[confused55]

Hello,
I am in my late 30s. I have been dating this guy for over a year. We work different shifts and our time we spend together is limited because I work days & he works nights. When we are both off work, we spend most of our time together. This has been going on since May or June of 2008. He has introduced me to his friends. He used to frequent a dating website until I busted him, he cancelled that account. We have taken private trips together, it was his suggestion. We spend special holidays like Valentine’s Day together and exchange gifts like for Christmas…all his suggestions. Although we work different shifts, we talk everyday, sometimes twice or more a day. I meet him for lunch or vice versa at our jobs. The problem is: he says he is not ready to call us a ‘couple’. He said he has some things he is working on himself, so he’s not ready. He has been divorced for about a 3-4 years from his 2nd kid’s mom. He said he doesn’t want to commit to something too early. (Keep in mind that it’s been over a year that we’ve been dating.) He was transferred here from another state with his job shortly before I met him because they cut jobs in his previous state. He is staying with his mom here. He has 3 kids, 2 of them live in the previous state. He goes to visit them often. Sometimes, I feel that he might be going over other girls houses when he gets off work at midnight. And sometimes, I feel that he might still be messing around with his youngest kid’s (3 years old) mother when he goes back to visit the kids because I came across some information where the mom said that she misses him and he said he misses her too. I don’t have kids & would love to get married and have kids some day. I am in my late 30s, which is getting closer to the risky age for having kids. Within the first 2-3 months of us dating, I asked him if he would consider getting married again and having another child, he said ‘yes to the right person’ I asked him a week ago about how he felt about us still not being a couple and if he still feels the same way, he said, “gradually”, meaning he is gradually getting there and wanting to be committed but not yet. I told him that since he is not ready to commit that we should date other people openly…he didn’t like that idea. (Although it would be hard for me to start dating other guys since I have such strong feelings for him, at least getting started) Am I wasting my time with this person or am I being impatient? Should I find someone who is serious about relationships? Is this guy possibly just a cheater wasting my time? I’m so confused because he is doing a lot of the things that a boyfriend would do, but he is also ‘NOT’ doing some of the things a boyfriend would do. I’m sorry if this letter is jumping all over the place. Please provide some advice and options.

[April Masini]

Your boyfriend is very good at getting married and having kids. He’s not so good at staying married or staying with the women he’s had the kids with. In fact, if he’s in a different state than his three kids by different women, then he’s not so great at being a dad, either. I think that you need to realize your boyfriend really likes having a woman’s company and he’s good at getting a woman’s company. But I think you need to trust your instincts more and take care of yourself. After all, that’s what he’s doing — taking care of [i]him[/i]self.

If after a year of dating he’s not ready to call the two of you a couple, I’d take that as a big warning light that he’s not someone who’s going to commit and stay. It sounds like you’re giving him a lot of free passes and not honoring yourself. If you’re in your late 30s and you want to get married and have kids, you need to take dating very seriously. Don’t waste any more time with this guy. You hit the nail on the head when you said he’s doing some of the things a boyfriend does, but not others. Let me clarify for you: He’s doing enough boyfriend things to keep you in the game, but not enough to commit to you. In English that means you’re being played.

He may have feelings for you, but he’s not behaving the way he should with a woman who deserves the very best. Be that woman.

Get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link above, pronto. At your age, you will really benefit from this book. It’s going to spoon feed you the rules to making yourself the prize that a man who is right for you wants to win. But until you consider yourself the prize, and keep making concessions and excuses for a guy you suspect of cheating with you (and have even caught on a dating website while he was supposedly your boyfriend), you’re never going to find Mr. Right. Just Mr. Right Now.

[Author]

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