Confusion with Ex Girlfriend Need Advice

[joseph.m]

Hi,

I need some advice please?

First let me say that i know with every part of me that this is the girl of my dreams and i love her.

My gf and i recently broke up a month ago, it was quite an ongoing saga to say the least. First started when we came home from the bar one night and i had a little too much and said a little too much about us, i said that i was sick of this and sick of that and was over it. I realize now that i have a problem expressing myself, brush things off like theres nothing wrong and bottle them up. A few days later we had another argument, she said i think we need to take a break, i said let’s just breakup and the scary thing was she just sat there and nodded (she is a very strong person with alot of backbone and i wasn’t expecting this).
We agreed to keep living together and sharing the same bed, and said we would give each other the respect of letting the other know if we were coming home late or staying at a friends( which we both did often during the whole thing). We thought it was stupid to not grocery shopping together since we were still planning on seeing out our lease, so we decided at the shops that we would have dinner and talk. Got home, she was on the phone to the internent guy and my buddy told me he was coming to get me and before i knew it i was out the door and at the bar with him. I blew her off even though she txt me if i was hungry and coming back soon? I did not reply and came home later that night, she put effort into the meal and i immediatey felt sick with guilt.
I thought that by blowing her off i would speed up the process of breaking up even though i love her with all my heart, and was terrified of letting go (stupid logic, i know).

I found out later this was the last straw for her and that things were done, i made a last ditch attempt to reconcile poured my heart out into a letter and sent her roses but she still felt the same and i thought it was done.We still continued to live together one day we were civil and would occasionally cuddle or even sleep together, tell each other that we miss one another and the next be at each others throats and me on the couch. This went on for a week or two, then had another go at talking about being civil. We went out for dinner and both agreed that we need a break, could still see a future together and the next evening i would move in with a male friend. We had the best conversation and evening in months and then yes you guessed it slept together.

The next day i thought that we could ride out living together then move onto to separate accom. I didn’t move in with buddy and the whole cycle started again and we were arguing again, so i finally did move out but we had dinner together and left on good terms. That night at 2am i get a txt “i need you”, i respond “is everything ok?”. I was worried for her but thought if she really was in trouble she would’ve called.
She had a trip booked home to see her family and friends where she grew up and began txting me at night asking how i was, what i was up to and that the town we are living in felt more like home everyday. We would flirt via txt, tease each other and once she said “i’m just an ex gf that cares dearly for you!” WHich got me so excited to see her when she got back.
The night she got back she txt me and for some reason my phone didn’t register it until the next day, and i was so angry that i missed that chance and i saw her we talked briefly then i went to a party and asked her what she was doing after work and if she wanted to catch up? She told me that she was going out with friends and could i take a rain check.
I was devastated, walked back home drunk and went to bed until i get a call at 5am from her more drunk than i’ve ever seen her and she’s at the apartment door. Instead of letting her in a walked her home and told her we would talk tomorro when she was sober. She then hugs me and tells me how amazing i am, goes to bed then txts me that she sorry and thankyou xoxo and all that.
I woke up in the morning said we need to talk sooner the better, tell her i want her as my gf and if she feels different then i have to move on because the hurt was getting unbearable, i couldn’t stand the constant mind games.
After i sent her a msg and said i couldn’t do this anymore, i wanted no contact until we got over each other and if she could delete my number if she couldn’t refrain. She replied that it was the best relationship shes ever had, was scared she would never find that feeling again but didn’t know if we could get back what we had and finished saying she doesn’t want to lose me. I agreed with her and said that if there’s ever hope for us being together or even being friends that we need NC and and to respect each others space. She responded that i make her happy and it’s too hard to just cut it off.

I didn’t reply and thought to myself that i didn’t want to lose her as a friend and that she was still the sweetest and most beautiful woman i’ve ever laid eyes.

It was 3 days later that i thought of txting her, and at the same time she walked right into my workplace??!!(coincidence?)
We talked for ten minutes went through, happy, sad, her almost crying, then agreed that it was too hard to just cut off all ties. I was finishing work in 30 minutes, then asked me if i wanted to come over after work. I did, we began to have sex then stopped midway because it felt weird. Then tried again and was great and cuddled after. We decided that maybe we could be friends and start hanging out in the future but to take things very slow and maybe throw in the occasionally booty call, but i think now sex is a bad idea and could cause more problems. That night we began txting each other initiated by myself strangely enough, and i woke up with a txt saying that “is it bad that i want to cuddle you and sleep beside you”.

So here i am, i am very grateful that you’ve taken the time to read this. I know it is long but felt that it would be easier to understand in more detail.

Cheers joseph.m

[88maroon]

If you are okay with just being a booty call then go right ahead.
We all have our needs. And her being your ex makes it easier because you are comfortable doing things with her.
I was in a situation like this. My ex and I decided we can be friends, fool around, but it never felt right.
It never felt right because i wanted more then the physical things, and she wasn’t ready.
Don’t get me wrong, you guys act like a couple but at the end of the day you’re both still single.
I honestly would say try again (big gesture/something special) and if it doesn’t work then move on.
What you have to learn is that certain people can always be in your heart, but not in your life.
As I said, try and if it doesn’t work cut you losses. It seems immature but ignoring will help and you have to be strong
You will find someone else, we often do especially when we’re not looking.

[joseph.m]

Cheers 88maroon,
It’s nice to be able to relate to someone else about this.
We hung out again last night and things were ok, alot of joking around and i made a subtle move on her with words but i just left and after we were flirting a bit via txt because i had forgotten something. She asked me “am i trying to flirt with her?” i responded “i will just come and get my wine”, then she said she thought she was funny. I got it then left quickly.
I just don’t know if another gesture/something special will work, i understand i’ve got nothing to lose but my pride lol. I still love the girl with every part of me but i feel defeated and theres only so much i can take. I would love nothing more than to get another crack. My head tells me one thing and my heart another.
April has said i’m confused and need to act on my decisions to get over it but again it’s that love thing.

Thanks again

[88maroon]

When your in a relationship, some times ones “pride” does not matter.
We do crazy things when we’re in love. So pride is out the window.
Here’s a question, When you were with her last night, how was it? Did you feel like some thing was still there?
In my past relationship, after trying to work on things and be “just friends” I just had the feeling that it was over.
There’s nothing we can do when people just fall out of love.
One of the biggest signs I noticed when my ex and I started to go down hill was….umm…
when we were texting one another and i felt the love was not there anymore. Through text I felt it..that’s crazy. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world. But at the end I tried with everything I had and she still needed to find herself.
So ask yourself is the love still there? How much work are you willing to put in? And are you ready to let your pride go out the window knowing that at the end she might not take you back.
“JUST DO IT” “YOLO” (you only live once)
If you don’t want to try one last time because you already did. Then good move on and find another girl.
If you want to try then go ahead, go big or go home. BUt at the end, just tell yourself
“I did everything I could, I fought, and put a lot of effort in the things I did to try to get her back. It’s her lost and it’s time for me to move on. I deserve better”
And that’s that.
As i said earlier “people can always stay in your heart, but not in your life”
I heard it from somewhere and it has stayed with me.

[88maroon]

When your in a relationship, some times ones “pride” does not matter.
We do crazy things when we’re in love. So pride is out the window.
Here’s a question, When you were with her last night, how was it? Did you feel like some thing was still there?
In my past relationship, after trying to work on things and be “just friends” I just had the feeling that it was over.
There’s nothing we can do when people just fall out of love.
One of the biggest signs I noticed when my ex and I started to go down hill was….umm…
when we were texting one another and i felt the love was not there anymore. Through text I felt it..that’s crazy. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world. But at the end I tried with everything I had and she still needed to find herself.
So ask yourself is the love still there? How much work are you willing to put in? And are you ready to let your pride go out the window knowing that at the end she might not take you back.
“JUST DO IT” “YOLO” (you only live once)
If you don’t want to try one last time because you already did. Then good move on and find another girl.
If you want to try then go ahead, go big or go home. You don’t want to look back and say “What if..”
BUt at the end, just tell yourself
“I did everything I could, I fought, and put a lot of effort in the things I did to try to get her back. It’s her lost and it’s time for me to move on. I deserve better”
And that’s that.
As i said earlier “people can always stay in your heart, but not in your life”
I heard it from somewhere and it has stayed with me.

[joseph.m]

Thanks for all the support guys, honestly really appreciate it.
The other night was hard to tell we both had a bit to do drink and smoked a bit of g*nga together then i said exactly what she said to me a week ago after we had slept together “that i want to cuddle you and sleep beside you” she said her friend was coming home soon (we were living in a studio apartment no bedroom, a place her and a female friend i know well were going to rent fell through and i agreed to let her live there because she moved from another town and had no-where to go).
So i left and then the txting happened, but yes feels like something is still there. We have been intimate together no less than a week ago and she sent me that txt “is it bad that i want to cuddle you and sleep beside you”, i find it’s so push pull with us. When i decided to put my foot down after the 5am call she got scared and freaked out a bit. She has said that she doesn’t want me to just slip away after this.
We were txting last night and agreed on a few things, she said that she wants to remain friends and i said i want that to but is it wise for us to remain friends and that i think some space is important and said it would be weird to see me with another girl, i said the same about her but both came to terms that it is healthy for both of us to try going on a few dates with other people as other people are interested, the conversation was civil and ended with a goodnight.
The space didn’t last long as she came into my work today for something that she could’ve txt me about. I’m trying not to read to much into it but every time i mention space she doesn’t give it to me.

On a more positive note i downloaded a copy of “the magic of making up” and today felt more like myself than in a long time, i have already done some of the positives he suggests and some of the negatives when we first broke up but the guy is legit.

Thanks again

[kai]

Hi, I notice that you have placed your question in the forum for Guest Writers and Advice Column Contributors.

This is not in the forum where April responds readers questions.

If you want to get a response from April, please repost your question in the Free Expert Q & A Relationship Advice Forum with April Masini.

[April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Author]

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