I don’t think she has any feelings for him. They have brunch every now and then and go to dinner together with mutual friends. I know there was no indiscretion but I became concerned and jellous. Looking back I should not have been concerened at all because she spends most, if not, of her free time with me. But things got heated and we hurt each other’s feelings and parted ways. She said time and space part will heal her open wounds. I apologized for jumping to conclusions and violating her privacy. We both love and care for one another very much and had plans to get engaged next year. We recently traveled together, had a great time and so much fun! We’re best friends and support one another in so many different ways. What do you make of this break up? Is it over, should I move on or give it time?

Recently, I received an invite from my ex inviting me to an event she’s hosting. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in 3 weeks, so am confused on whether I should attend. I’ve always supported her events and dont see any reason not to go. It’s for a great cause. I know that many people will be there and we will likely not have a chance to talk much, other than to say hello, but my support will mean a lot to her. Thoughts? Thanks . . .

[April Masini]

Next time you find yourself thinking that a girlfriend is cheating on you, rather than just jump to a breakup, the step you missed was asking her about her contact with the other guy, expressing your feelings about her contact with the other guy, and allowing her to make any adjustments in her contact with the other guy considering your expressed feelings.

I’m not sure how old the two of you are, but if you’re “of marrying age,” and this is on both of your minds — or even just her mind, she may have considered herself still single in spite of your dating for a year and living together for 6 months, because there was no ring on her finger and no wedding date set. And frankly, she was right.

In answer to your questions, it sounds like your break up has stuck, since I assume she’s moved out (or you moved out), so you are officially broken up. I’m not sure why you’re asking me if you should give the relationship more time, because it appears that you already “parted ways”. You should assume she may be dating other people now. If you want to try and win her back, I think it’s not too late for you to try, but you have to get your compulsive behavior under control. Just because you have feelings doesn’t mean you need to act on them as if they are the most important thing in the relationship. Facts matter, communication matters, the truth matters, and her feelings matter — all just as much as your feelings. It really sounds like the blow up you had with your ex, that led to your parting ways, was entirely fueled by your need to vent and express your emotions, rather than getting to the bottom of what was going on with her, and what was missing in your relationship together that made her want to be with this other guy, even if they weren’t having sex.

As for you wanting my thoughts on the invitation you received from your ex-girlfriend to a group event she’s hosting, I wouldn’t read too much into it. While you talk about being best friends, you didn’t treat her like a best friend, and she didn’t treat you like a best friend. Not from where I sit. In addition to which, I doubt she’s looking for a best friend in you. What she’s looking for is a boyfriend who will become a fiance, and then a husband. And I suspect that you’re fooling yourself by calling her a best friend, when the truth is, if all she was was your best friend, there should have been no problem with her having other men in her life — like the guy you were jealous of. I’d encourage you to separate out your friends, best friends, and romantic relationships from each other. You’ll be a lot less confused (and confusing). If you want to go to the event she’s invited you to, you should, but don’t pretend it’s a date. In fact, be prepared for the other guy to be there, as well as other men who are interested in her, or whom she’s interested in, as well.

If you want to ask her out on a date, make that clear — for both of you!

I hope that helps.

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