confused

[relationshipa1]

ok… im going kinda crazy.. about 3 weeks ago I had got back in touch with an old friend/acquaintance when he friended me on facebook… Hes 37.. im 30… we were never really “friends”, he was an older brother of one of my high school sweethearts best friend. I accepted him as a friend and he was somewhat aggressively contacting me… I was returning contact.. messages.. yada yada.. I have been out of a 10 yr relationship for over a year w/ a 2 yr old son… he is 4 months into a nasty separation/pending divorce after being together for 13 yrs…. him and his wife had not been communicating/intimate for almost 2 yrs.. they have 2 sons together.. and they are fighting over everything.. he caught her cheating with another couple.. i think she was miserable in their relationship… we had discussed our situations texting/fb already so we both knew each others situation.. ( i am still friends w/ my ex.. we are getting along great after a very rough year). Knowing his situation & the fact I already knew him, I was interested in seeing him.. he lives an hour away. He was so aggressive about wanting to see me, he quote “was going to sweep me off my feet”.. and always talking about what he wanted in a relationship and that he basically wanted to try it out w/ me… we have so much in common.. grew up in the same small town…know all of the same people. We felt comfortable w/ each other right away.. so I agreed for him to come and pick me up one night and go back to his house to hang out for the night.. we had a few drinks… talked for hours and ended up having sex… really great sex…🙂 he drove me an hour back home and was really excited for me to come and stay w/ him for a few days.. Now I normally wouldnt have but like I said, I felt sooo comfortable w/ him and know his background. So he texts me a bunch and is telling me he is so excited to see me again… wants me to set a date, so I do… When we get together again, we are still really into each other and cant keep our hands off one another.. it was so enjoyable and I hadnt felt this way about a guy in soooo long. we also talk constantly.. he tells me all the things his wife has done ( which are some pretty mean things) and that they hadnt had sex in almost 2 yrs and that she wasnt a sexual person and she was very to herself about her body.. I am very free in bed so Im thinking he is probably really liking the sex.. we had nothing but fun the 2 days I was there.. i mean he talked a lot about his ex (negatively.. nothing but negative) but I dont get irritated because I had just been thru a very similar ordeal.. and its still fresh for him.. 4 months..they are fighting for custody, she had a restraining order put on him which he says was ridiculous and he had one put on her too thru advice of his lawyer, they hadnt even seen each other in 4 months.. but he’s nothing but sweet and treating me very well… and i am very sympathetic to his situation but also feel guilty at the same time because he’s still married… and I told him of this and he insisted it had been over for years but they just kept living together. Still I tell him that I dont want to interfere in their marriage and that I felt like I was doing the wrong thing.. which I did.. but he insists that he wants to be w/ me. Our days together were cut a little short because the mother is sending the kids over to his house w/out notice.. SO… he drives me home and we are holding hands.. talking.. our sons are playing in the back seat.. both happy Im thinking. Now, after he drops me off… he is already asking me when is the next time we can get together.. he has to check his work schedule but he definitely wants me to come up again.. so meanwhile we are talking on the phone… texting all day… flirting and what not.. and so we make the plans that I was gonna come up the next Wed till whenever. Well the weekend is over and he’s all the week before and the weekend been fighting w/ the wife because she keeps changing days that he has the boys.. and he’s got a job (he does floors, repair..etc.) that he needs to get done pronto before the people get home from vacation. So she ends up giving him the boys on Wed. So he calls me Tuesday and asks me to come up that night.. but I cant. So we end up planning on Thursday and Friday… meanwhile hes sending me texts.. nice and some flirty.. cant wait to see me… THEN… Wed night he texts me and says he cant on Thursday due to the wife sending him the kids every other day.. ( which I am totally happy he is such a good father) altho i am getting a little annoyed because its been last moment notice & I end up being kinda sad on the days we dont get to meet.. he asks me if Im mad.. I say no… and he gets kinda bothered and says “please dont give up on me so easy”… but he is working so I dont respond to his text.. and the night before he had sent me a text telling me he had a crazy night.. people calling his house at 3am… his wife’s boyfriend is driving by his friends house wheres hes working and yelling bad things at him…. so after he cant meet on Thursday or Friday, because he says hes got so much to work to do on the house still ( i know he’s honestly working there because I was w/ him when he went to measure and they wrote out a check to him) He sends a text saying “I WANT TO SEE YOU” saying something that it’d probably have to be next week.. im fine w/ that… then BAM…. dont hear from him.. no text no nothing.. and we had been in communicatiob everyday before.. so I text him.. did i do something to upset him… i was sorry we werent talking.. nothing crazy.. I was genuinely sad I hadnt heard from him..and thought that week was kind of weird… the last minute change of plans and all that. and I havent felt this strongly for a man in a very long time… let alone so fast.. So i get a text back saying… “we didnt stop talking… i though maybe u were kinda pissed because of what happened this week, but im working right now so Ill call you tomorrow!” ….. Theres where the story ends… He never called.. I waited till late the next day and texted him..” i dont know if I did something or if something happened.. I know you are going thru a lot right now.. im just a little confused” expecting at least a text back…. now thats been 5 days ago and I havent heard from him… I AM SO CONFUSED! He was so into me and wanting to see me and always telling me he wants to see me… he wants to see me… nothing but sweet, nice, words to me.. and I him… we had talked so much about what we wanted in life and we were so much alike and wanted the same things. Now I am not completely stupid… I know he’s still married but seemed so genuine in his intense dislike of her.. that he would never go back w/ her no matter what the circumstances.. I felt and it seemed to be true. And I CANNOT believe I fell for him so fast.. we’d dated for 3 weeks and Im so sad I feel like we had dated for years… ive cried everyday since he stopped talking to me. So what the hell happened???? How does he go from constant communication w/ me to nothing. And most of the communicating was initiated by him.. he would text me early morning.. “hello beautiful”.. then throughout the day.. I was usually responding to him. What really hurts is that all I want to know is what happened.. I know we werent “serious” but we shared so much and he was so respectful and kind to me… then to go to ignoring me. I am hurt he couldnt at least tell me the truth, that he just disappeared. I told him several times I would understand anything that happened.. and that if anything happened, id love to just still be friends… and I meant that. SO HELP ME!!! Whats going on here?????????

[April Masini]

I’m sorry you’re confused. This is actually pretty simple. If you understand the differences between men and women, you’ll know that he’s not being confusing. He’s being straightforward. You just didn’t know how to “read” him and his behavior. 🙁

First of all, if a man is married, he’s married. His allegiance is to someone else. I’m not sure what state you’re in, but it’s not that hard to get divorced. In fact, fighting the way he is with his wife, keeps the marriage alive. When someone wants out, they let go, give in and make the divorce a priority. When you date a married man, which is what you did, you’re not going to be number one. You’re going to be second in line to his wife, the kids, and his other priorities. I think you confused yourself by thinking you were more important than you were. If you understand this principle, you’ll know that his behavior and his circumstances in life speak volumes more than any words he can utter.

Second of all, men have sex because they can. He did what he had to do (and said what he had to say) to have sex with you. When your first date is drinks and going back to his house, you can be sure the guy isn’t interested in a long term relationship. He wants sex and he figures out how to get it. If you want to be someone who is more than just that, you have to act like someone who is more than just that. I’m not trying to judge you — just offer dating strategy!

Third, if a guy spends too much time talking about his ex — or in your case, his wife — you’d better buckle up because she’s going to be a third party in the relationship — whether in body or in spirit. His relationship with his wife was far from over in spite of his venom, his pending legal proceedings and his “separation”.

Fourth, if a man (or a woman) who is divorcing or divorced wants a real relationship, subsequent to the one he had with his ex, he’ll get his life in order. That starts with a court ordered custody schedule so that surprise visits or drop offs of the kids don’t make life chaos for everyone. Regardless of who’s idea the divorce was, or who left whom, when the ex finds out he’s dating, she may want to sabotage that relationship — even if she’s got her own boyfriend! Dropping the kids off when he’s got a date lined up with you can become her way of getting revenge. Kids become pawns in so many ways in divorce. That’s why I recommend not introducing the kids to anyone you’re dating until it’s serious!

My advice is that you read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], so you better understand behavior that you may find confusing. It’s going to save you loads of heartache.

I hope I wasn’t too rough on you — I don’t want you to have to go through this again, so I want to make sure these rules are spelled out clearly so you understand them.

I hope this helps, and that you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url]. 😀

[Anonymous]

ahhhhh…Thank You!! Honesty is what I need to hear.. You couldnt be more correct.. I think its hard to see the plain reality of the situation because I get so emotionally involved… and way too soon… a habit of mine. You’ve just released a huge weight off of my shoulders as now I can take a step back and see how naive I can be sometimes… no matter how smart or strong I think I am! I felt extremely guilty from the start knowing he was married, and I should have listened to my instinct then. I cannot thank you enough for the “slap in the face”! You just made my day 😀

[April Masini]

I’m very glad I could help. You’re still relatively new-again to the dating arena, so I hope you’ll be in touch with any other questions you have in order to find your real Mr. Right! 😀

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