[relationshipa1]

Dear Ms. Masini,
I’m in desperate need of your help and I’m hoping you can give me some advice. Let me start from the beginning…

I’ve known Chris since we were 10 years old. He was my brother’s best friend growing up, his sister was my sister’s best friends and even our parents were close friends. His father died when he was 15 and his mother remarried. So, we ended up losing touch when I was 17 years old. I’ve always been told that he had a crush on me growing up, but I never really believed it.

Anyway, I’m 33 years old now. I married someone else and have 2 children and am now divorced. Chris joined the Army and is still in it, probably won’t retire for another 10 years. About 3 years ago, we reconnected on Myspace/Facebook. This was right after my divorce. It was like old times again. We eventually started an internet relationship, since he was stationed in Afghanistan for a while and then sent to Atlanta, Georgia. Now, he’s stationed in California. I live in Pennsylvania. We had an on again, off again relationship. He would say things that would encourage my interest in him and then he would pull away. He was suffering from severe depression up until a year or so ago and he does have some issues with letting people get in close to his heart. But with the constant back and forth with him, after a while I said enough and stopped talking to him for about 4 months, since I couldn’t take what I perceived as were mind games. Then, for his birthday last year, I sent him a Happy birthday text and we ended up reconnecting again. I still had not seen him face to face yet, but we talked and message each other all the time. Then, the one time he came to town for 2 weeks to see family and friends, he didn’t come to see me at all. When I asked him what happened, he said he ran out of time. I said no, he didn’t. He just didn’t want to see me. And I said from now on, we can only be friends. I can’t keep going back and forth like this.

2 months ago, I met another man. It’s not a committed relationship yet, but it looks like it might be leading in that direction. I told Chris about it, since we are great friends now and are probably closer now than we’ve ever been. He’s shared with me things I know he hasn’t shared with anyone else. Anyway, about 2 weeks later, he posts on his Facebook account that he is in a relationship with someone he’s known from high school, who lives in PA. I was fine with that.

He flew into PA last week again for the holidays. We’ve been chatting just about everyday, so on Monday, the 28th to be precise, when he called me it was considered the norm. He asked if he could come over to hang out. This would be the first time I’ve seen him we were 17 years old. I said sure. He comes over and we watch the football game together. I give him a tour of the house as well. About 30 minutes into the visit, he leans into and kisses me. I push him away and said, what about your girlfriend? He said, it’s nothing serious and he wants to see what is going on between the both of us first. I guess afters years of frustration, sexual and otherwise, it all came to the surface. We ended up having sex for 5 hours, with a couple of breaks inbetween. It was truly wonderful. This was something I’ve NEVER done before. What amazed me the most was that he wouldn’t let me go. He kept holding me and caressing me, without being asked. Anyway, after he left (he had borrowed his mother’s car and had to return for her to go to work), he knew I was going to my mom’s house the next morning to pick up my children, who were spending the a few days there for xmas. When I arrived, he was already at my mom’s, meeting my children, playing video games. Keep in mind, he has been in contact with them for years too, when I thought we were in some kind of relationship together. But he’s never met them in person. After a few hours, he kisses me goodbye (not in front of the kids – I wouldn’t allow that yet) and I go home with my children. We still text each other, very non-chalantly though.

Now, here’s where it really get’s crazy (I’m sorry this is so long. I just really want you to see the whole picture). John, the man I’m seeing, has come to town for the New Years to spend it with me. My children are going to their father’s for their visitation. Chris, knows this and is encouraging me to see him. I know I won’t be able to see Chris again before he leaves on Saturday and frankly, I’m trying to put on a brave face and act like what happen was no big deal. But it’s hard. All those feeling from before are back and I’m left feeling so confused. I don’t want to feel like I’m a conquest to Chris after all this time, and I can’t help but feel this way, since I don’t know how to interpret his actions. I don’t know what to do. I like John, but not nearly as much as I care for Chris. Plus, Chris is seeing someone who he claims he hasn’t had sex with yet and isn’t a serious relationship. Is it all a jealousy act on his part? Am I a conquest to him? Is there a possibility for a relationship with him and if so, how do I go about accomplishing this? AHHHH!!!

I’m in desperate need of your guidance! Please help me…

[April Masini]

You’re over thinking what happened, so let me simplify it for you.

You’re dating a guy named John for two months now, but you just had a holiday visit with an old family friend with whom you’ve had an off and on internet relationship for several years, who lives in California. You and Chris hooked up during the visit, and now he’s going back to his life, across the country from where you live with your children, to California. He’d like to see you one last time before he returns across the country, but you already have previous plans with John.

Your relationship with John is only two months old, so he may be dating other people, too. Chris is dating someone else who he says isn’t a serious girlfriend. And you’re in the same boat, so to speak.

At this early stage in your relationship with John, it’s fair for you to be dating other guys to see who’s right for you. So if you really think there’s something there between you and Chris, then I think you should see him tomorrow. You don’t have to have another sex marathon. You could go out and have a real date — or you could have more of a hook up date. You don’t have to tell John what you’re doing because you want to make sure that he’s Mr. Right, and if it means spending more time with Chris to see if he’s someone you want to pursue a long term relationship with, then that’s fair game. Think about if the tables were turned, and you and John were getting into a serious relationship, but there was someone from his past he thought could be Ms. Right. Wouldn’t you want him to make sure that she was or wasn’t the woman he belonged with before you continued dating him?

If, on the other hand, you think that Chris is just geographically impossible for you to be compatible with, and his emotional issues are too great an obstacle for a real relationship, then it doesn’t make sense to see him when John has come to town specifically to see you.

So measure your feelings for Chris, and if you think he could be Mr. Right, then without drama, cancel your date tomorrow with John, and explore a possible future together between yourself and Chris.

I hope that helps! Good luck and let me know how things go.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for responding. I really appreciate it!! I would love to see Chris one more time, but he leaves extremely early tomorrow morning for his flight. I sent him a text saying that I hope he has a safe trip and that I appreciate and cherish the brief time we spent together. I didn’t call him, though, in case he was sleeping. But I think I’m also a little afraid to call him to. I don’t want him to feel like I’m pushing him.

I’m definitely willing to take this further with Chris. I’m just nervous and scared that he doesn’t. He’s pushed me away a few times in the past, claiming I was pushing him too hard. I don’t want to make the same mistake again, if in fact there is something here. He’s already said he loves me on numerous occasion, but I think that is more out of friendship….right? I mean, we’ve known each other for such a long time.

At least for the next few months, we’ll be communicating over the internet and on the phone (when he has service, and not in the field). I even joked with him before that I was willing to go to Vegas or CA in the next few months, and that we should meet up. The base he’s stationed at is only 2 hours away from Vegas and is a few hours away from San Diego, I think. I’m more than willing to take a long weekend to see him, but I played it off as if it were more a vacation for me and maybe we could meet up if he had time.

I don’t know what my next step should be. I don’t want to push him away again and I don’t want to jump to the wrong conclusion either. What do you think I should do? You’re advice is GREATLY appreciated!

[April Masini]

Well, since he left today, there is nothing else for you to do. The ball is in his court. You’re right not to want to push him. What you need to be mindful of, however, is being realistic. Don’t chase or wait for a man who isn’t available to you because he isn’t ready to commit. Sometimes men with whom you have a long history, like this childhood family friend, fly under the radar that you would normally use to weed out men who are incompatible. Since you’re already dating a guy who is ready, willing and able to date you — and is doing a good job of it — focus on him, and see if he’s someone you want to pursue a relationship with.

Don’t offer to fly out and meet Chris. If he wants to see you, he can (and should) come to you. Let him be the one to do the chasing in the relationship — and if he doesn’t chase you, then you have your answer as to whether there is a potential love connection there at all.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[Anonymous]

Guess what? He broke up with his girlfriend today. I have no idea why they broke up, but I’m going to take it as a sign. We haven’t spoken and he hasn’t returned my text. I’m going to give him space for now, but I’m sending him a text that I’m here for him if he wants to talk.

Thanks so much! I’ll keep you posted on what happens next!

[April Masini]

I’m glad to have been of help — and I wish you good luck in seeing what happens. My only caution, after our exchanges, is to let him do the pursuing so you get a clear picture of what he’s really after and how intently he’s after it. 🙂

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