[meesh83]

Should I forgive him and How?

I’m 26 and have been dating my bf for 6 years. He is my first love, and aside from a very stupid decision just before we were officially dating (which I never told him about), he is the only one I’ve ever slept with.
I broke up with him at the beginning of August, because he was acting like a stranger to me.

We were broken up for one month, in this time we were still sleeping together . I asked him if he had slept with anyone else, he SWORE up and down he wasn’t.
(I really believe in monogamy and believe that its a full disclosure policy if you’re sleeping with somone)

We decided to give it another go in about mid September.
Then someone told him about my “mishap” …and he flipped.

Anyways, he found out about my mistake from before we were together officially and two weeks after putting up with the worst guilt trips of my life; he blurts out that he slept with someone while we were broken up but still sleeping together! The whole time I asked him because i didn’t want to be sleeping with him if he was sleeping with other people.

The worst part about it is that it happened 3 times with this girl who I’ve met a few times and KNEW she was after him when we were dating. She would flirt with him right in front of me!! It was women’s intuition and he knew I couldn’t stand her. Which leaves me questioning whether or not this started up before we had broken up.
He SWORE he never cheated on me… but emotinally he was, and if he lied to me about this how do i know he’s not lying about her?

I’m so hurt over all of it…but to find out it was this stupid disrespectful b****, I’m having an even harder time.
She still hangs out with his brother and his gf…so she is around now and then.

Is it a bad idea for me to tell her to stay away from him? or should telling him be enough?

It happened three times, none of these times did he wear protection!!
*I’ve already been for an emergency STD check.

He really does feel horrible and before I knew about this we were planning on going to some counseling to learn how to communicate with each other more effectively, and learn to deal with some of our normal issues (kind of like premarital).

Here’s what I need to know…

1. Should I feel cheated on?
2. Is this even remotely forgivable, since he’s generally not this type (If you were in my shoes)
3. Is this a typical way that guys deal with a break up?
4. The girl knew/knows me… should I say anything to her?
5. How can I figure out if this is something I can move past? (before we spend $100/hr on counseling)
6. What would you do?

Thank you SOO MUCH! I REALLY hope you’ll find a little time to help me out! This is a grey area that a lot of people seem to find themselves faced with… and I’m really confused.

I guess its just really hard on me because he lied to me about it and put my health at risk.

I dont understand how someone can move into sex with someone else so quickly when we were practically married (we owned a home together and lived together for 4 yrs; we were the same as a married couple without the ring)

[April Masini]

I believe you that you can forgive your boyfriend, but I’m not sure if you will be able to, so let me try and answer your questions and explain why I’ve given you these answers.

Your idea of a break up was really kooky. 😕 You can’t be broken up and sleep together and expect things to be non-dramatic. He had every right to sleep with the other woman while the two of you were broken up. A break up means freedom, and he was granted that freedom by the two of you agreeing on a break up. If you really wanted a clean break up, then you wouldn’t have slept with him during that time — which is normally what a break up implies. If all you really wanted was to express your anger about his emotional distance, then a fight within the relationship would have worked better for you. But now, although you’ve checked yourself for STDs, the problem of a possible pregnancy looms, since your boyfriend did not use birth control on any of the (allegedly) three times he slept with the other woman. (What was he thinking?? 😮 )

Also, your sweeping statement about your belief in “full disclosure” during a monogamous relationship is kind of hypocritical, since you never disclosed your past, knowing it would upset your boyfriend. I think you’re just upset that your boyfriend slept with someone else while you were expecting monogamy during a break up, and now you’re quoting theories about relationships to support your position. Sorry — that doesn’t work. A break up is a break up. 🙁 You were both free to date and sleep with other people during that time.

Now that you’ve found out about this other woman, and you’re steamed, feeling betrayed, and hurt that she’s still around (and possibly pregnant with his child), your anger at her is misplaced. She didn’t do anything wrong. He’s not married, and she’s free to flirt and date him during break ups. The problem isn’t her. It’s him. If you confront her, you’re misplacing your energy, and you’re just going to give her more reason to want to connect with your boyfriend (they can gossip about your bad behavior), so just ignore her. Don’t give her the time of day, and don’t confront her. Anything that needs to be worked out with your boyfriend is between the two of you.

Lastly, although you have invested 4 years in this relationship and have a house together, you are not married, and if you were married, this would be a marriage verging on a divorce, given your recent separation, so just because you’ve been together “like a married couple” doesn’t mean this relationship is bulletproof.

One problem that was festering within your relationship before all this drama brought on by the “break up” was that you felt for some reason you couldn’t tell him that you’d slept with someone before the two of you were dating. While this admission may have disappointed him, because most guys like to feel like they’re the only one to have “had” their woman, the reality is that what you did was normal, and it would have been easier for you to have been honest with him about something that he didn’t like, then to hide it from him and have him find out from someone else, adding a lie to the disappointing behavior. So for future, remember that honesty is usually the best policy within intimate relationships. In fact, [i]honesty deepens intimacy.[/i]

But more importantly to me, is that you broke up with your boyfriend in August because he was acting like a stranger to you. What was that about? I think that that is where your problems began — and possibly will end. All this drama in between is possibly just a way for you to distract yourself from the real issue — that he lost interest in the relationship. If you do get past this present chaos, and you do decide you want to give it another try (which is possible — if you both want the same thing), the question remains, where is his head in all this? Was he really wanting to get out of the relationship, but not wanting to give up the sex or security “having a girlfriend and a home together” provided him?

It’s one thing for you to have standards, values and feelings, but in a relationship, both people have to want to make things work. If he’s not “in” then you’re going to have more chaos ahead of you.

I hope that helps.

[meesh83]

Thank you April,

By far the most thorough response I’ve received, and you’ve definitely given me some food for thought.

He really is in it and we’re planing on seeking some couples council ling to help to work on the issues we had that ultimately led to the breakup. (Communication, money management, sex etc…).

Just one thing… you say I shouldn’t say anything to the girl… but what if she’s hanging around his family a little too much? Should I tell her to back off? Or leave it be? I know I can trust him and I know he will avoid any situation where she is… but when’s the time to have her back off?

Thank you again! You’re the best!

[April Masini]

Thank you for your kind words. It’s always nice to hear that I’ve helped! 🙂

As for your question about this other woman, your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, hanging around his family, I would strongly caution you not to intervene even if you don’t like it. You will be stepping into business that is not yours if you do.

Even though you’ve been dating your boyfriend for 6 years, and have been living together for 4, you’re still not officially family. You’re the girlfriend, and not the wife. If his family wants to entertain her or socialize with her, that’s between she and them. If she’s hanging around your boyfriend then that’s an issue between you and your boyfriend, not you and her. You should not confront her in any way, because you don’t have “authority” over what she does. She really is free to socialize with whomever she wants.

If you do start to tell her to back off, and she doesn’t, you’re going to find yourself even more frustrated and angry. This is something your boyfriend should handle, not you.

Hopefully, she won’t get what she wants by hanging out with his family — which would be your boyfriend — and will eventually go away because there’s nothing for her in time spent with his family. That’s the best case scenario. My guess is that she’s hanging out with his family because she either thinks she has a shot at him, still, or that she’s trying to get under your skin by rubbing your face in her presence. When she realizes she’s not going to get your boyfriend or your attention, she’ll go elsewhere.

I hope that helps!

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