Change in wife’s sex drive

[firstandlast_name]

When me and my wife first met, we would make out all the time, were always very affectionate, and would have sex on average 3-5 times a day. Of course, I did not expect that rate to stay the same, but did enjoy it at the time. We had a kid and got married. While she was pregnant (6 years ago), her sex drive dramatically decreased (as expected), but never bounced back. After our first kid, we would have sex on average once ever 1-3 months and she didn’t even like to kiss anymore either except for a peck here and there. after about 4 years we separated and she started dating someone else. This bothered me a lot, and even more so when I found out that she was very sexually adventurous with him and did stuff she wouldn’t/wont do with me. We ended up getting back together and decided to have another kid. Since then, our sex life still has sort of improved to me receiving “pity” sex about once a month which I always have to initiate. She does get off about 8 times out of ten when this happens as she allows me to preform oral on her so biologically she is ok down there. I have told her that this is a big problem with our relationship and we need to try to work on it, but she claims that this is normal and a lot of couples rarely have sex. Is this normal and will bounce back or is this a permanent thing? I greatly miss the affection we once had and the lack of intimacy has greatly lowered my self esteem. Any advice would be greatly helpful and appreciated.

[April Masini]

This can be normal, but it doesn’t have to be permanent — and it shouldn’t be. What I mean by normal is that it’s norman for couples to have differing sex drives at different times in their lives and in the relationship. Lots of things dampen sex drives. Children for sure. Childbirth and nursing for sure. Stress — absolutely. But none of that matters when you want sex and your wife doesn’t. What you’re looking for are solutions for change. Take a look at the advice I just gave a woman in a situation similar to the one you have with your wife: [url]http://www.askapril.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=174817[/url]. A lot of that advice will work for your relationship.

In addition, remember to woo your wife romantically. Flowers, love letters, jewelry and all the seductive tools that let her know when you’re not in the bedroom, how much you do want her in the bedroom will work to your advantage.

Please let me know how it goes, and if I can help you further.

Follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1154528031[/url].

[firstandlast_name]

April,

Thank you for the advice. The problem with this is I buy her lingerie, jewelry, diamonds, but not so much on the flowers side. Everytime I get her jewelry, she complains bc then she feels compelled to give me sex when she doesnt want to. She wont wear the lingerie I have gotten her because she doesnt want it to lead to sex. And she wont kiss me because she doesnt want it to lead to sex. I have even been trying to get just a massage from her for the past 3 months and she wont do that either even when I massage her atleast once a week. I work 45-50 hrs a week and when I get home I cook dinner every night, clean up the dishes, play with the kiddos till its their bedtime, and on the weekends I clean the house. She works sat, sun, and mondays, goes to school (is currently on break) but is only taking one class a semester. She is responsible for laundry and making sure the bills get paid on time. So I do not think it is stress on her part. I am at a complete loss here. I dont think she is cheating on me, all though it is possible bc I dont ever check her phone, email, or anything. Her last OB appointment, I went with her and asked her doc about it, and he said that he wasnt going to do anything about it. Since this has been going on for over 5 years, I do not know how much more of this I can stand. I will deffinately buy your book, and see if it give me any insight as I know for a fact that she won’t read it. I really do love her, but I can’t handle the lack of affection any longer. I would bring up couples counceling but we cant afford it currently, and I really do not want a divorce because I couldnt handle not seeing my kids everyday.

Thank you for your help!

[April Masini]

Got it. It sounds like you’ve done so much right, and she’s just being very stubborn and selfish. 😳 Sex is important in a relationship and it’s not fair for her to change the terms of the marriage without considering the effects that change has on you.

You can try talking to her and telling her how disappointed you are, and that sex is important to you and you want it with her. You can tell her that you understand that she doesn’t want it and you do, but the compromise position isn’t zero sex. That’s all her way. She really has to understand that if she cares about you, there has to be a middle ground. Maybe it’s sex once a week — or even once every two weeks. But it has to be something, not nothing.

If she is just not willing to compromise, then sadly, you’ve got a wife who no longer cares about your feelings. At that point, your options are getting sex outside of the marriage or getting divorced and getting a custody schedule to assure that you will be an important part of your kids’ lives.

Oh, and by the way, if you do buy the book Romantic Date Ideas, [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url], she doesn’t have to read it. You can read it and implement the scenarios or riff off them and she can go along for the ride. The idea behind the book is to unleash sensual and sexual feelings by setting the scene and the book gives you many suggestions for different ways to do just that.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1154528031[/url]. 🙂

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