[izza]

For several year now, I have been in a relationship with a person from my work (though not living together), who is the best possible thing that has ever happened to me, gorgeous, intelligent, kind, commited, everything I would personally dream of in a man. The relationship is without problems, we have never had arguments, in fact I would say it’s what one would call perfect, which is precisely why I am such at a loss with the mess you will read below.

A couple of years ago, in the context of work, I started collaborating with another fellow-worker, a few years older than me, to my knowledge single, living in another country and remote-working for the same company as myself. We started developing a very close online relationship, with many hours of chat and videos per day. From his side he never expressed in words any clear statement of feelings, still he was always there, initiating the contact and this continued on a daily basis even when our collaboration had ended. He also never asked anything about my personal life, though I suppose he must know about my boyfriend (btw, he frequently remotely collaborates with him too), it is not a hidden relationship in our company. On my side, this was generating very awkward emotions, where my very strong feelings towards him were challenged by my rational, saying that this is a person I dont know and it is insane to give up my happy relationship for something so vague. Still, vague or not, he is on my mind non-stop for two years now. We met once in real life, but it was a tough case, with other people and in the context of the work so not much could be said or done.

Anyway, in the summer I went on holidays with my boyfriend; I had done so before in the course of our communication with this other guy, and it never seemed to affect our contact. This time though, things are different, he is very distant, practically never speaking or speaking very rarely to me, though he instantly replies when I send a message – still, nothing like what it was in the past. At some moment a few weeks ago, I said that I would very much like to meet him again to which I received an answer of ‘perhaps, sometime’. Since then I also dont speak, because I fear that, well, he is not interested anymore and someone else is in his life.

Bottom line of all is that this has turned me insane, making scenarios of what is happening, what he is doing etc. which then turn me simply totally unhappy and miserable. The past three months have been a total torment, and I simply dont know why, this was not even a real-life thing…as for my relationship, it goes through my mind to end it…and then logic emerges again, saying that my boyfriend is a wonderful person and I should stop all that nonsense. Why cant I just do this, focus on my relationship and be happy? How can I be so obsessed with something that didnt even ever get materialised? On the other hand, I dont want to talk to the other person again, I think that asking to meet and getting this reply, together with the rest of the attitude, is rejection enough.

Right now, very honestly, I dont care about restarting the communication or anything, I only want to feel better myself, because this is has set me into a terrible emotional state.

Thank you very much for listening, I would appreciate any advice you may have,
izza

[Ask April Masini]

While your boyfriend of several years may be wonderful, it sounds like you’re either looking for more or else you’ve got a chronic drama issue where you’re not comfortable with things being just fine, and so when they are, you stir up drama to disrupt the peace.

You haven’t given me enough information to go on about yourself — you’ve mostly told me that your boyfriend is great and that you have a fantasy life with a guy who isn’t interested in you. This problem is going to be solved from within yourself because it’s not about what anyone else is doing.

So, dig deep and figure out why you want something else in your life, and whether that something else is a new boyfriend who’s more compatible than your current boyfriend is or if you want to stir up drama to satisfy some historic, dysfunctional pattern you’ve inherited from your family.

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