caught him texting …

[relationshipa1]

I have been dating a guy for nearly 4 years (we are in our mid-30s), and until a few months ago I would have described our relationship as simply bliss. The only snag was we live about 1 1/2 hrs away from each other, combined with his unpredictable schedule as a police officer, we spent time together on his days off. He has been trying to transfer to a department closer to me but it is a slow process. I had no problem being patient though. He’s very affectionate, spends all his free time with me, calls often and is always trying to do things to make my life easier. I honestly had noticed no problems or differences in our relationship. A few months ago I saw his phone lying around and got curious if he still kept a certain picture of me on it. I never touched his phone before but for some reason I looked. I saw some texts between him and a girl that was a college intern a few years ago with his department. They were flirtatious in nature. She mentioned that he should come by and see her new apartment sometime. That line made me think that there was some flirtation going on but probably nothing more if he had never been to her house. I confronted him, I really had to draw out the details but he admitted she came by the station from time to time, brought him and his colleagues coffee, called and texted. He said it was something that he didn’t really understand how it started but it got out of control and he couldn’t seem to stop it. He said he realized it was wrong and would avoid her and not talk to her anymore. Over the next few months I checked his phone constantly when he wasn’t looking and never saw anything. I asked him occasionally if he ever saw her, if she ever tried to contact him and he said no. But then one day after returning from a business trip I saw a text from her – similarly flirtatious in nature, indicating to me that nothing had changed. I again confronted him. After trying to spin it as her contacting him only, he finally admitted that he was still talking to her. I REALLY had to push for details and still don’t have what I believe is the full picture, but I got him to tell me that he never actually told this girl that his relationship with me was bad or that he was unhappy, but he had tried to hint at it in his responses and tried to encourage her attention. He sent her a message in front of me telling her that he loved me and didn’t want to have any contact with her anymore. I told him in order for me have a chance of getting over this I needed him to really examine his actions and be able to explain to me why it happened, why he kept it up after I caught him the first time, and how was he going to prove to me that I could believe it would never happen again.

In some conversations subsequently, he has said that he was really very happy with me, had no complaints, thought our relationship was progressing well so he won’t accept that he is disatisfied with our relationship when I suggest that is the reason. He also doesn’t agree that he could have an inferiority complex, think that I am maybe too good for him. I am attractive, profesionally successful, smart, well-traveled, etc. She could be described as a townie. He is saying and doing all the right things – talking about our future, talking about moving here, giving compliments, calling frequently – but he as yet cannot come up with the explanation I am looking for. I know part of the problem is that he is ashamed of himself so he doesn’t want to honestly confront what he did. I suggested that maybe he needed another perspective and he said talking to his sister might help. It has been a few weeks and he hasn’t had this discussion with her.

I don’t know how to get him to explain himself and give me confidence in our relationship. And so I don’t know what to do with our relationship….please help!

[katdawg]

thinking from his perspective you are being a little bit needy and that is a big turn off. you need him to do something he’s not willing to do, give you and explanation. he’s a man and he’s going to have conversations with women and their egos love the attention they get from women. you seem to be pressing the issue with him. you either trust him or you don’t. if a man makes you feel insecure and after he tells you he’s not seeing her or their relationship is not romantic you still can not trust him then why be with him? or rather why not be more loving, confident, sure of yourself, understanding, and be that woman he wants to spend time with? i wouldn’t want to be with you if all you’re going to do is nag and require me to explain myself to you. that’s not a fun relationship to be in. he might as well be sleeping with her if all you’re going to is accuse of the crime and mark him guilty anyways. it seems no matter what he tells you you are looking for an excuse to pick a fight with him.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your comment. I certainly don’t have a problem with him having conversations with women, what I have a problem with is him hiding a several month-long flirtation with another woman, lying about it and not ending it when he said he would. I think that it indicates something is wrong between us and needs some examination. He agrees but is coming up blank. He says he loves me and wants to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. He thinks I’m wonderful and easy to be with and says he can’t understand why he would do this because it doesn’t make sense. We’ve never had any issue in our relationship until now, I don’t pick fights with him or nag him, there has never been cause to. However this recent development is so surprising and disturbing to me because it is so out of character I can’t just ignore it and get over it. If there’s no explanation for it – even a bad explanation – then I think I will always wonder if there’s some problem lurking that will resurface again.

[katdawg]

hmmmm…i agree. if it’s out of character for him i would be wondering too. you can however take his attention back so that he won’t want to flirt with someone else. ?? when was the last time you put on some kinky lingerie, set the dinner table romantically with candles and his favorite meal, sent him teasing texts, etc? have YOU stopped dating him? you may be together but it doesn’t stop just because you are a couple. if the let the pilot extinguish the man’s short attention span will look for someone to re-light it. i think it’s in April’s book.

[April Masini]

While for [i]you[/i], your relationship has been[i] “simply bliss”[/i] for over four years, your boyfriend has been having some kind of relationship with a former college intern that he admits got out of control, and he didn’t stop it from doing so. He’s kept that relationship from you until you found out by stumbling on his text messages, and now, I can see you’re struggling for an explanation of why the relationship you thought was so wonderful, doesn’t appear to be equally so, or enough, for him.

Clearly, pressing him further for an explanation isn’t going to yield one, and his suggesting he talk to his sister as a way to pacify you didn’t lead to anything worthwhile. The reality is that he gets something from his relationship with this other woman that he isn’t getting from you — and that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. 🙁 In fact, from what you’ve described, you’ve been doing everything fine, so stop looking for problems between the two of you and trying to figure out what you did wrong that he could find fault with. You didn’t do anything wrong — and this change in his behavior isn’t so much about you — it’s about him.

The trick in relationships is to find mutual compatibility, and while you’ve been really happy with your boyfriend for so long now, and want to get married, he isn’t acting like he wants the same thing. He may talk the talk, but it’s not appearing as if he’s walking the walk. It’s unusual for two people of your ages, with good careers, in their mid-thirties, who have been dating for four years now, not to be engaged. The hour and a half distance from your two homes doesn’t seem like enough of a reason to hold up an engagement. However, his not being ready to marry you, does.

Finding out that your boyfriend is interested in this other woman, and realizing that you don’t have the whole story on what’s going on because he’s not being entirely forthcoming, has got to be unsettling for you, since you thought that the two of you were heading for a walk down the aisle.

Your difficult job is now to see the whole picture for what it is. You’re looking for confidence in your relationship because he’s taken that away from you by having a secret relationship with someone else, and while couples do overcome indiscretions, the key to moving on is brutal honesty. Your boyfriend isn’t being honest with you about the whole situation.

I don’t think that right now you have a relationship worth investing any more time in. It’s probably very hard for you to consider breaking up with him because there’s no drama and there’s no clear picture of how long he’s been with this other woman, or the extent of their relationship. That said, from what you’ve described of yourself, you’re a straight shooter who’s looking for a man who’s equally up front and direct. Although you’ve invested four years in this guy, it’s taken you that long to realize that your boyfriend is comfortable having more than one woman at a time — and wants to keep it that way. I don’t think this is good enough for you, and that’s why I think it’s time for you to honor your own values, and move on.

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