Can’t stop thinking about it…

[Sassyclassy73]

My husband has not gotten over finding out about me being intimate with 2 of my guy friends he met. The encounters occured YEARS ago….long before I met him. He felt betrayed I introduced him and allowed him to hang out with them when we started dating. He states he can’t stop imagining me with them and it REALLY works him mentally and emotinally. To say the least this has caused us to have problems with trust…I stoped my friendships with the people he knows about. My concern is that my husband, after 3 years, has yet not gotten over this. As a result he cheated on me 2 years ago, and says is because I broke his heart when I admited the truth to him (he insisted in wanting to know). I want a life with him, but dont want both of us to be miserable over something that occured in my life almost 2 decades ago. What to do?

[April Masini]

I don’t think there is anything you can do to change your husband. 😳

I’m not sure how long you dated prior to marrying him, but it would have been ideal if you could have found out about this problem then.

It’s unreasonable for any man (or woman for that matter) to allow his wife’s dating prior to marriage to interfere with their relationship so that it creates trust issues. In fact, I think he probably has his own trust issues that predate you that this is all about. He’s most likely projecting his issues onto you. You may not have realized that up to now, but clearly, this isn’t about you or anything you did — because you really didn’t do anything. That he had to cheat on you in the marriage to even the score is pretty unwarranted. In fact, if anyone should be upset, I would think you’re the one with just cause over this episode of his cheating. 😕

You’re right — you shouldn’t have to be upset about men you slept with decades ago before you knew your husband, and frankly, I get that sometimes people are jealous, but if these men aren’t in your life, and he’s IMAGINING them with you, this is a problem HE has and one that you can’t help him with. Just keep your side of the street clean, and if the problem doesn’t resolve, I think you’ll have to accept this marriage isn’t going to be an easy one.

I hope that helps. 🙂

[stjaba]

I agree with April on this one…

To me, the most upsetting thing in your post is the fact that he blames you for his infidelity, or at the least uses your behavior as an excuse for his bad behavior. That seems like a really strong warning sign.

In my previous relationship, I was also forced to give up a female friend – and I hadn’t even had a relationship with that person. I really regretted that, and since my divorce was very happy to reestablish that friendship. I’m not quite sure where I stand on friendships with former boyfriends/girlfriends, but it seems to me that in a trusting relationship, you should be able to maintain friendships like that without it tearing you apart, as long as the friendship is reasonably casual. (I mean, if you’re texting your ex-boyfriends fifty times a day, or hanging out with them alone, that’s over the line…)

Personally, I would seriously recommend you two get into counseling, because you can bet your boots this issue is going to come up again.

~stjaba

[Sassyclassy73]

Hi April,

WOW! Thank you so much for the reply. My close friends have said the same thing…just needed a professional to clarify the fact that it is HIS problem. The thing is …is that HE himself says it now…that HE is the one with the issue, because I am a GREAT woman and have all the qualities he ever wanted in a woman, just that he is stuck on the whole situation 😥 He has allso always admited to having trust issues…so you hit that one on the head as well. I know IF this marriage/relationship makes it, it will be an uphill battle, and maybe a miracle from God. I am HURTFULLY and PAINFULLY preparing myself to be a single woman again…I am inlove with him, but also realize that if one of us is stagnant and not happy we can’t ever move forward 😳

I appreciate your advice…and THANK YOU…God bless

[April Masini]

I’m glad I could help — sometimes it does help to hear an objective third party like myself because my words may echo your friends’ and family’s advice, but because you’re in it, it’s hard to be objective, so I’m glad that I served that purpose for you.

Make sure you keep your own communication clear with your husband and tell him that you want the marriage to work, but you feel it’s his problem to correct, and you’re not sure what he expects from you in terms of a commitment given the situation. Keep talking and be aware of your own boundaries as they emerge from this process.

Good luck! 🙂

[Sassyclassy73]

Once again April MANY THANKS!!! Your words are extremely appreciated.

Truly,
Sassyclassy73

[April Masini]

You bet — and if you want more AskApril — check out my new [b]AskApril.com Facebook Group[/b] at [url]http://www.facebook.com/people/April-Masini/100001113133958[/url] where you can post and read and continue to connect with the AskApril community! 😀

[Sassyclassy73]

Hi April,

There has been a turn of events…my husband and I have decided to do a trial seperation…he found an apartment and we will be taking things a day at a time. There have been a lot of damage done, and trust has to be rebuilt. The reason for him leaving the house and being apart is to TRULY see if either of us wants to continue in this marriage without having the other constantly on their back…this was one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make in my life, but IT IS the last resort. To be honest only God and a miracle will turn this situation around. We have agreed that none of us will be seeing anyone else…but just focus on us as individuals and as a couple. I know people feel this is not the best thing to do (trial seperation), but we have tried therapy in the past with no avail…and like you said in the previous post…he has trust issues and other demons he must battle. What is your view on this.

Thank you,
Sassyclassy73

[April Masini]

I think you’ve made a conscious decision and I don’t think it’s a bad one. Luckily, you don’t have children, so whatever happens will only affect the two of you. The flashing yellow light I see is that you’ve both agreed not to date other people while separating for an unspecified amount of time. Often in this forum, what I see is that couples agree to separate and not date, but then one person feels effects of the separation more profoundly than the other, and dating seems like a logical step that they take as a separated person without feeling the need to consult or agree to with their former partner, with whom they’ve separated, in spite of a prior agreement. In other words, usually, one person starts to date without “permission” or agreement.

Separation gives both people freedom to start a new phase of life. It’s really hard to ask two people who can’t get along well enough to stay married to then stick to an agreement. This doesn’t mean it won’t work for you, but I’m just letting you know that I’ve seen many times over that one person feels betrayed that during a trial separation with rules, like your no dating rule, someone begins to date.

When that happens, it’s hurtful to the person who didn’t break the agreement, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing because it points out the inability for the couple to make things work together.

So, yes, I think the separation is appropriate for you, and I hope that it gives you and your husband the ability to see clearly what the correct next step is for you both.

This is also a great time for you to become a free member of my AskApril.com Facebook group at the following link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url]. Bring your issues here, as well for more advice and feedback, as the group develops.

[Sassyclassy73]

Hi April,

Your advice as before is great and I truly appreciate it!!! I do fear he may try “dating” while we are apart…and wont tell me 😥 …I will give myself a limit of how long I could wait 😕 …for now I am taking things a day at a time and not drive myself nuts thinking about what, whom, or with he may be doing, this is all very difficult 🙁 . I know for sure like you said in a previous post that I will “keep my side of the street clean”…I had the CRAZY idea of putting a spy on him for a month to see if he is keeping his end of the deal…but this is a random thought, and costly. But I do agree with you that this “trial” seperation is needed…and it will either make our relationship or break it.

THANK YOU once again… I will followup with you in due time if any further changes occur.

Bless you
Sassyclassy73

[April Masini]

Glad I could help — but sorry to see you were entertaining the idea of putting [i]a spy[/i] on your husband during your separation. 😯 Bad idea!! 😳 If you have to spy on someone — seriously now — you shouldn’t be married to them or considering marriage. A spy?!? Yeesh. 🙄 Forget the cost — I mean, that you would consider the cost as the deterrent is goofy enough — think about it. You want a SPY to tell you if your husband is true to his word or not?

Understand that a separation within marriage usually leads to divorce. In fact in many states a required amount of time apart, called a legal separation because it’s beginning time is submitted by a file with a local court of law, is mandatory before a court will grant a divorce.

So, since you’ve already decided to separate and have implemented this course, use this separation[i] to be separate[/i]. Your post is entitled, “Can’t stop thinking about it.” Well, i[i]t’s time[/i] TO STOP thinking about it. You need to keep your side of the street clean in terms of your behavior and your morality. Do the right thing and nourish your own life. Stay busy and keep your eye on the ball. Feel what it’s like to be single — not married and receiving reports from your personal private eye on your husband’s whereabouts! 😆

After two months of separation, decide what you want with your husband. It’s silly to drag out a marriage without children if you’re not living together.

I hope that helps — and I hope you’ll become a member of my AskApril.com group on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755[/url]. 😀

[Sassyclassy73]

Hi April,

Thanks for the advice…I WILL NOT GET A SPY…just a CRAZY thought 🙂 . I will take it day by day…and withing a couple of months make a decision…and keep my side of the street clean (beleive me is not a problem to do so because I am still very much in love with my husband 😐 ). I will keep you posted.

Truly,
Sassyclassy73

[April Masini]

Good luck! 😀

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